Darkness, My Own Addiction and The Hearing Impaired

I really don't remember it so dark saling this time last year. I felt so pathetic out there this morn solo-saling at my first stop making purchases solely by the rays of one landscaping lamp. (Yes, my almost ex-friend, Jane's daughter STILL has soccer games that conflict with our Team YSM! What the f*@%?) It was truly pitch black out there! In fact it was so dark...How dark was it?......It was so dark I bought a painting with not one but two frigging huge gashes in it! Yeah! That dark! How will I ever recover that bill again?! Bullshit!! Well, in all honesty, I did buy it for the really pretty old frame it was in but still! When did we move to Iceland?

So, after my first stop, I was still in a good mood because I had no idea at that point that I had purchased a painting by Edward Scissor Hands so I pulled up to #2 all giddy. At this sale I got a great drop leaf side table that's unusual because it has three sides. (Painted and shabbitized it should be stupendous!) I also got a black hinged thingy that you put frames on if you don't want to hang them. I'd been wanting one of these too and then voila! Thank you, Yard Sale Gods! It's bitter sweet, though, because I got it home and on my mantel where I have a painting from a few weeks ago and I put the two together thinking it would be like when peanut butter first met jelly but now I don't like the way it sits off the ground exposing the base so just as I'm truly trying to minimalize, I definitely think I need to put some wonderful new score in front of it. I just don't believe there's a cure for what I've got. I'm a terminal collector. Please don't send flowers but money to my foundation (preferably small bills).

Back to saling....so, the sales that followed were crap. Literally each sale had one table with maybe ten things on them. Did they need $10 THAT badly? (And by $10 I'm pushing it!) It was still so darn dark, though, that my stops couldn't be drive-bys. I was forced to get out of my warm van only to be let down by their display of bad Walmart purchases. I was just too cold to force my usual polite browse, however. The up side to the darkness is that no one can identify the strange lady who bolts in and out of their driveways.

Unfortunately I had half an hour to kill before my 8 o'clockers. I went to a church anyway hoping they might let us in early. Not a chance. So there I was on line with the freaks. One old man had on THE brightest polyester red pants (and white patten leather shoes) I have ever seen! (His equipment had to be cold as hell!) Another old lady kept motioning her arms like she was landing a plane. Maybe she had arthritis and now I'm going deeper into hell but I just wanted to tackle her and make her stop. Then some crazy looking lady with weird hair and an even weirder accent started to talk to me. She was saying the normal stuff you say when you engage in small talk but the volume with which she was engaging really set her off on my crazy meter. Even Iced Nuts and the lady doing the Y-M-C-A dance were looking at us. I tried to speak softly to compensate but I just wasn't convinced I wasn't setting off their crazy meter as well. All I kept thinking about was the time I got a tad tipsy at a bachelor auction fundraiser and I decided to talk to the mayor about my very strong opinions about our local politics and I thought I made some fantastic, poignant points about the future of our beloved city but as it turns out, Jane was there and was concerned that I was getting a cold because CLEARLY my ears were clogged because I was screaming at the poor man. Why was I doing that? And the better question is, why didn't Jane intervene? Isn't that what friends are for? And ironically, you'll never guess who was feeding me all that damn champagne.....a local attorney! Not only did he generously dole out bubbly but little tins with mints and his number on them! Isn't that entrapment?! I NEED TO TALK TO THE MAYOR!!!!!!!

I can't stop laughing.....where the hell was I? Ummm....Oh! The church! So finally they let us in and it was amazing!!!! So much stuff!! I got a great old step stool that's a chair (you know the ones) in my favorite color red, I got a magazine rack for my daughter, another magazine rack that's wall mounted (should be great when it's shabbitzed [in the future, please insert jazz hands whenever I say the word 'shabbitized', ok?]), and lastly I got yet another vintage red felt elf. I just frigging LOVE them! Not much else these days can put a smile on your face for 5 cents! What can I say? I'm a cheap date!

So that about wraps it up. Not a day for the history books but sometimes, folks, the journey is the destination. I spent $9.05 and was thoroughly entertained! And hell, I got some great parting gifts to boot! Oh the life of a saler! Now I must attend to my mantel. There has to be SOMETHING in this house I can use! If not there's always next week..........

