Saturday Morning Driving, The Disabled and My Own Revelations

Today sucked.

My route was crazy because there were literally 2 houses on the same street but one was at 7 and one was at 8. I went from downtown to Monkey Junction twice. I felt like all morning I was doing figure eights all over town while a stream of my gas and money was trailing behind. Once again my ex-friend Jane bailed because it was too cold. Waaaa! I hate when she's right. It was not only freezing it was the morning from frozen hell.

My first stop was at a church so I got there early but all that was there was toddler crap (and the sale wasn't even inside!!!). Next up was all the way downtown but when I got there it was nothing but racks of clothes. For some reason I didn't pull away and I'm honestly glad I didn't. It was all new clothes donated by a store that was going out of business and they donated their stuff to raise money for Leukemia. I got two really funky shirts that I can't wait to don! I left there feeling pretty good about my morning and then it went down hill.......

So, from there, I drove all the way in the opposite direction to a church (again not inside!!!!) but they had absolutely nothing. I did get a pillow but only for the stuffing that I want to make some more coffee sack pillows. The lady taking my money looked at me funny for buying such an ugly, stained pillow and I thought of disclosing my artistic side but sometimes it's more fun to stay in character as the homeless woman. I even told her to have a blessed day. That had me giggling.

Next up was crap followed by two more sales that escalated in crapiness. After that I finally had a reason to bust out some bills but only for a little cabinet I'll have to paint. Sort of wish I never bothered.

Then, I was excited to go back to last week's house where I got the great magazine table (but didn't get the bench that will forever haunt me) but this week, supposedly she was going to let us rummage the contents of her upstairs. Not quite. It was mostly last week's left overs. I did get a nice old crackly mirror but none the less, I left a tad bummed.

So, after that I went back to a neighborhood I had already been only to walk away with nada. Then I went to a sale that didn't exist followed by another who just didn't feel like getting up this morning and on to another who should have followed their lead because they had seriously nothing anyone would ever buy. What makes this sale stand out, however, was that there was a man in a wheelchair there and when I walked up the driveway he leaned forward and stared me down. I'm not talking a slightly impolite stare I'm talking a puma about to pounce on his deer. I kept walking up their driveway but he never took his eyes off me. Just when I got to their display of 'take-me-to-the-salvation-army-quickly!', the man lifted his one leg strait in the air and as a result, his wheelchair went flying down the very steep driveway. I gasped in horror but that was all I was able to do. When he got to the street, he put his foot down and skidded safely to a stop. When he turned around, however, his eyes were still fixated on me but he had an ever so slight grin on his face. I looked at the lady having this fine sale with a look of 'what the hell' and she just flicked her wrist and said, "oh he does that to get a rise out of people". A rise out of people!!!!!!! I damn near soiled myself! And although for the next few minutes I kept thinking what a crazy scene I had just witnessed, it wasn't until I was in my car that I realized I did nothing when a man in a wheelchair nearly plummeted to his demise! I better person should have lept out in front of him and thrown themselves in front of his chair! No wonder I got nothing today. I have bad karma!!!! I need to make this right! I can't be driving around another Saturday with no good finds in my van! I need to sing to orphans or cook for the elderly but I can't even do either of those! How will I ever find a real McCoy again? Will there be no more vintage kitchen items in red? I was feeling so down on myself for being such a thorn to my community but then I remembered I gave $2 to help Leukemia earlier! I'm not a thorn but a bud waiting to blossom. This community needs me and my painted treasures I offer up every week. I give, god damn it! I give! And wouldn't you know my next sale I got my fav of the day......an awesome old oak school desk that's already painted!!!!!!! And not just painted but painted really well in a blue and yellow plaid that's sure to fetch some bills!!!!! The yard sale gods might test but in the end they believe in me and from this day forward I shall not only continue but persevere and nothing, not even the disabled, shall stop me from giving! Thank you, oh divine ones! I'll make you proud!

A Date with the Overdressed, a Land of Tires and a Good Role Model for Today's Youth

Knowing it was a holiday weekend, knowing there were only a few sales advertised, knowing it rained all day yesterday, knowing that a crazy cold front had come in and turned our balmy Carolinas into a wintery hell, I still could not take a Saturday off. I think I would spontaneously combust if I ever sat out a saling adventure. I just have to! Jane (who's lost that lovin' feelin') stayed home and spent time with her family. Whatever! Not I. I actually hopped in that freezing van with my mother-in-law in tow and hit the high seas! How's that for quality family time?!

Surprisingly, we got to the first sale just as the lady was opening her garage. We got quite the look of detest as she saw us pulling up 10 minutes early. Luckily there was a sale a few blocks away so we thought it best if we give our non-morning girl a few minutes to set up. The other sale wasn't much but I did get my boy a Spiderman puzzle that wasn't even opened yet! My Christmas shopping is going much too well so early in the game! After that we went back to the Evil Eye but she had nothing but crap anyway. Or did she? Maybe she was just waiting for us pull away. I blame my mother-in-law for this (as I often do for everything) because she got waaay to dressed up for our morning out complete with zebra scarf and high heeled boots! How are we supposed to make the people feel sorry for us when I bring the Housewives of New Jersey with me? Beginners!

Next up was an inside/outside sale! Loooove these! Unfortunately these usually mean that a loved one has passed but I'm sure they have furniture stores in heaven. Honestly, most of the individuals who have 'gone-to-a-greater-place' are going to be tickled that they can score some new surroundings. I don't want to be struck by lightening or anything but what loads of shit people carry with them into their golden years! This sale (among other crap) had at least 15 truck tires for sale. How does that happen? Sure I might collect old rolling pins and some might find that weird but at least they're pretty and don't take up much room. These were 15 odd tires in an array of shapes (ok, maybe not shapes; round has proven to be the standard when it comes to tires) but an array of sizes. Wait a minute. Come to think of it, they would have made some good tire swings. Could have fit all the kids on my block with one of those bad boys! Darn it! I'll have to get one at the next sale with multiple truck tires. I did get a large have-a-heart-trap to protect my chickens from raccoons and possum and the like. And also I got a large metal cart if ever I am to hunt the flea markets again. I think such a purchase has put me into the category as one of THEM but I can mask my destiny no longer. I've got the tattoos. It was either carnie or Saturday morning junker and at least this keeps me home with my family. I wonder if there are any spots open at my kid's career day........."First kids, never get too intoxicated the night before you go saling. It messes with your game. Next, always jew down the prices. People really just want more room in their garages for next year's collection of stuff to be brought out for another yard sale. Next, kids and most importantly, always dress like you're homeless. It helps in the jewing down process. Any questions"? Oh I see prom king and queen in their future!!!! Hell, people only wear those outfits once. You know I can score a good deal! Aren't puffy sleeves coming back in style anyway?

Ok, back to saling and away from potential Linda Evans look-a-likes.........so the next sale I got my boy a really cute American flag sweater. It's too big and I know he'll never wear it because it doesn't have a cartoon character on it but I love all things flag so I'll be happy to put his clothes away beside it all season long. Maybe if I tell him it will make him an American hero like Superman he might sport it. Wish me luck!

The next sale was also an inside/outside sale (may they rest in peace)! We got there 20 minutes early and they made us wait every bit of it. When we were finally unleashed inside there were no price tags on anything. Such torture! I ran right to a great bench but how long was I to linger by it when I knew that there were so many other treasures yet to be explored! I finally got the lady's attention and she said the bench was $20. That was a great price but that would have taken all of my money so I had to walk away from the booty. That is a decision that is still haunting me so I must move on. I did walk out of there with a stupendous magazine table (at least that's what I think it is), a great Caribbean-esque painting, a small step stool and a little treasure chest. Ooooh? Should I have gotten the bench? Thing is, it would have been something I would sell and it's more of a spring seller so I do believe that I made the right call but................oooohh..........eeeerrrr.........ahhhhh.............did I? Sigh.

It only makes my brain struggle worse because the next sale was a bust and the last sale all I got was a bread box so really I could have gone into my best homeless routine and gotten all of my finds in one swoop. Oh such a life I lead! The pressure could drive me to drink. Just not on a Friday night!!!!!!

Belly Dancing, a Fecal Joy Ride and Next Year's Action Figures

Today was THE SHIT!!!!!!!! Totally the shit!!!!! Unfortunately I mean that literally. Last sale of the day I not only stepped in dog shit, I slid across a home owner's driveway in it. To boot, as I started to write this entry I could still smell my fecal surprise and realized it had gotten on the cuff of my pants. When I asked the Yard Sale Gods last week for an offering for my birthday weekend I was not expecting pet waste. Very funny Oh-Divine-Ones! At least I know when I go up to shabbitize heaven there'll be some knee slappin'! I want to write more but I fear for next week. I shan't upset thy spirits!

