Stopped at another sale on the way to pick up the kids! Check out my new hammock NEW AND IN THE BOX!!!

Uncensored revisited

Although the ever looming Rule #1 had to be abandoned last night due to an amazing Dave Matthews Tribute Band downtown, today's saling was fairly painless. It took a while for the momentum to kick in but once my body accepted it was to perform on little or no liquids, it came through for me.

The first stop was a drive-by (notin' worth getting out for) the second was an unadvertised freestyle but apparently they set up the night before and then slept in because there wasn't even the slightest stirring of a body to buy from. The few things that were tagged were outrageously overpriced so I don't blame them for opting for slumber. Stop #3 also chose to sleep in but unlike #2, they called it quits the night before. Moving right along, #4 was at a church and when we pulled up Jane remembered us doing well here before. We got out of her truck and I saw a plant stand that I really liked so I scaled the drainage ditch all excited to get to my pot of gold only to find a fat fuck leprechaun (sorry to all those who have suggested I tone down my trailer mouth but this guy really was a fat mother fucker!!!) So, I at first asked his wife how much the plant stand was and she told me $15 (eww- liked it for $3). then I asked about a table to which Chubby responded $25. I told them I'd have to think about it and I went over to Jane (who found an awesome old end table [slut]) to ask for her opinion. When we walked back to Fat Ass, he was sitting on his lazy boy for sale with one of his fat legs thrown over the side and an empty yoo-hoo in his crotch. I asked if he would take any less for the plant stand and when he found out his wife told me $15, he went off on her for giving me such a "cheap" price. He said something like, "Don't you know we can get at least $30 for that at the auction. What were you thinking?" I could tell by the way she said sorry so many times and hunched her shoulders in defeat that he's always a bullying lard ass piece of shit. I probably could have made money on the plant stand and the table but fuck if I was going to buy from that nasty, fleshy blob of shit!!! I'm still all worked up about that beluga! That poor lady. Karma can be a bitch, though. Maybe one day he'll fall off his couch while searching for his remote because he wants to flip back and forth between Nascar and reruns of The Jeff Foxworthy Show and bust his fat meaty head open. Could happen. Hope so.

Anyway, I did score 2 frames from a different lady there so it wasn't a total loss. After that I bought an o.k. water color of sailboats. It's in an 80's metal frame but if I put it in a wood frame and paint and shabitize it up, it could be pretty great. And it was $1. Definitely worth the gamble.

A few more drive-bys after that. Clothes, clothes and more clothes. Then I got an awful palm treed planter but painted shabby white will surely sell. And let's see, Oh! Then we went to a great old house with a young couple and an adorable old dad helping out. I bought an old (and heavy!) screen door for my back porch that's much needed since my son, the future murder, smashed ours with a sippy cup full of chocolate milk a few years back. It probably could have been salvaged but it was a cheesy metal one and I was really happy to see it go. Well..... until the following spring when all of God's creatures decided to take up residence in my house (including my chickens which liked to eat the crumbs under the kitchen table. I let them, of course. It was quite convenient until the time I had just finished making burritos on my electric stove and then one of the chickens jumped up and INTO the frying pan [so help me God!] and burnt her little feet).

Back to saling.....and the climax of the morning. We stumbled upon not one but two freestyles right around the corner from my house and I got a great rustic frame (cypress I think) that will be perfect for a charcoal painting of a cow that my brother-in-law did for me, an old stool (I know, I'm obsessed) and my fav of the day, an old wooden tool box! After that we hit another freestyle sale and I got a cute old red rocker for my friend who just had a baby boy. Then, for my procreating neighbor who's having a girl, I got a brand new pair of purple suede booties at the last and final sale. Oh wait, there was one more we went to and the young college girl wanted $8 for an old chipped up metal cake server (that is sure to give you lead poisoning upon the first mouthful of German Chocolate) and when I put it down she said, "Yeah, this is a vintage item and that's why it costs a little more." Don't educate me, bitch! On that note, fuck you to all of you out there that don't like my cursing! I gots to be me! Happy Saling!

Yellow Doll Bed, White Shabby Cabinet and Small Blue Stool can be purchased @

Pelican's Roost 5717 Carolina Beach Road in Wilmington.

The Germicidal Disinfectant Jar and the Large Blue Stool were just too cool to give up. You're beat!

BABUSHKA BABE

Today was bizarre. Simply bizarre. My list of sales was so long yet they pretty much all sucked. Jane's friend Melissa tagged along with us. We figured since she's moving to Louisiana in a week she shouldn't pose too much of a threat. Not a problem. Nothing to be had. Nada!