Homelessness, Cryogenics and Possible Arson

Holy hell.......when did it get so friggin cold?! I had no idea it was time to bust out my homeless person gloves already. I'm not sure if I shared this story already but last Christmas I asked for a pair of gloves with exposed fingertips and my darling husband bought me a regular pair of knit gloves from Walmart and cut the fingers off. They immediately began to fray to which hubby offered to burn the ends (while they were still on my hands!). I declined and now when I wear them I look as though I had a good Friday night in the park begging for money and now I can afford to yard sale like the rest of high society. I think it's payback for when I told him to grow his hair out and I kept telling him that although it was bushy and in that slightly awkward stage that it looked just fine. It didn't. He looked like a big red Chia Pet. Sometimes a girl just needs a chuckle. OK, back to saling....

As I said, it was a tad chilly. I kept expecting to see Walt Disney's frozen corpse at one of my stops but I don't think he's ready to thaw just yet. I'm not sure he'd want to come back to life now anyway and discover that his fellow Americans are so fat that we're sinking his boats in 'It's a Small World'. (True story. We really are.) Wow. I'm all over the place this morning. Could someone please get me some decent gloves and a prescription for Ritalin this Christmas? So where was I.....? Saling! That's right, I'm writing a yard sale blog.....

So, despite the cold and darkness I set sale this morning. First up was at a church and I thought it would be great but what little they had was waaaaay over priced! It sucked too because my next stop didn't start for 25 more minutes so I had to walk the 2 aisles over and over and over. If I'd had my gloves on I'm sure the gals running the show would have thought I'd come in for the warmth. Oh well. Strike one.

Next was a k.c. (kid's crap). Out of boredom I did buy a new Sponge Bob sippy cup for my special son who still can't drink out of a cup. It was so dark out still that I paid 50 cents for it and then got in my van and noticed the sticker said 25 cents. You know that move is going to throw my whole day off!!! Kills me!

Next up was more k.c. and a drive by at that! With too much time before 8, I decided to hit a few in a neighborhood a bit out of my loop. I scored a hideous metal wire shelf that I'm thinking will paint and shabbitize nicely but I don't know. I think I just wanted to buy something. Leaving there I saw a sign for a freestyle but the man was still setting up so he told me to come back. After that I hit another freestyle and got a fantastic metal carousel that I haven't a clue what should go in it but painted will be AMAZING!!! I don't really think it's my decor but someone is going to shit when they see this thing! Good score! Fav of the day!!

After that I went back to Freestyle I and a got a nice table, a mirror and a metal boat! That little roll got me in the mood! After that I went to a street that had 3 sales!! I got a nice copper salt and pepper set, a measuring set on a wooden stand (screaming to be scabbitized!!), a bowl from an old mixer (for Mama!), a brush set for my daughter (whose knots are so bad she broke her last brush and coined her the nickname, Bob Molly), and lastly an old metal tray with an Asian scene that I bought with none other than Mrs. Linton in mind. Who is Mrs. Linton you ask? I don't know because I never met the woman but I did rent her beau-ti-ful house last weekend in Black Mountain, NC for a wedding and she had all these amazing Asian antiques and I admired them so much and frankly wanted to steal them but I controlled myself and then 2 days after we left the house on the crest of the mountain with the stunning views, it burned to the ground. To the ground!!!! Isn't that awful?!!! Forensics were there yesterday and I'm hoping to god it was nothing we did but either way! How insane! None-the-less, now I have an Asian tin tray that will always remind me of dear old Mrs. Linton's gorgeous home. Crazy right?

So, after that I was pressed for time and could only stop at a few more. They were complete crap but I did get a wonderful old typewriter that I've been wanting for years. It will go great in my 'World Traveler' room. Now I can add author to the many accomplishments of my fictitious Renaissance Man that I'm staging in my front living room. I'm such a loser! Speaking of which, I just read a book called 'Clutter's Last Stand' because really, I'm trying! But anyway one of the things it said was, "Do the majority of people who enter your home for the first time say it's....er.....interesting?" Son of a bitch they do!!!! Damn it! Can you add therapy to my Christmas list too? That one's going to cost you. You might want to make it a Christmas/birthday combo.