Ok, so I painfully got up at the butt crack of dawn and headed to sale #1. It was a church sale so I had to beat the freaks. I rushed there with my windows still dripping with condensation from leaving them open last night but I know better than to wipe the insides and leave droplet marks only to reappear when the sun later shines in and renders you blinded heading into oncoming traffic. Been there. Done that. Not this time. So, I'm off to the church with my head out the window like a beagle in 36 degrees because I must get there first and then I see it. Technically, yes, it was in fact at a church but it was one lady with one table of no longer needed infant crap. Obviously it was a drive by but in my cold, tired and pissy state, a little bubble appeared above my head and I thought, "wouldn't it be great if it was a drivethrough!" There'd be baby bjorns and those little blue snot suckers everywhere!!! Oh to do it just once! Just once!

Well, I didn't, so on I went to the second sale. This one was in the almost forbidden Pine Valley. Not only does Ol' P.V. have crazy winding streets that get me lost every time but all the streets are named after confederate generals and after a few wrong turns one begins to think that Robert E. Lee Drive could actually win this war. Not the case today though. I escaped unscathed. I even hit a freestyle and scored a super cute Superman bike for my boy for Christmas. I bought it from THE cutest little old man too. He even offered to carry it to my van with his little shuffle. Oh, how I wish I could swipe him up and bring him to Thanksgiving dinner! I just love little old men! Just call me Anna Nicole!

The other two sales in the dreaded P.V. were crap. We'll just chalk those up to a navigational confidence builder. I did see The Nemesis, however. And wouldn't you know that rat bastard had all kinds of chairs protruding from his truck. He must be stopped! He's turning me into Lex Luther! I want to be the superhero! I want superpowers!!!!! I wonder if I rip his shirt off if he's clad in latex with a giant J for Junkman? Now I can look forward to buying a Junkman action figure at next year's yard sales. I guess he would be more marketable than a YSM doll complete with fraying homeless person gloves. Why is it always Junkman, Junkman, Junkman?!!!!! Ugh!!! I'll get you yet!

Moving on........... I then went to a sale at a preschool (never a good sign) but I did get a painting of Psychiatry books and when I took the masking tape price tag off it left goo on it and tipped my buyer's remorse scale to a frightening degree. Psychiatry books? Really, Chrissy? Who is going to buy such art? Maybe I can use it to barter when I finally accept I need therapy. There ya go. There's a plan. Ugh.

So, after that I hit a freestyle but not just any freestyle. It was a pull-all-my-crap-out-of-a-U-haul freestyle! Oh Nellie do I love these!!! The freaky long, grey haired dude couldn't pull his crap out fast enough for me. I could see some dark wood but I just couldn't make out what they formed. Turned out to be two great solid chairs beyond perfect for the shabitization process. I'm trying to stay away from yet some more chairs but these were worth breaking the rules for. A lovely score indeed!

The next sale I bought some more action figures for my son for Christmas (no, no Junkman) but what really made the score great was that it was a mom who was having the sale and her son was home from college and she won't sell his toys without waking him up so she got him out of bed and he proceeded to tell me what all of their names were and what all the accessories were for. He was great! It was like Andy in Toy Story 3! So cute!

After that I got my baby a pair of much needed jeans even though his high waters are almost at the point of being those cool-kid long shorts so we'll see after his next growth spurt if they were really that great a score.

And then came the shit. So, I was so excited because my last sale had tons of girlie girl dresses hanging down from their porch. Unfortunately there seemed to be a wide range of sizes so I had to step into their bushes a bit to see the tags up close and that's when it happened. I didn't know I had stepped into a canine land mine until I hit their sloping pavement. I didn't know what the hell happened! It was literally like I stepped on a skateboard complete with flailing arms and eyes aghast. The homeowner apologized but I just 'poo pooed' it off like that always happens at yard sales. I tried to be polite and twist in her grass hoping to dislodge some of the doggie defecation but to no avail. Since I was mortified to get into my van with the excrement I continued to walk her 3 tables over and over. I'm lucky I did too because I found my daughter a pair of Christmas Pajamas which she needs by next week when she'll be on a float for the Christmas parade, I also got her an adorable red wool(like) pea coat and last but my fav of the day....da da dah.......a 'Learn how to Belly Dance for your Husband' album by none other than Sonny Lester (whoever he is). Not only is the vinyl in perfect condition but it has instuctions!!!!! INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!! You test me, Yard Sale Gods but you also grant me this token. I'm forever your disciple! When you chose to take me I will rejoice. Not only that, I shall do a titillating dance!!!! Hallelujah!!!! I've seen the light!

Please Shop @ Northrop's. Santa Has Some Credit Card Debt

Russian Delights, The Antique 80's and a Yearning for an Indian Girl

I'm sure Jane will be delighted (her daughter had yet another 7:30am soccer game and could not go hunting) as today was no great victory for Team YSM. I guess after last week I was expecting another packed van of goodies but no. I never even had to lift the hatch to the back of the van. (Sigh!)

My first stop was a 6:30 sale (which I love because seriously, what other freak is up that early?) but this one was a let down. The gal had a great old secretary desk but she wanted $75 for it. I would have paid maybe $30 so to the next stop I went.

This one was at a church but it was only 3 tables of Christmas stuff. I thoroughly looked through all the bins for vintage ornaments and such but all I left with was a set of 4 Santa Matryoshka dolls. Most would just call them nesting dolls but one of the random people I met while backpacking the Czech Republic in my former life was an American girl of Russian descent who insisted we trek through many a shops to score some of these early wooden weeble wobble prototypes because Prague was the closest she was going to get to her native land on this trip. I honestly can't remember if we ever made the score but I do remember she also insisted that we go see the Infant of Prague which, being a heathen, I had no idea who he was. Even seeing the little guy in that little church was less than spectacular but now whenever I see any I.O.P. statues (which by the way are always really tasteful!), I think of the fond times I shared with what's her face. To think if I was on one train later I might not have such tales to tell. Good Heavens! I might not have discovered the Hell beer for 30 cents a 40oz! No, one must be certain that some great moments in history could never be altered!

OK, back to the New World. Stop three was a kid's-shit-drive-by. Number four looked as though it might be the same but something made me get out and I'm glad I did because I got 30 or so Power Ranger figures for my son for Christmas for $2! I think these are about $8 each so a mighty fine find indeed! Luckily, unlike my daughter who quote, "likes things with instructions" aka 'new in a box,' my four year old still loves any ol' crap that I give him. Why do they have to grow up?

Next up was a freestyle but all I got was a step stool. Have I mentioned before that they sell like crazy with a coat of paint? Go figure. I also wanted a table top vanity but she wanted $10 for it because she said "it's very old." I don't think the late 70's/early 80's qualify for 'very old' just yet. Then again, if she were right, I could retire early with my collection of antique smurfs and Cabbage Patch Kids. I wonder what Southeby's could get for my Wham! cassettes. And not just the one with the classic Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go but their first contribution to the art word with Bad Boys on it. Mother of God! Start the bidding!!!!!!!!
(Incidentally, I saw The Nemesis driving away from this sale with a ton of furniture in his truck. It was only 7:05!!!!! How! How does he do it??????)

My next sale was where I scored my fav of the day; an old magazine rack. I really love that it sits higher off the ground than most. Look. Like I said, today was no great win! What I also loved about this sale was that some of the neighbors had gathered and busted out some of the trivial pursuit cards that were up for sale. I felt badly because I only offered her half of what she was asking for the rack but jeez I wanted in on that game! It might have been worth a couple of bucks to sit in on a round. In life, you don't always get second chances. My trivia ship had sailed away. (Sigh #2)

Up next I was headed to the only other neighborhood I fear more than Pine Valley for the possibility of getting lost for several hours and that's the almost forbidden Glenn Meade!!!! Almost. With a half of a month old water bottle and the likelihood of even older Cheerios behind the car seats, I braved the uncharted land. There were two sales to conquer and the first had many signs for easy navigation, much to a salers delight. The second however, I was not so lucky. There I was, embarking on new ground much like Lewis and Clark but without Sacajawea (Do I even have my history right? I don't know but you get the idea.) I was about to panic when I saw this little old lady who we always see driving around in her little grey Ford Escort. She was going to the sale I had just left but it was better than roaming the forest alone. From there I asked the home owners how to escape their Glenn Meade Triangle and alas I was safe. I had to scratch the second sale altogether and therefore, nothing was purchased at either of these sales but I live to tell the tale. Priceless!

