Saturday Morning Driving, The Disabled and My Own Revelations

Today sucked.

My route was crazy because there were literally 2 houses on the same street but one was at 7 and one was at 8. I went from downtown to Monkey Junction twice. I felt like all morning I was doing figure eights all over town while a stream of my gas and money was trailing behind. Once again my ex-friend Jane bailed because it was too cold. Waaaa! I hate when she's right. It was not only freezing it was the morning from frozen hell.

My first stop was at a church so I got there early but all that was there was toddler crap (and the sale wasn't even inside!!!). Next up was all the way downtown but when I got there it was nothing but racks of clothes. For some reason I didn't pull away and I'm honestly glad I didn't. It was all new clothes donated by a store that was going out of business and they donated their stuff to raise money for Leukemia. I got two really funky shirts that I can't wait to don! I left there feeling pretty good about my morning and then it went down hill.......

So, from there, I drove all the way in the opposite direction to a church (again not inside!!!!) but they had absolutely nothing. I did get a pillow but only for the stuffing that I want to make some more coffee sack pillows. The lady taking my money looked at me funny for buying such an ugly, stained pillow and I thought of disclosing my artistic side but sometimes it's more fun to stay in character as the homeless woman. I even told her to have a blessed day. That had me giggling.

Next up was crap followed by two more sales that escalated in crapiness. After that I finally had a reason to bust out some bills but only for a little cabinet I'll have to paint. Sort of wish I never bothered.

Then, I was excited to go back to last week's house where I got the great magazine table (but didn't get the bench that will forever haunt me) but this week, supposedly she was going to let us rummage the contents of her upstairs. Not quite. It was mostly last week's left overs. I did get a nice old crackly mirror but none the less, I left a tad bummed.

So, after that I went back to a neighborhood I had already been only to walk away with nada. Then I went to a sale that didn't exist followed by another who just didn't feel like getting up this morning and on to another who should have followed their lead because they had seriously nothing anyone would ever buy. What makes this sale stand out, however, was that there was a man in a wheelchair there and when I walked up the driveway he leaned forward and stared me down. I'm not talking a slightly impolite stare I'm talking a puma about to pounce on his deer. I kept walking up their driveway but he never took his eyes off me. Just when I got to their display of 'take-me-to-the-salvation-army-quickly!', the man lifted his one leg strait in the air and as a result, his wheelchair went flying down the very steep driveway. I gasped in horror but that was all I was able to do. When he got to the street, he put his foot down and skidded safely to a stop. When he turned around, however, his eyes were still fixated on me but he had an ever so slight grin on his face. I looked at the lady having this fine sale with a look of 'what the hell' and she just flicked her wrist and said, "oh he does that to get a rise out of people". A rise out of people!!!!!!! I damn near soiled myself! And although for the next few minutes I kept thinking what a crazy scene I had just witnessed, it wasn't until I was in my car that I realized I did nothing when a man in a wheelchair nearly plummeted to his demise! I better person should have lept out in front of him and thrown themselves in front of his chair! No wonder I got nothing today. I have bad karma!!!! I need to make this right! I can't be driving around another Saturday with no good finds in my van! I need to sing to orphans or cook for the elderly but I can't even do either of those! How will I ever find a real McCoy again? Will there be no more vintage kitchen items in red? I was feeling so down on myself for being such a thorn to my community but then I remembered I gave $2 to help Leukemia earlier! I'm not a thorn but a bud waiting to blossom. This community needs me and my painted treasures I offer up every week. I give, god damn it! I give! And wouldn't you know my next sale I got my fav of the day......an awesome old oak school desk that's already painted!!!!!!! And not just painted but painted really well in a blue and yellow plaid that's sure to fetch some bills!!!!! The yard sale gods might test but in the end they believe in me and from this day forward I shall not only continue but persevere and nothing, not even the disabled, shall stop me from giving! Thank you, oh divine ones! I'll make you proud!