Pushy Boy Scouts, Dead Beat Soccer Dudes and My Big Fat Ass

How is it possible that I went to my first 6 sales this morning without buying a single thing? And 2 of them were churches?! I thought Jane put some sort of hex on me because she could not participate in the games. Perhaps she did but her voodoo wore off by the time I hit lucky number 7. Not that it was great but it put me back in the game. I got a nice old glass and metal outdoor coffee table and a rusted scrolly wire hanging planter. (It looks better than it sounds).

Next up was a fundraiser for a boy scout troop. It's amazing I got anything because all the little people were getting bored and so resorting back to their old toys and it was complete pandemonium of scooter riding, pogo bouncing, lacrosse, and a lot of, "Mommy, mommy! Can I have little Jimmy's (such and such)? It's only a dollar?" I really just wanted to turn around (since I just got back from a week in Myrtle Beach with my own little beggars) but I persevered and scored a great sturdy wicker table (always a good re-seller), a beautiful painting of a barn scene, a great frame with glass and lastly a Cooking Mama Cookoff Wii game that I really didn't even want but those 5 little lads had a lot more energy than I did and wouldn't take no for an answer. The one little weasel even said that he still loves to play it. Yeah right! I'm so sure that in between boy scouts and soccer and general boys-will-be-boys rough housing, I just know you rush home for a swell game of Cooking Mama Cookoff! Little shit! Incidentally my very grateful little angels have already come in here to tell me how much the game sucks. Great. I think they said the fundraiser was for a paintball tournament. I've been meaning to take that sport up anyway. Little Jimmy's going down!!!!!!

After that I hit a sale for a men's soccer team or something. That seemed like a really weird organization to host a fundraiser because really, if you can't afford the high expenses of playing soccer every Saturday morning for 2 months then maybe you should take the shin guards off and get a second job or possibly a first in some cases. Well, I enabled one of the losers with Peter Pan Syndrome because I just couldn't walk away from a cheap wooden hanging swing. I mean that literally too. The last one I had, my neighbor and I sat on it and we fell right to the ground cushioned only by wood slats in our tail bones. Come to think of it, my friend and I also took down my hammock in a similar act of grace. Sucks when the common denominator is my fat arse! I think this new one will be a 'show swing' like Aunt Ethel's holiday towels. Look, I have a low live oak branch that's at a perfect horizontal level. It's just screaming for a swing! A hundred years ago when she was just a sapling she didn't know her cohabitators were going to biggie size everything. It would be unjust not to accessorize nature's beauty! (You buying this crap?) Well, I did. So looks like I better get painting!!!!

By the way, The Yard Sale Mama is having her own yard sale tomorrow @ 8! I have a really great Wii game for you, my friend! (Just don't be tempted to sit on my new swing)!

Huey Lewis, Geriatric Salespeople and Mutations

So, some of you may know that earlier in the week we discovered that our kitchen wall was riddled with mold from a leaking 100 year old pipe. In the few days it took for the insurance company to get back to us and tell us that it would be covered under our policy, I did not sleep A WINK! Ironically, the kitchen is the one room in the house we've completely gutted and redone from the studs. Now, that's exactly what must be done AGAIN! Kind of makes me want to kick out a pipe in the bathroom. Think they'll suspect any foul play? Anyway, I'm mentioning this to you because today was the day, apparently, that my body wanted to catch up on zzz's. And of all the songs to blare out of the alarm clock and remind me of the fact that it wasn't going to happen on this fine morning.....'It's Hip to Be Square!' Screw you, Huey Lewis! You know that s.o.b. is sleeping in with his quest for a new drug and all. Damn you, Huey!! Don't you know no News is good news!!!!! (Ha ha! Good one, Chrissy!)

