Grand slam, bottom of the 9th!

I was beginning to think I was being punished by the yard sale gods for breaking rule #1 but turns out the big saler in the sky makes pardons for Friday night bingers and came through for me in the end.
My first sale was a little rough. Without the proper amount of oxygen to my brain I was having difficulty deciding on an old print in a beautiful frame. They wanted $5 for it but it had weird stains and pictures don't really sell well and I walked around with this fucker for 10 minutes, put it down, stared at it some more, backed up, moved forward, did the hokie pokie and turned myself around, stared some more, then finally the lady came over and said, "How about $1?" Thank god she did. I could very well still be there right now had she not. It's funny how decisions become difficult when you're fighting the urge to dry heave.
So, now I'm in business. I have a fucked up print that I'm stuck with and a dollar the poorer. But at least I got out of there. The next stop was bullshit. They too must have broken rule #1 because they decided not to even wake up to sell their crap.
The next three I wish danced last night with lamp shades on their heads and didn't make me awkwardly walk up to their tables of shit and have to look at a few things out of politeness because they're just standing there smiling but really I just wanted to run, make that bolt, back to my van and wipe the Walmart cooties off my hands.
The next was a church sale and I was pissed because I got there early but there were a bunch of cockroaches already picking through my goodies. One just never knows with church yard sales. Some old bitties will make you wait till 8:00 on the dot and then some will let you in an hour early. Do I go there early and stand around with the other carnies or get some more saling in? The life of the yard sale junkie ain't easy. Anyhow, I bought a picnic basket, a pair of pink flippers for my daughter and the book The Shack. Did anyone read this? I know I saw a lot of people reading it a while back so I bought it but read the back really quickly as I got in the van and all I saw was something about believing in God's existence. Oh boy. Not sure it's for me. It's seems there's a religious theme here today though.
My next stop I bought an old OLD bible stand. It's in a bunch of pieces and I'm not even sure it will assemble anything when I'm done but again my brain ain't right today so it will probably sit in my purgatory garage for a few years until it goes out in my own yard sale some day. I am leaning toward the gods not letting this work out for me because the next sale (my home run with bases loaded!!) I bought a picture of The Lord in the most beautiful frame you could imagine (and you know damn well the Son Of God's getting the boot!). I also got a fucking sweet old glass pickle jar (my fave of the day), an old stool and a really old Scrabble board. That stop made up for all my needless driving earlier and I venture to say, knocked the shakes out of my shands.
On the way home I also got a nice hardcover decorating book and was forced to cough up $2.50 because the little old lady having the sale just got through telling me how she was having such a hard time because her arthritis was so bad in her hands that she was having trouble giving back the change. How could I ask if she'd take a dollar after that speech? Do you believe her? I might go back later and pretend I'm a Jehovah's Witness and see how those hands look then. I bet she could flip me the bird just fine when I try to push one of those damn Watchtowers on her. I like her style though. Gotta make the sale!