Our first stop was a church (and you know I love these!) but all I found was a painting of a lighthouse. It's signed by 'Jason' so I'm sure it will be highly sought after at Southeby's someday. The next ten it seemed like were all kid's shit and clothes. Why? Why?

It appeared all we were doing was driving around and having girl talk this morning. In the midst of our Chatty Cathy Hour however, we did see a woman in a babushka and a long immigrant-esque frock running- make that sprinting down a busy street. I'd say she was Russian but I don't want you to think I'm paranoid about the Soviets or anything. I'm sure they're all lovely vodka drinking folk. What's crazy about her dashing about was that we had passed her by quite a bit and then Melissa finally said, "What the hell was that?" That's when the scene struck us as odd. Melissa must think we always see foreigners on the move early Saturday morning. (I hope Jason Bourne wasn't on her tail! He'd better have had a scope, though. She could have given Marion Jones a run for her money even WITH the enhancement drugs!!)

Back to saling...really, the whole day sucked and it hurts to relive it. I did score a good, sturdy chair, a cabinet, an Atlas jar with lid and a 'Safe Seal' jar with lid (never saw that name before), a doll crib and my fav of the day......a germicidal disinfectant jar that a barber would put combs in the mystery blue liquid but I think I'll put straws in because nothing says 'have a nice refreshing drink at my house' like one served beside a germicidal disinfectant jar!

Several of my friends have commented on this blog about my perhaps being a hoarder. I'm starting to think they could very well be right. If they were any friends at all, though, they'd get me the professional help I need! Maybe next week I can buy some new friends for a buck! (Well......maybe 50 cents.) Maybe the Babushka Babe needs a friend. I'd better gas up before I go looking for her. She could be in Maryland by now!! Maybe I could introduce her to The Russian and he wouldn't have to (insert accent) 'go back to his country'! Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with my new BFF! See ya, Jane!

Great frame from a few weeks ago with my daughter's portrait of me (son of god is behind me).

First pic is of my blocks from last week spelling 'beach.'

Second is today's 'C C' blocks.

Third is last week's blocks spelling 'eat, drink, sip.'

Fourth is today's rusty wheel.

Thank god for the Russian!

*Note to self: When the weatherman calls for thunderstorms over Memorial Day weekend, stay the fuck in bed! Of course, not a drop fell but the threat was enough for the sales to be minimal.

(If this yard sale/resale biz doesn't pan out, I think I want to be meteorologist. Maybe after intensive schooling I can finally figure out the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny.)

Now that I've worked out Plan B I can tell you about my morning. Jane joined me on today's adventures. There's so much I want to write about that but in order to keep her as my friend I must refrain. For those of you reading this who know her, her "issues for some tissues" were in full force! Ok, I really have to move on. I shan't, I musn't!!!!!

So, we're running late and usually Jane would make up for this by breaking the sound barrier in her Escalade but today she was a little off and we coasted to not 1, not 2 but 6 yard sales before we even stopped to get out. Apparently today was Get Rid of Baby Shit Day. People, no one wants your 0-6 month stained onsies!!!! Finally a sale was inside so we were forced to put the car in park and go inside but when we did not only was there complete crap but her prices were insane. I really wanted a shelf but she wanted $15 for it (should have been $2) so I asked if she could come down at all and snippy as hell she replied, "No! Not this early!" What a snatch! Then Jane tells me that she got snippy with her for buying a $2 mirror with a $20. The sweaty, witch haired, snatch even said, "Don't you know to bring singles to yard sales!" To which Jane replied, "We do this all the time. Don't you know to have change for people at your yard sales?!" As if!!! Doesn't she know who we are? She really got my panties in a bunch!

Well! After that we happened upon an unadvertised yard sale (freestyle!) and I finally bought a weird rusty wheel with a rod through it (I was getting fucking desperate!) and a cheesy hanging pot rack (?). Oh, and I picked up 2 old blocks and they were both c's (my initials) so I needed them (??).

When I got back into the truck I was down right depressed. I bought a bunch of shit and now my hands had icky rusty filth on them. Oh! And a guy who got there after me found behind some tools a giant Willy Wonka head! Someone definitely had used it for target practice but I think that made it even cooler. Man, I can't believe a professional like me let that get past me! (You know I blame Cruella Deville for making me off my game!!!)