Ok, so I woke up (albeit with that frigging song in my head...STILL!) and met Jane for saling. Our list, aka 'The Route' was pretty crappy. The first one was at a church a few blocks away and in years past this has been a great one. It was a 6 o'clocker too so we were excited to start with a bang. That is until we saw The Nemesis LEAVING the sale with a bunch of shit in the back of his truck! The guy's a fucking ninja! How does he do it?! Of course we got there and there's shit left. To boot there's a guy with the loudest voice of all time cracking on Jane's lead foot. He just keep talking and laughing but we literally walked away. Then I asked someone about a table and wouldn't you know it's The Voice of God's and he said he was hoping to get $150 for this hideous table and mirror that he claims to have paid $800 for then said that he's in 'the renovations' business (ok, drill gun engineer!) and that's why he had all this stuff. So, which is it? Did you pay 8 bills for this or did you heist it off your last job site? Either way I was only a player at about $25 so we left while he was still talking.....loudly.

When I plotted the route last night, I had assumed that that sale would have taken us longer. It was only 6:40 and the next sales were 7 o'clockers. We went to them anyway but they weren't even set up yet. Three later we finally got to one but it was crap. Then we went to our 7:30 one in a fancy neighborhood (even though it was only 7) and there were a ton of people there already!! And what was there already had sold stickers on them!!! Huh? I did get a frame that I believe will work with a nice watercolor from a few sales ago but what the hell! The lady of the house (in her 60's) was one hell of a sales person too. Usually that irks me but her I loved. I think my husband the car manager should go back and hire her. If she could sell a Hyundai like she sold Jane a beat up bar stool.....I think we could be her fancy neighborhood neighbors! Of course then she would be able to move to the water (which would be ok, really; don't think I could live next to her). She'd send me to the poor house too every time her grand kids had a school fundraiser!

So, after that, we hit a freestyle and I got a great trunk (well, great on a day when the bar is low). I also wanted a really cute needlepoint of a cabin but she wanted $3 for it and I really couldn't fork out that kind of dough. It was a dollar item all day long. It needed a new frame and it was in an oval matte so you know it was discolored underneath and I just couldn't do it. The lady wouldn't budge either! I did the right thing by walking away (with my new trunk) but hell if I'm not obsessed with the damn thing now! Must....Let......Go!!!!!

So, we leave there and are about to hit our 8 o'clockers when we see the craziest thing ever (well, the guy shitting in the driveway that time while giving us full eye contact was pretty great too!). But we saw a guy riding a bike and his friend on the handlebars....normal, right? Oh no! These were 2 of the ugliest guys EVER!!!!! In fact the handlebar mutant was so ugly that Jane swore he had to be a dummy. There is some credibility to that theory since he did have a STRIKING resemblance to Alfred E. Newman but I have to think he was real! And to make it even crazier, they were laughing away! Happy as hell to be peddling a bike at 8 in the morning on a Saturday! Then again, it's not like they had dates last night that kept them up late. If my husband ever figures out his new 'easy to use' Flip Video I definitely HAVE to start capturing some of this shit! Did I mention how WHITE he was?! My word!!!

I swear we should have just called it a day after that! Or at least driven around the corner to see it again! But we didn't. We went to a bunch more shit sales. Shouldn't people be rejoicing in the fact that it's finally dropped below 90 and cleaning out their houses? Why such an off day? Maybe The Nemesis got to all our sales right before we did. Maybe that's why The Beastly Bike Boys were laughing! Oh man! I have to take a new look at my life when the short bus kids are laughing at ME! Nah. They were laughing at Jane. Definitely Jane!

JUST IN FOR FALL!!!!!!

Please come on out to the Pelican's Roost on Carolina Beach Road to get these items!

From left to right......
A Blue 'Half' Accent Table, $37; Four Red Jars w Lids in a Caddy, $29; a Shabby Old Yellow Toy Box, $49; an Antique White Shabby 'Bow' Shelf, $30; a Blue Men's Vintage Folding Jewelry Box, $33; a FANTASTIC Island Scene Watercolor in Very Old Camel Colored Frame with Lead Glass, $140; and this must have Aqua Blue Child's Desk and Chair Set, $70.

Please help me make room! I have so much more!!!!!