A Date with the Overdressed, a Land of Tires and a Good Role Model for Today's Youth

Knowing it was a holiday weekend, knowing there were only a few sales advertised, knowing it rained all day yesterday, knowing that a crazy cold front had come in and turned our balmy Carolinas into a wintery hell, I still could not take a Saturday off. I think I would spontaneously combust if I ever sat out a saling adventure. I just have to! Jane (who's lost that lovin' feelin') stayed home and spent time with her family. Whatever! Not I. I actually hopped in that freezing van with my mother-in-law in tow and hit the high seas! How's that for quality family time?!

Surprisingly, we got to the first sale just as the lady was opening her garage. We got quite the look of detest as she saw us pulling up 10 minutes early. Luckily there was a sale a few blocks away so we thought it best if we give our non-morning girl a few minutes to set up. The other sale wasn't much but I did get my boy a Spiderman puzzle that wasn't even opened yet! My Christmas shopping is going much too well so early in the game! After that we went back to the Evil Eye but she had nothing but crap anyway. Or did she? Maybe she was just waiting for us pull away. I blame my mother-in-law for this (as I often do for everything) because she got waaay to dressed up for our morning out complete with zebra scarf and high heeled boots! How are we supposed to make the people feel sorry for us when I bring the Housewives of New Jersey with me? Beginners!

Next up was an inside/outside sale! Loooove these! Unfortunately these usually mean that a loved one has passed but I'm sure they have furniture stores in heaven. Honestly, most of the individuals who have 'gone-to-a-greater-place' are going to be tickled that they can score some new surroundings. I don't want to be struck by lightening or anything but what loads of shit people carry with them into their golden years! This sale (among other crap) had at least 15 truck tires for sale. How does that happen? Sure I might collect old rolling pins and some might find that weird but at least they're pretty and don't take up much room. These were 15 odd tires in an array of shapes (ok, maybe not shapes; round has proven to be the standard when it comes to tires) but an array of sizes. Wait a minute. Come to think of it, they would have made some good tire swings. Could have fit all the kids on my block with one of those bad boys! Darn it! I'll have to get one at the next sale with multiple truck tires. I did get a large have-a-heart-trap to protect my chickens from raccoons and possum and the like. And also I got a large metal cart if ever I am to hunt the flea markets again. I think such a purchase has put me into the category as one of THEM but I can mask my destiny no longer. I've got the tattoos. It was either carnie or Saturday morning junker and at least this keeps me home with my family. I wonder if there are any spots open at my kid's career day........."First kids, never get too intoxicated the night before you go saling. It messes with your game. Next, always jew down the prices. People really just want more room in their garages for next year's collection of stuff to be brought out for another yard sale. Next, kids and most importantly, always dress like you're homeless. It helps in the jewing down process. Any questions"? Oh I see prom king and queen in their future!!!! Hell, people only wear those outfits once. You know I can score a good deal! Aren't puffy sleeves coming back in style anyway?

Ok, back to saling and away from potential Linda Evans look-a-likes.........so the next sale I got my boy a really cute American flag sweater. It's too big and I know he'll never wear it because it doesn't have a cartoon character on it but I love all things flag so I'll be happy to put his clothes away beside it all season long. Maybe if I tell him it will make him an American hero like Superman he might sport it. Wish me luck!

The next sale was also an inside/outside sale (may they rest in peace)! We got there 20 minutes early and they made us wait every bit of it. When we were finally unleashed inside there were no price tags on anything. Such torture! I ran right to a great bench but how long was I to linger by it when I knew that there were so many other treasures yet to be explored! I finally got the lady's attention and she said the bench was $20. That was a great price but that would have taken all of my money so I had to walk away from the booty. That is a decision that is still haunting me so I must move on. I did walk out of there with a stupendous magazine table (at least that's what I think it is), a great Caribbean-esque painting, a small step stool and a little treasure chest. Ooooh? Should I have gotten the bench? Thing is, it would have been something I would sell and it's more of a spring seller so I do believe that I made the right call but................oooohh..........eeeerrrr.........ahhhhh.............did I? Sigh.