So, a few more sales and a few more people observing Get Rid of Baby Shit Day. (I hate them and their babies!) Luckily on the way home we saw a sign for another unadvertised, freestyle sale and when we drove up to the house we remembered The Russian! We were at his yard sale a few months back and we both got stuff but I can't remember what but what made us really remember the sale was The Russian giving us his sob story (please insert accent) about breaking up with his girlfriend and having to move back to his country. Just imagine that last sentence lasting 20 minutes! Good lord, we were hoping Homeland Security or Jason Bourne would assassinate him right there just to put a stop to his whining! We felt for him (really we did) but we we're under a time constraint! Oh, so, back to today.....we both agreed not to smile or even make eye contact with The Russian and luckily I was able to get 2 fantastic end tables. He started the 'Move Back to My Country' schpeil but I cut him off at the beginning with, "Will you take 10?" and (insert accent again) "because I have to move back to my counrty...................OK."

We will miss you Mullet Crowned Russian Man. (But then again we bade our farewells last time and you dodged Jason Bourne once before.) See you in a few months!

RIP little squirrel!!

So, my friend turned 40 and some of the gals met downtown to celebrate. Celebrate we did. Now I'm feeling ill and can't get 'Bringin' Sexy Back' out of my head. What the hell was in those pretty pink drinks? Why do I keep breaking Rule #1? Why was I dancing with that very young boy? Can someone say Cougar Town?

Having said that.......yard saling was pretty good today. Jane, my fellow cougar, made it out today as well. The first stop was a little rough. I really just walked through the motions of saling but my mind was not functioning yet. The second stop was slightly better. I did get a nice globe on a wooden stand but I saw a great Radio Flyer wagon and I didn't feel like asking how much it was and then some lady bought it and it really pissed me off. Why the hell did i just stare at it? Damn pretty pink drinks!!!

Take me off the bench, coach!!

I think we did a few more after that but it's a bit of a blur.........until the church! Hot dog was that a good stop!! I got an old silver ice chest that will make a great GREAT toy box (fav of the day!), a booster seat, a scrabble game, a helmet, a mini dresser that I guess is for jewelry but I'm not sure, an old scale, a sailboat book, The Time Travelor's Wife book, a sun tea jar that will make a swell vase, a stool and some great blocks! The only bummer was that the girl over charged me by $3 and I didn't say anything. I'm not going to be able to sleep for a week now. I seriously want to go back to that church and demand justice! I don't care if they're going on a mission. I'm going on a mission too- to get my mother fuckin $3 back!

Ok, I needed a moment. Now I'm back.

So as if life hadn't shit on me enough, after that, I'm driving along..la la la...and a damn squirrel runs into the road. As a younger driver I would have swerved but as a veteran driver I know that squirrels always ALWAYS dodge the car and avoid their death but wouldn't you know it we looked out the rear view mirror and there's my fluffy little friend convulsing in the street. I hit the son of a bitch! And it didn't die! Half of it was squished but the other half was bouncing back and forth like a cat toy. It was awful! And my 'friend' keep doing her best squirrel voice saying "I want my mama." Now the bad karma's on her. I wanted a moment of silence but noooo she had to make fun! I think she just wanted to bring me down because she had a cat die a ferocious death on the side of her house and she didn't give it a proper burial and now she has among a stench, maggots and flies of a biblical proportion in her basement. We all know who the real animal hater is, don't we?

Back to saling.....ummm....ok, so, then I got a batman costume for my boy, 2 really cute (although new) tins and 35 painted fish. That's right. Thirty five fucking painted fish. I don't know what the fuck made me buy 35 fish. Thirty Five fish. I still can't even process that myself. They're cheesy as hell! We live in a beach town so a few might sell but 35!!! What if they don't? Why did Jane let me buy them? Why am I friends with that girl? Thirty five fucking fish!
I might need another moment......ok, I'm ok. So, last but not least, I'm very excited to report, at the final stop, I got another sleeping bag. What is so significant about this outdoor bedding is that the sleeping bag I currently use when we go camping I also got at a yard sale and the guy I bought it from was an ex-Army man and he said he slept in this thing at 20 below zero and I had to have it. It doesn't even get to 20 above zero here but I bought his pitch. Well! The fucking thing isn't rectangular. It's cone shaped! And when you're in it, it feels like a fucking sarcophagus! Why not a little leg room? I'm terrified in that thing! Who would have designed such a torture chamber? Maybe it was originally intended for prisoners of war to keep them bound. I have no idea but I'm glad I'll never have to sleep like a Nazi luger again! Thank you, yard sale gods! Another great week!