After my close encounter with death, I hit two more drive-bys. I think I was just too shaken up to stop the van. Finally, I did get the nerve to get out and I scored a cheesy painting in a terrific frame.

On my way home, I hit a freestyle and got a not so great washboard. The writing is almost entirely faded and I probably should have passed but I didn't. And there you have it. On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 2 but hey, I went to a church sale yesterday and it was a 5. Together, not a bad week. Next Saturday will be right before my birthday and I believe the Gods will grant me their gifts like last year when I got an old tobacco basket that I had been looking for for YEARS for $5!!!! I guess I can wait. (Sigh #3)

More Items for Sale!!!!

To purchase any of these great pieces, head to Ivy Cottage on Market Street in Wilmington!

Suicide, The Gold Rush and Jealous Onlookers!

SWEET MARY, MOTHER OF GOD!!!! TODAY WAS GREATEST YARD SALE DAY EVER!!!! Well, maybe not ever but up there in the top 10!!!! And to think I almost didn't go! Last night hubby's work gave him two tickets to the Chamber of Commerce's Annual Oyster Roast downtown. I'm not much of a seafood lover but an open bar with an amazing band overlooking the Cape Fear River was worth the stench of low tide any day of the week! So, as you can imagine Rule #1 had to be broken (especially since it didn't end there but at a local bar 5 houses down from my own!). Jane had mentioned that she MIGHT be joining me but I didn't believe her. When she texted me this morning I thought for sure she was crapping out on me but oh no! The one time I wanted to get some more shut eye, Jane's a player. And I'm freakin' glad she was!!!!!!

Our first stop was at a church. We got there early but they were adamant that the doors opened at 7. So there we were with the usual carnie freaks waiting on line in the dark and in the cold. Luckily I was still half asleep or I would have started a ruckus with a rather large gal who cut in front of us. The way she bolted up the steps we both just assumed that she was a worker. No. Just a trashy junker getting a head start. I did think evil things of her but knew I could take her in a foot race once we got inside so she got her way. Finally, the doors did open and just as I thought, I zigged around the hoodie clad pachyderm with great ease. I got a great rusty old garden orb base that will look great as a candlestick holder, a scrabble game, a much needed basket for my upstairs bathroom, two decorating books and an old 60's knitting basket stocked to the rim with supplies. I know you're probably sick of hearing me talk about how I'm going to learn to knit this winter but now I REALLY have to. I have enough yarn to make everyone I know a lovely new scarf that they will hold on to a while but then sell at their own yard sales. At least I'll have something to keep me warm on my lap in this drafty 100 year old house of mine. I just hope you don't find me hanging from one of them come February. I'm sooooooo not a cold person!

Well, on that happy thought......moving right along, we went to a sale put on by a dance school and I got my wonderful daughter a great pair of boots and 9 funky articles of clothing that she's currently parading in, in and out of this room as I type. I wonder how many more years I have of getting away so cheap? Please tell me it's not months! Maybe I can find a ticket gun at one of these sales and stretch this out a little bit more. Oh yes! That will work superb!

After that, we went to a sale at the American Legion and that was where I scored most of my mother load!! My first purchases were a giant wooden seahorse, a brass compass and a brass anchor. I was so tickled with those that when I saw two AMAZING McCoy vases I got excited but just assumed they were some dealers and they wanted a ton of money for them. Imagine my chagrin when the lady said $2.50! FOR BOTH!!!!! I almost wanted to give her more because I felt terrible but then it passed and I wished her a good day! They are soooooo awesome! Then I got a great lone glass that I'm not sure why I love it but I just do, I got a pink glass water pitcher where the glass sits on the top for beside your bed, I got an awful wooden wishing well that will shabbitze nicely (remember to insert jazz hands!), I also got a super cool cotton Mammy doll (LOVE THESE) and last but not least a pink depression glass bowl! Man, what a stop!!!!!!!!!!! This is the high the 49ers must have felt! Or Yukon Cornelius!!! We struck gold!!!!!!!!

After that my poor Jane had to go home to be a mommy. Luckily my wee ones stayed over their Nana's so I could continue my quest. My first stop was a bust but at number two I got a new Coke cookie jar, Star Wars Bubbles for my son (Christmas is just around the corner!), an old jar with a red lid and my fav of the day......a red metal rack that gets mounted under a cabinet with 16 jars that screw into it who's original purpose was to house and organize nails and screws but I think she will look SPECTACULAR as a spice rack!!!! Everyone who has seen it has gasped with excitement! Oh yes indeed! Envy me! Envy me!!!! It's really THAT cool!!!

Now after that I got two t-shirts for my boy, a dresser I really don't need hovering over me insisting that I paint it any time soon but it was just too cheap that I couldn't resist it. The lady at the sale offered me a munchkin too and how could I walk away after such generosity?

So, at that point, it was getting late and I was about to go home when I remembered an earlier sale where I was looking at old Nancy Drew books (I just love the colors of their jackets!) and when I asked her how much she said, "Oh, whatever you want to give me." Well! Jane and I spent quite a bit of time going through them and when we went to pay she told us $2 EACH!!!! What the hell?! Obviously we dropped them like an early morning calculus class but I just couldn't get them out of my mind. So began the obsession! Sure enough when I got back they were all still there along with a TON of other books and I got her to come down to a little over 43 cents each for all 23 of them! I know I can bunch 4 or 5 of them with some pretty ribbon and sell them for a nice profit! That is if I can part with any of them. It seems those pretty little books can fit anywhere in my decor like they've always needed to be there. I'm so excited! Remember a few weeks ago when I claimed I was going to try to live more minimally? Just kidding. I'm Christine C. and I'm a junker! Always will be!!!!! What can I say, I've got dust in my veins!!!!!

Aftas

"Afta."
"Afta what?"
"Afta afta."

-Mr. Miyagi

Darkness, My Own Addiction and The Hearing Impaired

I really don't remember it so dark saling this time last year. I felt so pathetic out there this morn solo-saling at my first stop making purchases solely by the rays of one landscaping lamp. (Yes, my almost ex-friend, Jane's daughter STILL has soccer games that conflict with our Team YSM! What the f*@%?) It was truly pitch black out there! In fact it was so dark...How dark was it?......It was so dark I bought a painting with not one but two frigging huge gashes in it! Yeah! That dark! How will I ever recover that bill again?! Bullshit!! Well, in all honesty, I did buy it for the really pretty old frame it was in but still! When did we move to Iceland?

So, after my first stop, I was still in a good mood because I had no idea at that point that I had purchased a painting by Edward Scissor Hands so I pulled up to #2 all giddy. At this sale I got a great drop leaf side table that's unusual because it has three sides. (Painted and shabbitized it should be stupendous!) I also got a black hinged thingy that you put frames on if you don't want to hang them. I'd been wanting one of these too and then voila! Thank you, Yard Sale Gods! It's bitter sweet, though, because I got it home and on my mantel where I have a painting from a few weeks ago and I put the two together thinking it would be like when peanut butter first met jelly but now I don't like the way it sits off the ground exposing the base so just as I'm truly trying to minimalize, I definitely think I need to put some wonderful new score in front of it. I just don't believe there's a cure for what I've got. I'm a terminal collector. Please don't send flowers but money to my foundation (preferably small bills).

Back to saling....so, the sales that followed were crap. Literally each sale had one table with maybe ten things on them. Did they need $10 THAT badly? (And by $10 I'm pushing it!) It was still so darn dark, though, that my stops couldn't be drive-bys. I was forced to get out of my warm van only to be let down by their display of bad Walmart purchases. I was just too cold to force my usual polite browse, however. The up side to the darkness is that no one can identify the strange lady who bolts in and out of their driveways.