It only makes my brain struggle worse because the next sale was a bust and the last sale all I got was a bread box so really I could have gone into my best homeless routine and gotten all of my finds in one swoop. Oh such a life I lead! The pressure could drive me to drink. Just not on a Friday night!!!!!!

Belly Dancing, a Fecal Joy Ride and Next Year's Action Figures

Today was THE SHIT!!!!!!!! Totally the shit!!!!! Unfortunately I mean that literally. Last sale of the day I not only stepped in dog shit, I slid across a home owner's driveway in it. To boot, as I started to write this entry I could still smell my fecal surprise and realized it had gotten on the cuff of my pants. When I asked the Yard Sale Gods last week for an offering for my birthday weekend I was not expecting pet waste. Very funny Oh-Divine-Ones! At least I know when I go up to shabbitize heaven there'll be some knee slappin'! I want to write more but I fear for next week. I shan't upset thy spirits!

Ok, so I painfully got up at the butt crack of dawn and headed to sale #1. It was a church sale so I had to beat the freaks. I rushed there with my windows still dripping with condensation from leaving them open last night but I know better than to wipe the insides and leave droplet marks only to reappear when the sun later shines in and renders you blinded heading into oncoming traffic. Been there. Done that. Not this time. So, I'm off to the church with my head out the window like a beagle in 36 degrees because I must get there first and then I see it. Technically, yes, it was in fact at a church but it was one lady with one table of no longer needed infant crap. Obviously it was a drive by but in my cold, tired and pissy state, a little bubble appeared above my head and I thought, "wouldn't it be great if it was a drivethrough!" There'd be baby bjorns and those little blue snot suckers everywhere!!! Oh to do it just once! Just once!

Well, I didn't, so on I went to the second sale. This one was in the almost forbidden Pine Valley. Not only does Ol' P.V. have crazy winding streets that get me lost every time but all the streets are named after confederate generals and after a few wrong turns one begins to think that Robert E. Lee Drive could actually win this war. Not the case today though. I escaped unscathed. I even hit a freestyle and scored a super cute Superman bike for my boy for Christmas. I bought it from THE cutest little old man too. He even offered to carry it to my van with his little shuffle. Oh, how I wish I could swipe him up and bring him to Thanksgiving dinner! I just love little old men! Just call me Anna Nicole!

The other two sales in the dreaded P.V. were crap. We'll just chalk those up to a navigational confidence builder. I did see The Nemesis, however. And wouldn't you know that rat bastard had all kinds of chairs protruding from his truck. He must be stopped! He's turning me into Lex Luther! I want to be the superhero! I want superpowers!!!!! I wonder if I rip his shirt off if he's clad in latex with a giant J for Junkman? Now I can look forward to buying a Junkman action figure at next year's yard sales. I guess he would be more marketable than a YSM doll complete with fraying homeless person gloves. Why is it always Junkman, Junkman, Junkman?!!!!! Ugh!!! I'll get you yet!

Moving on........... I then went to a sale at a preschool (never a good sign) but I did get a painting of Psychiatry books and when I took the masking tape price tag off it left goo on it and tipped my buyer's remorse scale to a frightening degree. Psychiatry books? Really, Chrissy? Who is going to buy such art? Maybe I can use it to barter when I finally accept I need therapy. There ya go. There's a plan. Ugh.

So, after that I hit a freestyle but not just any freestyle. It was a pull-all-my-crap-out-of-a-U-haul freestyle! Oh Nellie do I love these!!! The freaky long, grey haired dude couldn't pull his crap out fast enough for me. I could see some dark wood but I just couldn't make out what they formed. Turned out to be two great solid chairs beyond perfect for the shabitization process. I'm trying to stay away from yet some more chairs but these were worth breaking the rules for. A lovely score indeed!