Elves, Dead Cattle and Bob

Well, I got a late night text from Jane (who I assume was breaking Rule #1 [tsk tsk]) saying that she couldn't make it this morning. Solo again! I'm kind of glad she wasn't with me because it was a different kind of day. Not bad...just different. I think it was because there were so few 7 o'clockers and a lot more freestyles. This gave me more time to sit back in the van and sing along with the radio which miraculously was coming in even though I was vandalized in Myrtle Beach (6 months ago) and the thug sons of bitches stole not only my antenna but the guts of it underneath the hood. This would require me to bring it in to Toyota and spend way too much money and I refuse to give Toyota a penny more than they have already sucked from me. The van's also a lease so in 5 more months I can give the beat up piece of shit back. I hope they don't think it will be in perfect condition. What do they expect a 5 year old minivan to look like? I can't be the only one who's given one back with chocolate milk stains on the ceiling! Ok, sorry about the rant. Back to business......

So! Since I only had four 7's on my route I figured I'd go to the furthest one 1st. When I pulled up I wanted to weep due to all the kids shit but for some reason I got out of the van. I politely scanned their 'should go to goodwill' crap and was about to leave when I saw a vintage leather jacket hanging amongst infant Halloween costumes. I tried the sucker on and although it was a tad tight around the boobulas, it fit like a glove! I freaking love it!!!!! When I got home I noticed it's reversible too! Suede on one side and leather on the other. Seriously it might be my favorite jacket I've ever owned AND IT WAS ONLY 3 CLAMS!!!!! Man oh man, what a score!!!!! I does smell, well, leathery. I hope I can get past that. Maybe someday NASA can figure out a way to neutralize that decaying cow flesh odor. Steaks don't even smell that bad! I tell you what though, I was in Morocco years ago and some pesky kid wanted to be our guide and although we said no he persisted and when we did the math we realized it was less than a dollar so we gave in. Anyway, one of his 'must see' spots was a leather dying facility on a roof and when I tell you it stunk like nothing I have even endured before or since, I still am not conveying to you how badly it stunk!!!! The kid gave us mint leaves to stuff up our noses but it only made it smell like dead fish were in a mojito. Sweet Mother of God I will never forget that smell. maybe that's why I'm not the biggest lover of leather. Oh well. My new jacket is just too damn snazzy!!! If I'm lucky I'll have colds all winter and me and my buggery anti-odor blocker can sport my new digs like a rock star!!! Have I really only gotten to my first item?? Not to worry, my day was like a Subway sandwich: not too much meat between the bun.

So, yeah, after scoring the jacket I drove around to a bunch of nothing sales. Literally the whole 7 o'clock hour was nothing more than a tour of central Wilmington. Then, when the clock struck 8, I went to a sale and got a half table and a set of jars that will both paint and shabbitize nicely.
After that I hit a friend's mother-in-law's sale and got an old Atlas jar with lid, 3 old felt elves (which of course I collect) and an old Christmas stocking (really, I just love vintage Christmas shit!!!) My 8 o'clockers were turning out to be alright! I also got an incredible 3 tiered table with trefoils on the sides, an old chair with beautiful dark wood and lastly but certainly not leastly, a biography on Bob Marley!!! With pictures!!!!
Jane, you missed another great day! I hope the spirits were worth it last night! Well, I've got to go get this dead cow out of my bedroom. I keep looking back and I swear I see that cartoon white fog coming from my score and aiming for my nose. I have a surprising urge for french fries too. Gonna be an interesting fall!!