Unfortunately I had half an hour to kill before my 8 o'clockers. I went to a church anyway hoping they might let us in early. Not a chance. So there I was on line with the freaks. One old man had on THE brightest polyester red pants (and white patten leather shoes) I have ever seen! (His equipment had to be cold as hell!) Another old lady kept motioning her arms like she was landing a plane. Maybe she had arthritis and now I'm going deeper into hell but I just wanted to tackle her and make her stop. Then some crazy looking lady with weird hair and an even weirder accent started to talk to me. She was saying the normal stuff you say when you engage in small talk but the volume with which she was engaging really set her off on my crazy meter. Even Iced Nuts and the lady doing the Y-M-C-A dance were looking at us. I tried to speak softly to compensate but I just wasn't convinced I wasn't setting off their crazy meter as well. All I kept thinking about was the time I got a tad tipsy at a bachelor auction fundraiser and I decided to talk to the mayor about my very strong opinions about our local politics and I thought I made some fantastic, poignant points about the future of our beloved city but as it turns out, Jane was there and was concerned that I was getting a cold because CLEARLY my ears were clogged because I was screaming at the poor man. Why was I doing that? And the better question is, why didn't Jane intervene? Isn't that what friends are for? And ironically, you'll never guess who was feeding me all that damn champagne.....a local attorney! Not only did he generously dole out bubbly but little tins with mints and his number on them! Isn't that entrapment?! I NEED TO TALK TO THE MAYOR!!!!!!!

I can't stop laughing.....where the hell was I? Ummm....Oh! The church! So finally they let us in and it was amazing!!!! So much stuff!! I got a great old step stool that's a chair (you know the ones) in my favorite color red, I got a magazine rack for my daughter, another magazine rack that's wall mounted (should be great when it's shabbitzed [in the future, please insert jazz hands whenever I say the word 'shabbitized', ok?]), and lastly I got yet another vintage red felt elf. I just frigging LOVE them! Not much else these days can put a smile on your face for 5 cents! What can I say? I'm a cheap date!

So that about wraps it up. Not a day for the history books but sometimes, folks, the journey is the destination. I spent $9.05 and was thoroughly entertained! And hell, I got some great parting gifts to boot! Oh the life of a saler! Now I must attend to my mantel. There has to be SOMETHING in this house I can use! If not there's always next week..........

Homelessness, Cryogenics and Possible Arson

Holy hell.......when did it get so friggin cold?! I had no idea it was time to bust out my homeless person gloves already. I'm not sure if I shared this story already but last Christmas I asked for a pair of gloves with exposed fingertips and my darling husband bought me a regular pair of knit gloves from Walmart and cut the fingers off. They immediately began to fray to which hubby offered to burn the ends (while they were still on my hands!). I declined and now when I wear them I look as though I had a good Friday night in the park begging for money and now I can afford to yard sale like the rest of high society. I think it's payback for when I told him to grow his hair out and I kept telling him that although it was bushy and in that slightly awkward stage that it looked just fine. It didn't. He looked like a big red Chia Pet. Sometimes a girl just needs a chuckle. OK, back to saling....

As I said, it was a tad chilly. I kept expecting to see Walt Disney's frozen corpse at one of my stops but I don't think he's ready to thaw just yet. I'm not sure he'd want to come back to life now anyway and discover that his fellow Americans are so fat that we're sinking his boats in 'It's a Small World'. (True story. We really are.) Wow. I'm all over the place this morning. Could someone please get me some decent gloves and a prescription for Ritalin this Christmas? So where was I.....? Saling! That's right, I'm writing a yard sale blog.....

So, despite the cold and darkness I set sale this morning. First up was at a church and I thought it would be great but what little they had was waaaaay over priced! It sucked too because my next stop didn't start for 25 more minutes so I had to walk the 2 aisles over and over and over. If I'd had my gloves on I'm sure the gals running the show would have thought I'd come in for the warmth. Oh well. Strike one.

Next was a k.c. (kid's crap). Out of boredom I did buy a new Sponge Bob sippy cup for my special son who still can't drink out of a cup. It was so dark out still that I paid 50 cents for it and then got in my van and noticed the sticker said 25 cents. You know that move is going to throw my whole day off!!! Kills me!

Next up was more k.c. and a drive by at that! With too much time before 8, I decided to hit a few in a neighborhood a bit out of my loop. I scored a hideous metal wire shelf that I'm thinking will paint and shabbitize nicely but I don't know. I think I just wanted to buy something. Leaving there I saw a sign for a freestyle but the man was still setting up so he told me to come back. After that I hit another freestyle and got a fantastic metal carousel that I haven't a clue what should go in it but painted will be AMAZING!!! I don't really think it's my decor but someone is going to shit when they see this thing! Good score! Fav of the day!!

After that I went back to Freestyle I and a got a nice table, a mirror and a metal boat! That little roll got me in the mood! After that I went to a street that had 3 sales!! I got a nice copper salt and pepper set, a measuring set on a wooden stand (screaming to be scabbitized!!), a bowl from an old mixer (for Mama!), a brush set for my daughter (whose knots are so bad she broke her last brush and coined her the nickname, Bob Molly), and lastly an old metal tray with an Asian scene that I bought with none other than Mrs. Linton in mind. Who is Mrs. Linton you ask? I don't know because I never met the woman but I did rent her beau-ti-ful house last weekend in Black Mountain, NC for a wedding and she had all these amazing Asian antiques and I admired them so much and frankly wanted to steal them but I controlled myself and then 2 days after we left the house on the crest of the mountain with the stunning views, it burned to the ground. To the ground!!!! Isn't that awful?!!! Forensics were there yesterday and I'm hoping to god it was nothing we did but either way! How insane! None-the-less, now I have an Asian tin tray that will always remind me of dear old Mrs. Linton's gorgeous home. Crazy right?

So, after that I was pressed for time and could only stop at a few more. They were complete crap but I did get a wonderful old typewriter that I've been wanting for years. It will go great in my 'World Traveler' room. Now I can add author to the many accomplishments of my fictitious Renaissance Man that I'm staging in my front living room. I'm such a loser! Speaking of which, I just read a book called 'Clutter's Last Stand' because really, I'm trying! But anyway one of the things it said was, "Do the majority of people who enter your home for the first time say it's....er.....interesting?" Son of a bitch they do!!!! Damn it! Can you add therapy to my Christmas list too? That one's going to cost you. You might want to make it a Christmas/birthday combo.

Pushy Boy Scouts, Dead Beat Soccer Dudes and My Big Fat Ass

How is it possible that I went to my first 6 sales this morning without buying a single thing? And 2 of them were churches?! I thought Jane put some sort of hex on me because she could not participate in the games. Perhaps she did but her voodoo wore off by the time I hit lucky number 7. Not that it was great but it put me back in the game. I got a nice old glass and metal outdoor coffee table and a rusted scrolly wire hanging planter. (It looks better than it sounds).

Next up was a fundraiser for a boy scout troop. It's amazing I got anything because all the little people were getting bored and so resorting back to their old toys and it was complete pandemonium of scooter riding, pogo bouncing, lacrosse, and a lot of, "Mommy, mommy! Can I have little Jimmy's (such and such)? It's only a dollar?" I really just wanted to turn around (since I just got back from a week in Myrtle Beach with my own little beggars) but I persevered and scored a great sturdy wicker table (always a good re-seller), a beautiful painting of a barn scene, a great frame with glass and lastly a Cooking Mama Cookoff Wii game that I really didn't even want but those 5 little lads had a lot more energy than I did and wouldn't take no for an answer. The one little weasel even said that he still loves to play it. Yeah right! I'm so sure that in between boy scouts and soccer and general boys-will-be-boys rough housing, I just know you rush home for a swell game of Cooking Mama Cookoff! Little shit! Incidentally my very grateful little angels have already come in here to tell me how much the game sucks. Great. I think they said the fundraiser was for a paintball tournament. I've been meaning to take that sport up anyway. Little Jimmy's going down!!!!!!

After that I hit a sale for a men's soccer team or something. That seemed like a really weird organization to host a fundraiser because really, if you can't afford the high expenses of playing soccer every Saturday morning for 2 months then maybe you should take the shin guards off and get a second job or possibly a first in some cases. Well, I enabled one of the losers with Peter Pan Syndrome because I just couldn't walk away from a cheap wooden hanging swing. I mean that literally too. The last one I had, my neighbor and I sat on it and we fell right to the ground cushioned only by wood slats in our tail bones. Come to think of it, my friend and I also took down my hammock in a similar act of grace. Sucks when the common denominator is my fat arse! I think this new one will be a 'show swing' like Aunt Ethel's holiday towels. Look, I have a low live oak branch that's at a perfect horizontal level. It's just screaming for a swing! A hundred years ago when she was just a sapling she didn't know her cohabitators were going to biggie size everything. It would be unjust not to accessorize nature's beauty! (You buying this crap?) Well, I did. So looks like I better get painting!!!!