The next sale I bought some more action figures for my son for Christmas (no, no Junkman) but what really made the score great was that it was a mom who was having the sale and her son was home from college and she won't sell his toys without waking him up so she got him out of bed and he proceeded to tell me what all of their names were and what all the accessories were for. He was great! It was like Andy in Toy Story 3! So cute!

After that I got my baby a pair of much needed jeans even though his high waters are almost at the point of being those cool-kid long shorts so we'll see after his next growth spurt if they were really that great a score.

And then came the shit. So, I was so excited because my last sale had tons of girlie girl dresses hanging down from their porch. Unfortunately there seemed to be a wide range of sizes so I had to step into their bushes a bit to see the tags up close and that's when it happened. I didn't know I had stepped into a canine land mine until I hit their sloping pavement. I didn't know what the hell happened! It was literally like I stepped on a skateboard complete with flailing arms and eyes aghast. The homeowner apologized but I just 'poo pooed' it off like that always happens at yard sales. I tried to be polite and twist in her grass hoping to dislodge some of the doggie defecation but to no avail. Since I was mortified to get into my van with the excrement I continued to walk her 3 tables over and over. I'm lucky I did too because I found my daughter a pair of Christmas Pajamas which she needs by next week when she'll be on a float for the Christmas parade, I also got her an adorable red wool(like) pea coat and last but my fav of the day....da da dah.......a 'Learn how to Belly Dance for your Husband' album by none other than Sonny Lester (whoever he is). Not only is the vinyl in perfect condition but it has instuctions!!!!! INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!! You test me, Yard Sale Gods but you also grant me this token. I'm forever your disciple! When you chose to take me I will rejoice. Not only that, I shall do a titillating dance!!!! Hallelujah!!!! I've seen the light!

Please Shop @ Northrop's. Santa Has Some Credit Card Debt

Russian Delights, The Antique 80's and a Yearning for an Indian Girl

I'm sure Jane will be delighted (her daughter had yet another 7:30am soccer game and could not go hunting) as today was no great victory for Team YSM. I guess after last week I was expecting another packed van of goodies but no. I never even had to lift the hatch to the back of the van. (Sigh!)

My first stop was a 6:30 sale (which I love because seriously, what other freak is up that early?) but this one was a let down. The gal had a great old secretary desk but she wanted $75 for it. I would have paid maybe $30 so to the next stop I went.

This one was at a church but it was only 3 tables of Christmas stuff. I thoroughly looked through all the bins for vintage ornaments and such but all I left with was a set of 4 Santa Matryoshka dolls. Most would just call them nesting dolls but one of the random people I met while backpacking the Czech Republic in my former life was an American girl of Russian descent who insisted we trek through many a shops to score some of these early wooden weeble wobble prototypes because Prague was the closest she was going to get to her native land on this trip. I honestly can't remember if we ever made the score but I do remember she also insisted that we go see the Infant of Prague which, being a heathen, I had no idea who he was. Even seeing the little guy in that little church was less than spectacular but now whenever I see any I.O.P. statues (which by the way are always really tasteful!), I think of the fond times I shared with what's her face. To think if I was on one train later I might not have such tales to tell. Good Heavens! I might not have discovered the Hell beer for 30 cents a 40oz! No, one must be certain that some great moments in history could never be altered!

OK, back to the New World. Stop three was a kid's-shit-drive-by. Number four looked as though it might be the same but something made me get out and I'm glad I did because I got 30 or so Power Ranger figures for my son for Christmas for $2! I think these are about $8 each so a mighty fine find indeed! Luckily, unlike my daughter who quote, "likes things with instructions" aka 'new in a box,' my four year old still loves any ol' crap that I give him. Why do they have to grow up?

Next up was a freestyle but all I got was a step stool. Have I mentioned before that they sell like crazy with a coat of paint? Go figure. I also wanted a table top vanity but she wanted $10 for it because she said "it's very old." I don't think the late 70's/early 80's qualify for 'very old' just yet. Then again, if she were right, I could retire early with my collection of antique smurfs and Cabbage Patch Kids. I wonder what Southeby's could get for my Wham! cassettes. And not just the one with the classic Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go but their first contribution to the art word with Bad Boys on it. Mother of God! Start the bidding!!!!!!!!
(Incidentally, I saw The Nemesis driving away from this sale with a ton of furniture in his truck. It was only 7:05!!!!! How! How does he do it??????)