Englishtown, Gifts from The Divine and Illegal Tortoise Trade

I really don't even know where to begin this morning. I haven't written in 2 weeks because I went to The Motherland (New Jersey [exit 117]) last weekend for a wedding but really because I wanted to go to the spegtacala (Long Island for spectacular)Englishtown Auction, the holiest of holy lands! I've been going to this flea market since I was single digits with my dad. We'd go at 5:30 a.m. with flashlights like some archaeologists on a quest for the missing link. My dad would get some tool or tool part and always another pair of work jeans or a pair of sneakers for a dollar. I would get imitation Cabbage Patch Kids accessories and maybe a Benetton shirt or Camp Beverly Hills depending on the year. Neither were the real deal but I rocked them like I was on the cover of Seventeen Magazine! Anyway, I wanted to write about my trip last week, kind of a special edition like when the Bradys went to Hawaii but my modem has been down and I've been unable to hit the world wide web. I've posted pics of the loot and a few afters but I'm afraid that's all I can do. One must move on.........
So, today.....
When did it get so dark at 6:30 a.m? Jane couldn't accompany me this morn because her man had to go away for work. It was pretty creepy going out to sales alone and vulnerable in the black abyss with cash in my pocket. Well, I thought that for about 5 seconds then I got over it and got excited to begin my adventure.
The first sale looked ok from the street then was shit up close. When I left, however, there was a sign for a freestyle right around the corner! Mother of God was it awesome!!! I got an old metal glider (for $5!!!!!!!!!!!!), not 1 but 2 gorgeous oak tables and a great old frame WITH the glass that I already put up against a watercolor of a harbor that's currently in a way cheesy 80's metal frame and I think it will be smashing when the two finds collide. Man, what have I done to please the Yard Sale Gods like this?! I do try to always do the right thing but this is too much!!! You're spoiling me!!!!
OK, out of the clouds and back on land, it was only 7:02 and I already had to dump the goods!!!!! I was so excited I could barely keep from shouting!!! In fact I did a duet with Allison Krauss on the radio and I really think we killed it! I hope she doesn't ask me to go on tour with her. How would I hit the sales in the mornings with a rock star lifestyle? Not to mention the price hikes when the fans realize who I am. Sorry, Allison, you'll have to stick with Robert Plant for the duets. I can only spread myself so thin!
Back to saling.....so, I went back home and started fresh with a clean(ish) van. That was when my sails began to luff. The next few sales were crap. I had a slight gust when I scored an authentic tortoise shell (are they even legal anymore?), a metal 'M' and a 'D' in red (for my daughter and husband) and a great old pillow that already spices up my living room!
Then, back to more shit sales.
I was so excited though, when I got to a church sale and The Nemesis was right behind me but I beat him there and had the edge but they wouldn't let us in before 8 and when I peaked in it looked like a lot of kids clothes. Damn you, Nemesis!!! Next time!!!!
So, on to the next sale.
There I got a huge box of corks for 50 cents and a......umm.....an........umm......well, I'm not sure what it is. I first thought it was a folding tv tray. Then, I thought it was a folding jewelry box. Now, I think it definitely folds and it's for whatever the fuck you want. Not sure I can write that on a tag but I'll hit the thesaurus and see what I come up with.
Meanwhile, during that sale, it started to rain. A wee drizzle but rain none-the-less. Usually this just means folks give the stuff away but it seemed this morning they just packed up and went back to bed.
There was one last sale around the corner from my house and I bought a pair of peacock feather earrings that I know will infect my ears but I saw a girl at a sale earlier with a pair and they looked great on her. The lady that made them claimed that they're silver plated but she might just be referring to the color not the metal. For a buck, I'll give it a go!!!
So, that wraps up my morning. Another terrific week. Hard to top Englishtown but hey, what could? What the hell could?????

I know fans of YSM were simply devastated last weekend when Mama was nowhere to be found. That's because I was up in The Garden State at beautiful Englishtown Auction, my favorite place on planet earth!!!
Ok, down to business, you can find these items at Northrop's Antiques Mall in Southport, NC...... (sorry, the fan has already sold!)
A Blue Ship's Wheel Wine Rack, $34; a Two Tiered Pie Crust Table in Camel (thanks, Suzanne for the description) $119; a Vintage Red and Blue School desk, $59; a Metal Tea & Coffee Bin, $22; a Shabby Yellow Two Tired Compote, $24; a Antique White Shabby Oval Table w Drawer, $129; a Green Hull Pedestal Vase $17; a Celedon Green Vintage Floral Vase, $29; and a Red Shabby Pie Cabinet, $59. Tune in tomorrow for more fabulous finds and adventures!!!!

Now featuring at The Pelican's Roost............
Carolina Washboard $24; Yellow Metal Sun $26; 1950's Eskimo Metal Fan $33; and a Golden Yellow Shabby Table $39.

You know you need this Antique White Shabby Quilt Rack and this Greecian Blue Two Tiered End Table. They'll be at Ivy Cottage on Market Street if ya can't live without 'em!!!