By the way, The Yard Sale Mama is having her own yard sale tomorrow @ 8! I have a really great Wii game for you, my friend! (Just don't be tempted to sit on my new swing)!

Huey Lewis, Geriatric Salespeople and Mutations

So, some of you may know that earlier in the week we discovered that our kitchen wall was riddled with mold from a leaking 100 year old pipe. In the few days it took for the insurance company to get back to us and tell us that it would be covered under our policy, I did not sleep A WINK! Ironically, the kitchen is the one room in the house we've completely gutted and redone from the studs. Now, that's exactly what must be done AGAIN! Kind of makes me want to kick out a pipe in the bathroom. Think they'll suspect any foul play? Anyway, I'm mentioning this to you because today was the day, apparently, that my body wanted to catch up on zzz's. And of all the songs to blare out of the alarm clock and remind me of the fact that it wasn't going to happen on this fine morning.....'It's Hip to Be Square!' Screw you, Huey Lewis! You know that s.o.b. is sleeping in with his quest for a new drug and all. Damn you, Huey!! Don't you know no News is good news!!!!! (Ha ha! Good one, Chrissy!)

Ok, so I woke up (albeit with that frigging song in my head...STILL!) and met Jane for saling. Our list, aka 'The Route' was pretty crappy. The first one was at a church a few blocks away and in years past this has been a great one. It was a 6 o'clocker too so we were excited to start with a bang. That is until we saw The Nemesis LEAVING the sale with a bunch of shit in the back of his truck! The guy's a fucking ninja! How does he do it?! Of course we got there and there's shit left. To boot there's a guy with the loudest voice of all time cracking on Jane's lead foot. He just keep talking and laughing but we literally walked away. Then I asked someone about a table and wouldn't you know it's The Voice of God's and he said he was hoping to get $150 for this hideous table and mirror that he claims to have paid $800 for then said that he's in 'the renovations' business (ok, drill gun engineer!) and that's why he had all this stuff. So, which is it? Did you pay 8 bills for this or did you heist it off your last job site? Either way I was only a player at about $25 so we left while he was still talking.....loudly.

When I plotted the route last night, I had assumed that that sale would have taken us longer. It was only 6:40 and the next sales were 7 o'clockers. We went to them anyway but they weren't even set up yet. Three later we finally got to one but it was crap. Then we went to our 7:30 one in a fancy neighborhood (even though it was only 7) and there were a ton of people there already!! And what was there already had sold stickers on them!!! Huh? I did get a frame that I believe will work with a nice watercolor from a few sales ago but what the hell! The lady of the house (in her 60's) was one hell of a sales person too. Usually that irks me but her I loved. I think my husband the car manager should go back and hire her. If she could sell a Hyundai like she sold Jane a beat up bar stool.....I think we could be her fancy neighborhood neighbors! Of course then she would be able to move to the water (which would be ok, really; don't think I could live next to her). She'd send me to the poor house too every time her grand kids had a school fundraiser!

So, after that, we hit a freestyle and I got a great trunk (well, great on a day when the bar is low). I also wanted a really cute needlepoint of a cabin but she wanted $3 for it and I really couldn't fork out that kind of dough. It was a dollar item all day long. It needed a new frame and it was in an oval matte so you know it was discolored underneath and I just couldn't do it. The lady wouldn't budge either! I did the right thing by walking away (with my new trunk) but hell if I'm not obsessed with the damn thing now! Must....Let......Go!!!!!

So, we leave there and are about to hit our 8 o'clockers when we see the craziest thing ever (well, the guy shitting in the driveway that time while giving us full eye contact was pretty great too!). But we saw a guy riding a bike and his friend on the handlebars....normal, right? Oh no! These were 2 of the ugliest guys EVER!!!!! In fact the handlebar mutant was so ugly that Jane swore he had to be a dummy. There is some credibility to that theory since he did have a STRIKING resemblance to Alfred E. Newman but I have to think he was real! And to make it even crazier, they were laughing away! Happy as hell to be peddling a bike at 8 in the morning on a Saturday! Then again, it's not like they had dates last night that kept them up late. If my husband ever figures out his new 'easy to use' Flip Video I definitely HAVE to start capturing some of this shit! Did I mention how WHITE he was?! My word!!!

I swear we should have just called it a day after that! Or at least driven around the corner to see it again! But we didn't. We went to a bunch more shit sales. Shouldn't people be rejoicing in the fact that it's finally dropped below 90 and cleaning out their houses? Why such an off day? Maybe The Nemesis got to all our sales right before we did. Maybe that's why The Beastly Bike Boys were laughing! Oh man! I have to take a new look at my life when the short bus kids are laughing at ME! Nah. They were laughing at Jane. Definitely Jane!

JUST IN FOR FALL!!!!!!

Please come on out to the Pelican's Roost on Carolina Beach Road to get these items!

From left to right......
A Blue 'Half' Accent Table, $37; Four Red Jars w Lids in a Caddy, $29; a Shabby Old Yellow Toy Box, $49; an Antique White Shabby 'Bow' Shelf, $30; a Blue Men's Vintage Folding Jewelry Box, $33; a FANTASTIC Island Scene Watercolor in Very Old Camel Colored Frame with Lead Glass, $140; and this must have Aqua Blue Child's Desk and Chair Set, $70.

Please help me make room! I have so much more!!!!!

Elves, Dead Cattle and Bob

Well, I got a late night text from Jane (who I assume was breaking Rule #1 [tsk tsk]) saying that she couldn't make it this morning. Solo again! I'm kind of glad she wasn't with me because it was a different kind of day. Not bad...just different. I think it was because there were so few 7 o'clockers and a lot more freestyles. This gave me more time to sit back in the van and sing along with the radio which miraculously was coming in even though I was vandalized in Myrtle Beach (6 months ago) and the thug sons of bitches stole not only my antenna but the guts of it underneath the hood. This would require me to bring it in to Toyota and spend way too much money and I refuse to give Toyota a penny more than they have already sucked from me. The van's also a lease so in 5 more months I can give the beat up piece of shit back. I hope they don't think it will be in perfect condition. What do they expect a 5 year old minivan to look like? I can't be the only one who's given one back with chocolate milk stains on the ceiling! Ok, sorry about the rant. Back to business......

So! Since I only had four 7's on my route I figured I'd go to the furthest one 1st. When I pulled up I wanted to weep due to all the kids shit but for some reason I got out of the van. I politely scanned their 'should go to goodwill' crap and was about to leave when I saw a vintage leather jacket hanging amongst infant Halloween costumes. I tried the sucker on and although it was a tad tight around the boobulas, it fit like a glove! I freaking love it!!!!! When I got home I noticed it's reversible too! Suede on one side and leather on the other. Seriously it might be my favorite jacket I've ever owned AND IT WAS ONLY 3 CLAMS!!!!! Man oh man, what a score!!!!! I does smell, well, leathery. I hope I can get past that. Maybe someday NASA can figure out a way to neutralize that decaying cow flesh odor. Steaks don't even smell that bad! I tell you what though, I was in Morocco years ago and some pesky kid wanted to be our guide and although we said no he persisted and when we did the math we realized it was less than a dollar so we gave in. Anyway, one of his 'must see' spots was a leather dying facility on a roof and when I tell you it stunk like nothing I have even endured before or since, I still am not conveying to you how badly it stunk!!!! The kid gave us mint leaves to stuff up our noses but it only made it smell like dead fish were in a mojito. Sweet Mother of God I will never forget that smell. maybe that's why I'm not the biggest lover of leather. Oh well. My new jacket is just too damn snazzy!!! If I'm lucky I'll have colds all winter and me and my buggery anti-odor blocker can sport my new digs like a rock star!!! Have I really only gotten to my first item?? Not to worry, my day was like a Subway sandwich: not too much meat between the bun.

So, yeah, after scoring the jacket I drove around to a bunch of nothing sales. Literally the whole 7 o'clock hour was nothing more than a tour of central Wilmington. Then, when the clock struck 8, I went to a sale and got a half table and a set of jars that will both paint and shabbitize nicely.
After that I hit a friend's mother-in-law's sale and got an old Atlas jar with lid, 3 old felt elves (which of course I collect) and an old Christmas stocking (really, I just love vintage Christmas shit!!!) My 8 o'clockers were turning out to be alright! I also got an incredible 3 tiered table with trefoils on the sides, an old chair with beautiful dark wood and lastly but certainly not leastly, a biography on Bob Marley!!! With pictures!!!!
Jane, you missed another great day! I hope the spirits were worth it last night! Well, I've got to go get this dead cow out of my bedroom. I keep looking back and I swear I see that cartoon white fog coming from my score and aiming for my nose. I have a surprising urge for french fries too. Gonna be an interesting fall!!