My next sale was where I scored my fav of the day; an old magazine rack. I really love that it sits higher off the ground than most. Look. Like I said, today was no great win! What I also loved about this sale was that some of the neighbors had gathered and busted out some of the trivial pursuit cards that were up for sale. I felt badly because I only offered her half of what she was asking for the rack but jeez I wanted in on that game! It might have been worth a couple of bucks to sit in on a round. In life, you don't always get second chances. My trivia ship had sailed away. (Sigh #2)

Up next I was headed to the only other neighborhood I fear more than Pine Valley for the possibility of getting lost for several hours and that's the almost forbidden Glenn Meade!!!! Almost. With a half of a month old water bottle and the likelihood of even older Cheerios behind the car seats, I braved the uncharted land. There were two sales to conquer and the first had many signs for easy navigation, much to a salers delight. The second however, I was not so lucky. There I was, embarking on new ground much like Lewis and Clark but without Sacajawea (Do I even have my history right? I don't know but you get the idea.) I was about to panic when I saw this little old lady who we always see driving around in her little grey Ford Escort. She was going to the sale I had just left but it was better than roaming the forest alone. From there I asked the home owners how to escape their Glenn Meade Triangle and alas I was safe. I had to scratch the second sale altogether and therefore, nothing was purchased at either of these sales but I live to tell the tale. Priceless!

After my close encounter with death, I hit two more drive-bys. I think I was just too shaken up to stop the van. Finally, I did get the nerve to get out and I scored a cheesy painting in a terrific frame.

On my way home, I hit a freestyle and got a not so great washboard. The writing is almost entirely faded and I probably should have passed but I didn't. And there you have it. On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 2 but hey, I went to a church sale yesterday and it was a 5. Together, not a bad week. Next Saturday will be right before my birthday and I believe the Gods will grant me their gifts like last year when I got an old tobacco basket that I had been looking for for YEARS for $5!!!! I guess I can wait. (Sigh #3)

More Items for Sale!!!!

To purchase any of these great pieces, head to Ivy Cottage on Market Street in Wilmington!

Suicide, The Gold Rush and Jealous Onlookers!

SWEET MARY, MOTHER OF GOD!!!! TODAY WAS GREATEST YARD SALE DAY EVER!!!! Well, maybe not ever but up there in the top 10!!!! And to think I almost didn't go! Last night hubby's work gave him two tickets to the Chamber of Commerce's Annual Oyster Roast downtown. I'm not much of a seafood lover but an open bar with an amazing band overlooking the Cape Fear River was worth the stench of low tide any day of the week! So, as you can imagine Rule #1 had to be broken (especially since it didn't end there but at a local bar 5 houses down from my own!). Jane had mentioned that she MIGHT be joining me but I didn't believe her. When she texted me this morning I thought for sure she was crapping out on me but oh no! The one time I wanted to get some more shut eye, Jane's a player. And I'm freakin' glad she was!!!!!!

Our first stop was at a church. We got there early but they were adamant that the doors opened at 7. So there we were with the usual carnie freaks waiting on line in the dark and in the cold. Luckily I was still half asleep or I would have started a ruckus with a rather large gal who cut in front of us. The way she bolted up the steps we both just assumed that she was a worker. No. Just a trashy junker getting a head start. I did think evil things of her but knew I could take her in a foot race once we got inside so she got her way. Finally, the doors did open and just as I thought, I zigged around the hoodie clad pachyderm with great ease. I got a great rusty old garden orb base that will look great as a candlestick holder, a scrabble game, a much needed basket for my upstairs bathroom, two decorating books and an old 60's knitting basket stocked to the rim with supplies. I know you're probably sick of hearing me talk about how I'm going to learn to knit this winter but now I REALLY have to. I have enough yarn to make everyone I know a lovely new scarf that they will hold on to a while but then sell at their own yard sales. At least I'll have something to keep me warm on my lap in this drafty 100 year old house of mine. I just hope you don't find me hanging from one of them come February. I'm sooooooo not a cold person!

Well, on that happy thought......moving right along, we went to a sale put on by a dance school and I got my wonderful daughter a great pair of boots and 9 funky articles of clothing that she's currently parading in, in and out of this room as I type. I wonder how many more years I have of getting away so cheap? Please tell me it's not months! Maybe I can find a ticket gun at one of these sales and stretch this out a little bit more. Oh yes! That will work superb!

After that, we went to a sale at the American Legion and that was where I scored most of my mother load!! My first purchases were a giant wooden seahorse, a brass compass and a brass anchor. I was so tickled with those that when I saw two AMAZING McCoy vases I got excited but just assumed they were some dealers and they wanted a ton of money for them. Imagine my chagrin when the lady said $2.50! FOR BOTH!!!!! I almost wanted to give her more because I felt terrible but then it passed and I wished her a good day! They are soooooo awesome! Then I got a great lone glass that I'm not sure why I love it but I just do, I got a pink glass water pitcher where the glass sits on the top for beside your bed, I got an awful wooden wishing well that will shabbitze nicely (remember to insert jazz hands!), I also got a super cool cotton Mammy doll (LOVE THESE) and last but not least a pink depression glass bowl! Man, what a stop!!!!!!!!!!! This is the high the 49ers must have felt! Or Yukon Cornelius!!! We struck gold!!!!!!!!

After that my poor Jane had to go home to be a mommy. Luckily my wee ones stayed over their Nana's so I could continue my quest. My first stop was a bust but at number two I got a new Coke cookie jar, Star Wars Bubbles for my son (Christmas is just around the corner!), an old jar with a red lid and my fav of the day......a red metal rack that gets mounted under a cabinet with 16 jars that screw into it who's original purpose was to house and organize nails and screws but I think she will look SPECTACULAR as a spice rack!!!! Everyone who has seen it has gasped with excitement! Oh yes indeed! Envy me! Envy me!!!! It's really THAT cool!!!

Now after that I got two t-shirts for my boy, a dresser I really don't need hovering over me insisting that I paint it any time soon but it was just too cheap that I couldn't resist it. The lady at the sale offered me a munchkin too and how could I walk away after such generosity?

So, at that point, it was getting late and I was about to go home when I remembered an earlier sale where I was looking at old Nancy Drew books (I just love the colors of their jackets!) and when I asked her how much she said, "Oh, whatever you want to give me." Well! Jane and I spent quite a bit of time going through them and when we went to pay she told us $2 EACH!!!! What the hell?! Obviously we dropped them like an early morning calculus class but I just couldn't get them out of my mind. So began the obsession! Sure enough when I got back they were all still there along with a TON of other books and I got her to come down to a little over 43 cents each for all 23 of them! I know I can bunch 4 or 5 of them with some pretty ribbon and sell them for a nice profit! That is if I can part with any of them. It seems those pretty little books can fit anywhere in my decor like they've always needed to be there. I'm so excited! Remember a few weeks ago when I claimed I was going to try to live more minimally? Just kidding. I'm Christine C. and I'm a junker! Always will be!!!!! What can I say, I've got dust in my veins!!!!!

Aftas

"Afta."
"Afta what?"
"Afta afta."

-Mr. Miyagi

Darkness, My Own Addiction and The Hearing Impaired

I really don't remember it so dark saling this time last year. I felt so pathetic out there this morn solo-saling at my first stop making purchases solely by the rays of one landscaping lamp. (Yes, my almost ex-friend, Jane's daughter STILL has soccer games that conflict with our Team YSM! What the f*@%?) It was truly pitch black out there! In fact it was so dark...How dark was it?......It was so dark I bought a painting with not one but two frigging huge gashes in it! Yeah! That dark! How will I ever recover that bill again?! Bullshit!! Well, in all honesty, I did buy it for the really pretty old frame it was in but still! When did we move to Iceland?