Englishtown, Gifts from The Divine and Illegal Tortoise Trade

I really don't even know where to begin this morning. I haven't written in 2 weeks because I went to The Motherland (New Jersey [exit 117]) last weekend for a wedding but really because I wanted to go to the spegtacala (Long Island for spectacular)Englishtown Auction, the holiest of holy lands! I've been going to this flea market since I was single digits with my dad. We'd go at 5:30 a.m. with flashlights like some archaeologists on a quest for the missing link. My dad would get some tool or tool part and always another pair of work jeans or a pair of sneakers for a dollar. I would get imitation Cabbage Patch Kids accessories and maybe a Benetton shirt or Camp Beverly Hills depending on the year. Neither were the real deal but I rocked them like I was on the cover of Seventeen Magazine! Anyway, I wanted to write about my trip last week, kind of a special edition like when the Bradys went to Hawaii but my modem has been down and I've been unable to hit the world wide web. I've posted pics of the loot and a few afters but I'm afraid that's all I can do. One must move on.........
So, today.....
When did it get so dark at 6:30 a.m? Jane couldn't accompany me this morn because her man had to go away for work. It was pretty creepy going out to sales alone and vulnerable in the black abyss with cash in my pocket. Well, I thought that for about 5 seconds then I got over it and got excited to begin my adventure.
The first sale looked ok from the street then was shit up close. When I left, however, there was a sign for a freestyle right around the corner! Mother of God was it awesome!!! I got an old metal glider (for $5!!!!!!!!!!!!), not 1 but 2 gorgeous oak tables and a great old frame WITH the glass that I already put up against a watercolor of a harbor that's currently in a way cheesy 80's metal frame and I think it will be smashing when the two finds collide. Man, what have I done to please the Yard Sale Gods like this?! I do try to always do the right thing but this is too much!!! You're spoiling me!!!!
OK, out of the clouds and back on land, it was only 7:02 and I already had to dump the goods!!!!! I was so excited I could barely keep from shouting!!! In fact I did a duet with Allison Krauss on the radio and I really think we killed it! I hope she doesn't ask me to go on tour with her. How would I hit the sales in the mornings with a rock star lifestyle? Not to mention the price hikes when the fans realize who I am. Sorry, Allison, you'll have to stick with Robert Plant for the duets. I can only spread myself so thin!
Back to saling.....so, I went back home and started fresh with a clean(ish) van. That was when my sails began to luff. The next few sales were crap. I had a slight gust when I scored an authentic tortoise shell (are they even legal anymore?), a metal 'M' and a 'D' in red (for my daughter and husband) and a great old pillow that already spices up my living room!
Then, back to more shit sales.
I was so excited though, when I got to a church sale and The Nemesis was right behind me but I beat him there and had the edge but they wouldn't let us in before 8 and when I peaked in it looked like a lot of kids clothes. Damn you, Nemesis!!! Next time!!!!
So, on to the next sale.
There I got a huge box of corks for 50 cents and a......umm.....an........umm......well, I'm not sure what it is. I first thought it was a folding tv tray. Then, I thought it was a folding jewelry box. Now, I think it definitely folds and it's for whatever the fuck you want. Not sure I can write that on a tag but I'll hit the thesaurus and see what I come up with.
Meanwhile, during that sale, it started to rain. A wee drizzle but rain none-the-less. Usually this just means folks give the stuff away but it seemed this morning they just packed up and went back to bed.
There was one last sale around the corner from my house and I bought a pair of peacock feather earrings that I know will infect my ears but I saw a girl at a sale earlier with a pair and they looked great on her. The lady that made them claimed that they're silver plated but she might just be referring to the color not the metal. For a buck, I'll give it a go!!!
So, that wraps up my morning. Another terrific week. Hard to top Englishtown but hey, what could? What the hell could?????

I know fans of YSM were simply devastated last weekend when Mama was nowhere to be found. That's because I was up in The Garden State at beautiful Englishtown Auction, my favorite place on planet earth!!!
Ok, down to business, you can find these items at Northrop's Antiques Mall in Southport, NC...... (sorry, the fan has already sold!)
A Blue Ship's Wheel Wine Rack, $34; a Two Tiered Pie Crust Table in Camel (thanks, Suzanne for the description) $119; a Vintage Red and Blue School desk, $59; a Metal Tea & Coffee Bin, $22; a Shabby Yellow Two Tired Compote, $24; a Antique White Shabby Oval Table w Drawer, $129; a Green Hull Pedestal Vase $17; a Celedon Green Vintage Floral Vase, $29; and a Red Shabby Pie Cabinet, $59. Tune in tomorrow for more fabulous finds and adventures!!!!

Now featuring at The Pelican's Roost............
Carolina Washboard $24; Yellow Metal Sun $26; 1950's Eskimo Metal Fan $33; and a Golden Yellow Shabby Table $39.

You know you need this Antique White Shabby Quilt Rack and this Greecian Blue Two Tiered End Table. They'll be at Ivy Cottage on Market Street if ya can't live without 'em!!!

The 1980's, An Old Crush and a Man on 2nd

I was sleeping so nicely. I mean REALLY so soundly! And I got up for this shit! Ugh!!!! Oh well. I can sleep when I'm dead. So.......

The first sale was on a grocery store's parking lot. We went here last week but it must have been listed to try to get vendors for the next week because last week when we went there there was no sale. I wanted to boycott it because they duped me but there weren't that many sales today so what the hell, we went. At fist glance it looked as though it was going to be good but it was a facade. I asked one granny who was a slow talking Katherine Hepburn how much a few of her things were but she wanted too much for her crap. Mr. President of P.B.S, please cancel Antiques Roadshow so that I don't have to deal with such people who think that their broken doll cradle is worth $20. I feel like I can't possibly be old enough to make statements like this but....remember the 80's? You could buy ANYTHING for a dollar! Now every one's 'in the know'! Then again there was no HGTV then I was forced to watch This Old House and New Yankee Workshop for inspiration. I had such a crush on Steve. He was such a dufus but man could he swing that hammer! Now there's hosts like dreamy Oosterhouse. I have to agree with Virginia Slims. 'You've come a long way, baby'! So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, sale at the grocery store. I did get a cheesy metal sun (because I had to buy something) and a batman cape for my son for a quarter. Woo hoo!!!

After that we hit 2 freestyles that both sucked. I was sure that I was going to pull up to #2 on my list and someone was going to be pulling away with the score of a lifetime which I would have missed because of my detour but I had nothing to worry about. Number 2 was #2 alright. Shit! I got all of a Buzz Lightyear plastic water bottle for my son. Yippie!

Next up was my score of the day. A great old vanity that with a little paint will be a home run. Well, it doesn't have the mirror so maybe just a man on 3rd. Well, some of the veneer has chipped off so a solid man on 2nd. Now I'm bummed. My fav of the day and I'm only half way around the field. Great!

Ok, next was a shit sale with a bunch of kids crap but I did get a Spanish dictionary (you can always use one of those, right? Right?) and an old Tom Swift and His Rocket Ship book from the 50's with a really pretty vibrant cover. Slow me down!!!

After that, blah blah blah. And after that blah, blah, blah. Then I got yet another skateboard helmet for my daughter because Goldilocks can't seem to find the one that's just right. And lastly I got 2 awful fruit 'paintings' that are fake cheap prints made to look like paintings and I didn't want them but the lady insisted that Jane take them because she didn't want to have to bring them back in. Even Jane didn't want them so I'm stuck with them for our next yard sale. Don't know when that will be but I can't wait to sit back and watch the freak show. Yard salers! What losers!!!

Check out this Yellow Low Back Bench w/ Red Bird Fabric; $47, Old Window w/ Decorative Finials and Candle Holders; $37 and this Sea Foam Rustic Step Stool; $42 @ Pelican's Roost!!!!

Went back to the sale with the over priced chair and not only did he sell it for what I wanted to pay, I also got a farm table!!!! Then, on the way home, I hit a freestyle and scored an old step stool!!! Great Day!!!!

An English Gentleman, An Ugly American and Pasties

Why is it I spring out of bed during the week before the alarm even goes off and I'm a chipper little sprite ready to take on the day? Saturday morning rolls around however, and the alarm sounds like a Cold War air raid? So many of life's little mysteries! Well, in hind sight, the scare of a Russian invasion was well worth it.