So, after my first stop, I was still in a good mood because I had no idea at that point that I had purchased a painting by Edward Scissor Hands so I pulled up to #2 all giddy. At this sale I got a great drop leaf side table that's unusual because it has three sides. (Painted and shabbitized it should be stupendous!) I also got a black hinged thingy that you put frames on if you don't want to hang them. I'd been wanting one of these too and then voila! Thank you, Yard Sale Gods! It's bitter sweet, though, because I got it home and on my mantel where I have a painting from a few weeks ago and I put the two together thinking it would be like when peanut butter first met jelly but now I don't like the way it sits off the ground exposing the base so just as I'm truly trying to minimalize, I definitely think I need to put some wonderful new score in front of it. I just don't believe there's a cure for what I've got. I'm a terminal collector. Please don't send flowers but money to my foundation (preferably small bills).

Back to saling....so, the sales that followed were crap. Literally each sale had one table with maybe ten things on them. Did they need $10 THAT badly? (And by $10 I'm pushing it!) It was still so darn dark, though, that my stops couldn't be drive-bys. I was forced to get out of my warm van only to be let down by their display of bad Walmart purchases. I was just too cold to force my usual polite browse, however. The up side to the darkness is that no one can identify the strange lady who bolts in and out of their driveways.

Unfortunately I had half an hour to kill before my 8 o'clockers. I went to a church anyway hoping they might let us in early. Not a chance. So there I was on line with the freaks. One old man had on THE brightest polyester red pants (and white patten leather shoes) I have ever seen! (His equipment had to be cold as hell!) Another old lady kept motioning her arms like she was landing a plane. Maybe she had arthritis and now I'm going deeper into hell but I just wanted to tackle her and make her stop. Then some crazy looking lady with weird hair and an even weirder accent started to talk to me. She was saying the normal stuff you say when you engage in small talk but the volume with which she was engaging really set her off on my crazy meter. Even Iced Nuts and the lady doing the Y-M-C-A dance were looking at us. I tried to speak softly to compensate but I just wasn't convinced I wasn't setting off their crazy meter as well. All I kept thinking about was the time I got a tad tipsy at a bachelor auction fundraiser and I decided to talk to the mayor about my very strong opinions about our local politics and I thought I made some fantastic, poignant points about the future of our beloved city but as it turns out, Jane was there and was concerned that I was getting a cold because CLEARLY my ears were clogged because I was screaming at the poor man. Why was I doing that? And the better question is, why didn't Jane intervene? Isn't that what friends are for? And ironically, you'll never guess who was feeding me all that damn champagne.....a local attorney! Not only did he generously dole out bubbly but little tins with mints and his number on them! Isn't that entrapment?! I NEED TO TALK TO THE MAYOR!!!!!!!

I can't stop laughing.....where the hell was I? Ummm....Oh! The church! So finally they let us in and it was amazing!!!! So much stuff!! I got a great old step stool that's a chair (you know the ones) in my favorite color red, I got a magazine rack for my daughter, another magazine rack that's wall mounted (should be great when it's shabbitzed [in the future, please insert jazz hands whenever I say the word 'shabbitized', ok?]), and lastly I got yet another vintage red felt elf. I just frigging LOVE them! Not much else these days can put a smile on your face for 5 cents! What can I say? I'm a cheap date!

So that about wraps it up. Not a day for the history books but sometimes, folks, the journey is the destination. I spent $9.05 and was thoroughly entertained! And hell, I got some great parting gifts to boot! Oh the life of a saler! Now I must attend to my mantel. There has to be SOMETHING in this house I can use! If not there's always next week..........