Our first stop was one of those where their stuff was great but a wee pricey even though we knew we could still make a nice profit off the goods. I was tempted to pass but so many people were looking at the same items I was. I was all but urinating on them to mark my territory so in the heat of the moment with the feeling of winning, I purchased a nice little bench that will come back to life very nicely with some new paint and fabric and a violin that I'v been looking for for my daughter because my sister-in-law, her god mother, plays one and she's shown an interest so far be it for me to stifle her artist goals! (Incidentally, my sister-in-law, Shannon, plays with Flight's Kool up in the Garden State and you must go see them if you're up that way 'cause they're awesome!!! And I'm not just sayin' that!!!) Ok, so back to me me me. I also left there at the last minute with a tall wooden quilt rack. Not sure how popular these things are today but painted an antique white and shabbied up, I don't think you could resist it.

Next up was a sale that they have on a church's lawn pretty frequently but it's turned into a dealer's flea market and if I wanted to pay antique store prices I sure as shit wouldn't be up at the crack of dawn trudging through the morning dew soaked grass getting my toes and flip flops all saturated and covered with grass clippings. I leave there looking like Swamp Thing (empty handed!!!) I say I'm not going to go back but my name is Christine C. and I'm an addict!

After that we hit a few duds but then we went to one with tons of beautiful antiquities but again, too expensive. Jane however, got the husband outside to give her a price on a HUGE old crock and she got the sucker for $25!!!!! It's got to be worth hundreds!!! Well done, Jane!!! Mama got nothin'. (Sigh)

The next couple were shitty. I did get a few headbands for my little lady and some books. One was even an old Hardy Boys book but blah, blah, blah. I did see an amazing old metal patio chair but I just couldn't spend $20 for it. Now I won't sleep for days thinking about it. It was really THAT cool. Bummer. It sucks being cheap! My daughter has a play date later near there. I might swing by and see if it could possibly still be there. I'm sure it isn't. What an ass I am! (Sigh again)

The next sale was in a nice neighborhood (errrrrr) but we thought we'd go anyway and although most of the things were as you can expect from a nice neighborhood, priced too steep, I did pick up an old wooden Canada Dry soda crate and it had $5 on it but I got the husband this time who was English and I said (revoltingly sweet and high pitched), "This says $5 but would you take less for it?" To which he replied, "Oh no....." and in that split second my mind raced with, "Look you English son of a bitch, I'm paying with dollars here. Do you realize how weak they are right now, you pompous ass!" But he finished by saying, "Oh no...$5 is much too much. $2 will do." Sorry lovely English chap. I'm an ugly American and I can't help it. Plus, I got up so early, sir. You understand, right? Maybe I can buy some new fuses for my temper at the next sale. They would be my fav of the day for certain!

Short circuiting and crazy, I went to our final sale and there were tons of stuff but all I was drawn to was a very bizarre old painted window where the 'artist' attached finials to the top and then screwed in 3 Plexiglas holders where candles rested. I'm finding I have no other words to express what I feel about this .....sculpture, would you call it? Not sure. All I know is that I'm it's new owner and it should be one hell of a challenge to tag it for the store. Please write in with any suggestions on what to call it.

Ok, on that note, I'm off to a play date. It's with a bunch of girls whose mothers found the traditional Girl Scouts had just too many rules so we formed our own. Sometimes it amazes me that there are more people out there who think like me. OR they could feel sorry for me because both me and my daughter usually have the $1 price tags still dangling off some part of our ensemble. Whatever! It was a huge hit for Minnie Pearl! I don't think the fist time Madonna went out in public with her pasties on she was met with open arms. Life ain't easy for us trend setters!!!

She Ain't Rainin' in Southport!!! (Well, in Northrop's)

From Top to Bottom.........
Red Vintage Lined Basket $26, Yellow Wooden Child's Bench $33, 'Southport' and 'Bald Head' Scrabble Signs $5.50 ea, 2 Yellow Shabby Side Chairs w/ Red Fabric $43 ea, Bud Light Electric Bar Sign $34, 'Cocktails' and 'Sail Away' Scrabble Signs $5.50 ea, Red Shabby Step Stool $19, 1950's Newborn Diaper Caddy $19 and last but certainly not least an Old Cast Iron Bench w/ Costa Rican Coffee Sack Seat $54.

The Nemesis, Fat Feet and a Potentially Deadly Spider Bite

Well, today wasn't a day dreams are made of but it was good. I didn't really have high expectations since there weren't a whole lot of sales so maybe that helped my complacency. Anyway, this is how it went down..........

First up was at Katy's Bar a few blocks from my house. (Incidental, if you want to have a good time Friday nights and want to see damn good Mexican cowboys and rednecks singing karaoke; this is the place for you!!) Anyway, it was mobbed when we got there 15 minutes early which gets both Jane and me all excited but it fizzled this time when the goods were a tad too pricey. I did get a beautiful old cast iron bench, a scrabble game and a Bud Light bar sign that lights up! I was hoping for a bigger kill but you can't have gazelle for dinner every night! Leaving, however, we noticed HE was there! I haven't introduced him yet because HE's hard to ever talk about. Here it goes.......THE NEMESIS.

The Nemesis is a guy who used to be a fireman and got a job working part time at THE antique consignment store in town in the warehouse. He immediately noticed how much money they were getting for their goods and thought he'd try a yard sale or two and make some extra cash. WELL, wouldn't you know he's now their #1 consigner and all the ladies there will tell me is that I wouldn't believe how much he makes and that he no longer slides down the pole (well, for money, or tax dollars- who knows what else he'll do for some bills?!) So, I hate him as you can imagine. Not only due to jealously but because he snaked me one time for a great old crock with a sailboat on it that I of course saw at the consignment store the next week for 100 mother fucking dollars!!! What intrigues us so about him is that every time we see his gray truck, it's usually filled with crap. The consignment store is super picky and I know wouldn't take 90% of the shit he buys so........what's he doing? It's something we're missing. Some junk store gold mine or something. I just don't know. I can't stand the mystery though. We've even seen him at sales before they start and the son of a bitch is helping them set up! Some day we'll get to the bottom of this. Our questions must be answered!!!!

So, with my head wrapped around unlocking HIS secret world, the next few sales were a bust. They would have been a bust even without The Nemesis but I'm still bitter about the crock so I'll blame him for whatever I want! Then we stopped at sale and I got a really cute 1950's baby caddy with little containers for 'swabs', diaper pins, lotion and cotton. Really cute! I also got a pair of flippers and brand new pair of shoes for my daughter that are in a European size (so you know they were expensive) but my little Fred Flintstone says they're too small. I might try to trim her toe nails later and see if i can't wedge those cabbage patch feet into those shoes. Maybe some butter even. Ugh! I want them to fit. Oh well.

The next sale was at a fancy house in a fancy neighborhood so all the roaches were there. Not the insects but the trailer trash (except us, we're classy grubs!). Nothing. Too expensive and too picked through. Normally I would never walk on some one's lawn because I'm ex-pizza delivery but I walked on their lawn. Take that!

After that we stopped at a freestyle and I got a pair of Vans flip flops (that I've already scrubbed down in rubbing alcohol and look great! Fav of the day!!!) and a little bench. When I asked the grandma how much, she asked if 50 cents would be ok. Can't they all be like that? Come to think of it, what the hell was 4' 5" Ruth doing with a pair of size 10 Van's flip flops? So many riddles to crack this morning!!

The next sale was a young couple who obviously never were even AT a yard sale before because they were grossly over priced. T-shirts for $5? Sorry folks. I know you're both fresh out of college and those business courses have taught you a thing or two about marketing but life's going to be your best teacher. Take it from me, Ashton and Ashley, t-shirts at yard sales are at best 50 cents, ok! Kids!

So, after that, I got an adorable old basket with the cutest vintage material that I want to keep so bad but I'm afraid if I bring just one more item in this house, the floors might sink to China. I also got a super cool old tennis racket and the super coolest old preppy carrying case to go with it. I seriously could invite 50 of my closest friends to play a match with me because I can't stop buying the old wooden rackets. I just love them! I'm extra inspired too because I just finished OPEN by Andre Agassi and it was terrific. A must read!

So, with the digital clock in Jane's truck reminding us it's time to head back, we only had time for one more. Well, that was the one prior to this but this other one was so close and we promised each other no lolly gagging so we had to go. All I got was a kid's bench but painted will be great so it was nice to leave on a high note.

Frankly, I could go on more but the spider bite I got last week on my derriere is not feeling so hot and the great old wooden desk chair that I'm sitting on that looks great but isn't that comfy to begin with is now killing my rump! Let's hope it wasn't a brown recluse. If I have to go suddenly, I really hope the story is a lot more exciting than a bite on the arse. Should it be my demise, however, be sure to find a way to keep ALL of my finds for my kids and for the love of god, keep my husband's new wife and her little fat fingers off my vintage post card collection. Whore! Thanks ya'll!

New Items @ Northrop's in Southport, NC

From Left to Right..............
Yellow Plate Rack $29, Nude Signed Sketch (poorly photographed) $65, Large Floral Painting in Yellow Frame $165, 1960's Rolling Rock Chalkware Horse $34, Little Red 1 Drawer Side Table $42, Yellow Armchair w/ Red Bird Fabric $68, Large Creamic Bowl w/ Small Flowers $23, Betty Boop $26, Coke Tray $14, Small Antique Desk $49, Vintage Picnic Basket $23, Yellow Lighthouse for Birds or Plants $32 and Bamboo Drink Table or Plant Stand $18.

One Small Crush, Two Boobies and The Ukrainian

Fiiiinnnnaaaalllllyyyyy!!!!! Yes, yes, YES!!!! Today was amazing!!!! I thought for sure the threat of rain would have me sleeping in but oh no!!!! No siree!!!! Where do I begin? How about the beginning.........So, first up was an address that I was pretty sure was my favorite saler of all time and low and behold it was. This dude has maybe 2 sales a year and he must be a auction freak because he always has soooo much cool shit. He's great on the buying end of the game but no so much with the selling end because his great stuff is really freakin cheap! He reminds me so much of Mike Wolf from American Pickers. He's kind of a hottie too (sorry, Dave, but I think I may fancy him). Well, anyway, at the sale, (note huge grin on my face) I got a huge floral painting that's in a great frame but painted a la 70's so it's a bit cheesy now but a fresh coat of paint on the frame and it's going to be fantastic! Ummm, I also got a side table, blah, blah, and an old mirror with a stupendous frame for my dining room wall of mirrors which I believe I said a few weeks ago was complete but what do you know! I can fit one more!!! And let's see...I also got a Rolling Rock statue with a horse, pretty cool and a weird Betty Boop plastic thing (????) and last but not least a great sketch of a naked (and perky) woman in a nice old frame. I would love to keep her but not sure where I could put her bosom. She'd look great in a bathroom but I think the moisture would damage the paper she's sprawled out on. I might have to keep her to make up for the crush I have on Dreamy Auction Guy. I'll know in about an hour when Hubby reads this. I'm just kidding, silly! (Or am I?)

Ok, I REALLY need to move on now! So, next up was a shit sale in a dry cleaners with nothing but kid's shit that I think they originally got from yard sales. They were unusually happy for that hour and I'm pretty sure are thinking about starting a church. Definitely a possibility. Ok, nothing there.

Next was also a house with nothing but kid's shit and the lady even called us back to look at another room of MORE kid's shit but nada there as well. Moving right along, next was a sale at another business and had really pretty paintings but the 'artist' wanted way too much for them. The one Jane picked up was still wet too and she had to shop the rest of the morning with paint all over her hands; beats some of the other funk we touch, though.

After that was a freestyle that we almost drove past but then I noticed a huge Moroccan inspired hanging lamp shade that will look superb in my daughter's room. The guy was a character too. Every other sentence out of his mouth went from a heavy Slavic language to full blown country. He had to be from the Eastern Block, though. No one except my late eccentric uncle could wear nuggets of gaudy gold around their neck except a foreigner. He also walked with a masculine sashay where he led his weight from his groin area (come on, you know mean). I'm sure he was quite the Rico Suave before he left the Ukraine. Come to think of it, I might have just the Russian friend for him!

Ok, I'll ease up on the Chatty Cathy now and get down to business. The next stop I scored a super awful plate rack that unfortunately I know will sell in a new beachy color. I got a Spider man punching bag for my lunatic son that wrestles down everyone he meets (much to my embarrassment). At another sale I got a great G Love and Special Sauce t-shirt (could be my fav of the day)!!!! Then we went to a freestyle and Jane got a great little dresser that we think would look smashing in a bathroom and I got a desk-ish thing that I could see more with coffee table books in the slot and one opened up on top in someones foyer. Not sure how I can word that when I go to sell it but I'm sure I'll think of something. And at our last stop I got a bedside, small dresser that's kind of masculine looking and I just see it in a navy for a boy's room. No, now I'm already thinking red. You know I loves me some red!!!

So, that's a wrap. I had a great freaking morning. I got stuff to sell and make some money and I got stuff for me and each of the kids even. How am I going to wait for next Saturday now? I want more, daddy! MORE!!!!! Oh well. Guess I'll go play with my fun house wall of mirrors now while wearing my new shirt. Man I live the life!

Warning: Must Drink Coffee Before Reading! Too Boring to Endure Without!

Today's lesson, kids, is about the journey being the destination. Or as Yard Sale Mama would say........this morning freaking sucked! What the hell is going on? I realize some peeps are on vacation but it's slim pickins out there, ya'll! Good news is, I saved money, right? And I got to spend quality time with Jane who's been tied up with family for the last THREE weeks!! I even turned down alcohol last night as I didn't want to break rule #1 in the Yard Saler's Code of Conduct Manual. Damn! What's going on?!

Well, I could never let down my fans (stop laughing!) so the show (or blog) must go on. This is what went down....

Although there were only 9 good sales this morning, 3 were at 6 a.m. Normally I love the early ones because of my 8:30 curfew but I didn't sleep well last night and when my alarm went off, it interrupted my marriage plans to David Byrne, singer for The Talking Heads whom I didn't realize I've ever had deep feelings for but in my dream we were courting and things were looking serious. Not sure how to analyze that one so I'm moving on.

Our first stop I was still so groggy (or love struck) that I felt like I had broken Rule #1. Luckily there wasn't anything to put me in a confusion tizzy. I did get an old bottle that is from Linden, NJ and it had barnacles on it so I thought I might have some stories to tell. (By the way, did you know that barnacles have the largest penises for their size than any other creature? [thanks, Amie for that piece of knowledge]).

Next up were 2 freestyle sales but only a cheesy set of metal salt and pepper shakers were to get me to dig into my wad of singles for exchange. I bought and sold this same set last year so I'm hoping for deja vu. After that was a haze of folks selling kids crap; and I mean crap! One sale had a Dora the Explorer bust that I guess you would put makeup on and style her hair like the Barbie ones of the 70's but this looked more like Dora had been trying to kick heroin but the hold the drug had on her had forced her to spend some nights on a park bench because this Dora had some nappy dread locked hair and a crazed look in her eye and really; does a little girl need makeup? Maybe it's a Latin thing. What? Did I say something offensive?

Ok, so the next sale was probably the highlight of my morning because I got 2 Yankee Candle tarts in my favorite Clean Cotton and the sticker said 2 for 10 cents but she didn't have change of a quarter so I got them for free! That's right, FREE!!!!! Woo hoo!!! After that I got a coffee table book of the Hamptons with some marginally pretty pictures. On a better day I wouldn't have bought it but today was only slightly better than a root canal so now I have yet another coffee table book and don't even have a coffee table. Is anyone still even reading this because I feel like I'm losing the few people who do tune in?

Oh this might wake you guys up........So, we were heading to a sale on my list when we came upon a freestyle. After we turned on the street we noticed it was on the front lawn of a very rusted trailer. You just never know though so we parked. The only thing I liked were these 2 white metal chairs with bright yellow pleather seats. I asked her how much and she said, "Oh no! I just brought these out for us to sit on. These are antique chairs. They go with my antique table that's inside. I could never sell my antiques!" Of course she couldn't. What would that do to her net worth?

Oh, what a morning I had! Somewhere along the way I also got a knitting bag which again would not have made it into Jane's truck if it hadn't been such a blah morning. Hopefully it will force me to accomplish Learn How To Knit that's #4 on my Things To Do In 2010 list. I don't friggin know. To think I turned down wine and Miller Lites for this. Bullshit. Sorry if you're thinking this is 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back. I hear ya! Let's hope next week is better, you know like I'll run over an animal or someone will expose their junk on the side of the road. Yeah, that's a good morning! Next week. Next week'll be better. Next week it is!