Homelessness, Cryogenics and Possible Arson

Holy hell.......when did it get so friggin cold?! I had no idea it was time to bust out my homeless person gloves already. I'm not sure if I shared this story already but last Christmas I asked for a pair of gloves with exposed fingertips and my darling husband bought me a regular pair of knit gloves from Walmart and cut the fingers off. They immediately began to fray to which hubby offered to burn the ends (while they were still on my hands!). I declined and now when I wear them I look as though I had a good Friday night in the park begging for money and now I can afford to yard sale like the rest of high society. I think it's payback for when I told him to grow his hair out and I kept telling him that although it was bushy and in that slightly awkward stage that it looked just fine. It didn't. He looked like a big red Chia Pet. Sometimes a girl just needs a chuckle. OK, back to saling....

As I said, it was a tad chilly. I kept expecting to see Walt Disney's frozen corpse at one of my stops but I don't think he's ready to thaw just yet. I'm not sure he'd want to come back to life now anyway and discover that his fellow Americans are so fat that we're sinking his boats in 'It's a Small World'. (True story. We really are.) Wow. I'm all over the place this morning. Could someone please get me some decent gloves and a prescription for Ritalin this Christmas? So where was I.....? Saling! That's right, I'm writing a yard sale blog.....

So, despite the cold and darkness I set sale this morning. First up was at a church and I thought it would be great but what little they had was waaaaay over priced! It sucked too because my next stop didn't start for 25 more minutes so I had to walk the 2 aisles over and over and over. If I'd had my gloves on I'm sure the gals running the show would have thought I'd come in for the warmth. Oh well. Strike one.

Next was a k.c. (kid's crap). Out of boredom I did buy a new Sponge Bob sippy cup for my special son who still can't drink out of a cup. It was so dark out still that I paid 50 cents for it and then got in my van and noticed the sticker said 25 cents. You know that move is going to throw my whole day off!!! Kills me!

Next up was more k.c. and a drive by at that! With too much time before 8, I decided to hit a few in a neighborhood a bit out of my loop. I scored a hideous metal wire shelf that I'm thinking will paint and shabbitize nicely but I don't know. I think I just wanted to buy something. Leaving there I saw a sign for a freestyle but the man was still setting up so he told me to come back. After that I hit another freestyle and got a fantastic metal carousel that I haven't a clue what should go in it but painted will be AMAZING!!! I don't really think it's my decor but someone is going to shit when they see this thing! Good score! Fav of the day!!

After that I went back to Freestyle I and a got a nice table, a mirror and a metal boat! That little roll got me in the mood! After that I went to a street that had 3 sales!! I got a nice copper salt and pepper set, a measuring set on a wooden stand (screaming to be scabbitized!!), a bowl from an old mixer (for Mama!), a brush set for my daughter (whose knots are so bad she broke her last brush and coined her the nickname, Bob Molly), and lastly an old metal tray with an Asian scene that I bought with none other than Mrs. Linton in mind. Who is Mrs. Linton you ask? I don't know because I never met the woman but I did rent her beau-ti-ful house last weekend in Black Mountain, NC for a wedding and she had all these amazing Asian antiques and I admired them so much and frankly wanted to steal them but I controlled myself and then 2 days after we left the house on the crest of the mountain with the stunning views, it burned to the ground. To the ground!!!! Isn't that awful?!!! Forensics were there yesterday and I'm hoping to god it was nothing we did but either way! How insane! None-the-less, now I have an Asian tin tray that will always remind me of dear old Mrs. Linton's gorgeous home. Crazy right?

So, after that I was pressed for time and could only stop at a few more. They were complete crap but I did get a wonderful old typewriter that I've been wanting for years. It will go great in my 'World Traveler' room. Now I can add author to the many accomplishments of my fictitious Renaissance Man that I'm staging in my front living room. I'm such a loser! Speaking of which, I just read a book called 'Clutter's Last Stand' because really, I'm trying! But anyway one of the things it said was, "Do the majority of people who enter your home for the first time say it's....er.....interesting?" Son of a bitch they do!!!! Damn it! Can you add therapy to my Christmas list too? That one's going to cost you. You might want to make it a Christmas/birthday combo.