Evil Jane, Holy Guidance and Another Gift from my Boyfriend

Despite Jane's best efforts to sabotage my day of saling, I made it out and what a morning I had!!! I overslept by a half hour because after coming home late last night from Jane's, I accidentally set the alarm clock for p.m. I was also up all night after she gave me a Claritin which had my heart racing as I tossed and turned! I should have suspected her evil intentions when she invited me over to watch a movie yesterday (The Fighter- LOVED it!!!) and what do you know, 'How about a glass of wine?' Normally I could not resist the urge of the spirits but a post nasal drip/sore throat combo gave me the power to 'just say no!' But could she stop there? Nooooo! She had to push her speed on me! She knows Rule #1! Just because her daughter had a soccer game this morning doesn't mean she should interfere with my good fortune! Well! Wouldn't you know, my best score was at the very school Jane's daughter goes to! Poor thing. As if her hangover wasn't enough!

So, I raced out of the house like a crazy lady. I had to skip my first sale since it was too far out of my cluster of other sales. It wouldn't have mattered though because I was still in such a fog at my first sale that I really can't even tell you what was there. Or where it was.

My next sale, I purchased something I desperately needed. A bunch of hangers! We've been so low on these lately but I refused to buy them (at full price) since I'd seen them before at previous sales and what do you know! Now if I could only buy a decent closet I'd be in business.

The sales that followed were dreadful. I went to six in a row that were a complete waste of time (and precious gas!). Then my luck changed.

It turned around when I went to a sale and they had a great old suitcase marked FREE! It was as though the Yard Sales Gods placed it there themselves as guidance to get back on my horse and continue my good work! Leaving that sale I even saw a sign for a freestyle that would turn out to be my greatest achievement of the day! St. Mary's Outreach fundraiser!

It was held in the basement and as soon as I descended the stairs I just knew! There was great shit everywhere! First I grabbed a terrific painting off the wall. Then another one! Then I got not one but two old metal fans (as I've said in a prior post, best for enhancing even the worst Darth Vader impression when spoken into the spinning blades [just not too close or your nose will be history!]). I got a lame, metal wine holder with a fish that I'll paint and perfect. I got two fantastic old shoe forms, a dated shelf where you clip on the rounded levels (see pic; can't describe), an old black door knob, a cheesy metal Woodie beach truck, a vintage Pennsylvania Dutch tray and finally a stupendous vintage pitcher with red (yes, RED) stripes!!! What a fabulous stop!!! To think it wasn't even on my list!!! Wow!

After that I almost just drove home to admire my finds but it was still early enough so back again on my horse I went. Nothing to compare to my last sale but I did get two old insulators (can a girl have enough?) and at my last stop, an old mirror. What a day! But wait! There's more! No, not a Ginsu knife or some Oxiclean but a wee little bottle that I found in my van that I bought from my boyfriend's sale a few weeks ago that must have been forgotten due to it's tiny little size. She already looks just perfect in my old printer's drawer that I have hanging in my living room displaying other wee little things that I just love but curse like a sailor at when I dare dust the shelf and it's collection of wee little crap. Luckily, that doesn't take place often.

Oh, Mighty Divine Ones! Thank you once again for leading me on such a blessed path! I shall continue to paint, shabbitize and oil to make ye proud! Amen.

My New Platform, The Asian Invasion and Hypocrisy

I tell you what, if it wasn't for my one decent pop, I would be one testy little grump this morn! I kind of figured I would be off to a slow start since there were only three 7's on my route but mercy! I even added 3 freestyles to my pre-eight agenda but nothin'! When I become president (or I settle for mayor) I will pass a law that if you buy something from Walmart (you should be fined just for that) but under no circumstances should you be allowed to pawn it off to another. Their punishment will be not only a hefty fine (in all singles of course [It's good to be the king!!!]) but a mandatory subscription to Elle Decor magazine or House Beautiful because clearly these poor bastards have no idea what to bring into their homes. Furthermore, all wood from the fake forest will be confiscated as will ANY item made to look like an antique. People!! Why buy a cheesy version of vintage when the real deal is probably cheaper and will typically resell for more than you paid for it? These seem like such obvious rules to live by but are being broken in staggering numbers! I truly fear for the well being of our nation. I can't believe Hollywood hasn't made a disaster epic on how the great U. S. of A. is taken down by the effects of of cheap plastic crap from China! Guys, we can not let them win! repeat after me; 'Walmart is the Enemy'! 'Walmart is the Enemy'!

How do you always get me so off course like this? What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yes. Not one single thing yet. So!

Finally I got to my eights. My first sale was a bust but then number two was a dream! I believe I can still hear the angels singing. Well, it really wasn't that spectacular but let's face it, my standards have gotten very low this winter. You judge for yourself...... I got a great old drop leaf table that needs painting but will be a gem when she's beautified! I got an old stool which needs a little glue and some clamps but a small obstacle (I hope!). I got a great wooden wine rack that has a lot of good detail to paint and shabbitize and my fav of the day.....a super cool vintage camera case. I first thought I would use it for the new camera I keep dreaming I will get any day now but should I continue to be forced to use my daughter's point-and-shoot, I think my new purchase would make a spiffy purse. The leather will only get snazzier as it ages too. A real find!!!

So, after that, I got a fantastic old oak armchair that looks great already in my dining room even though I still need two more chairs with seats I can redo to unify them all in this amazing giraffe fabric that I dream about everyday! It's gonna be hot, baby! ZZZZZZZ!! (No, you won't go to sleep in them but I don't know how to write a sizzle sound. Give me a break! It's still early!)

I went to few more sales that were in danger of hefty fines under the new legislation and of course to protect myself from their poison (and straight up tackiness) I had to decline. So, that's it. All in all a pretty successful outing. I bought some treats for Mama and some goodies to sell. Now I must round up the little people and head to Walmart for milk and provisions. What? Did you think I would pay top dollar for imitation Frosted Flakes? Do you people even know me?!

New Items 3/8/11

Come get 'em while they're hot @ Northrop's Antiques Mall in Southport!

Politics, Getting Lost and My Boyfriend

I've got to tell you, this gas inflation is really putting a hex on my yard saling! Every sale I headed to I practically computed the cost it took to get me to their heap of shit. Well, maybe I didn't actually do the math because it was much too early but I wanted to! What the hell is going on? Sure there's some turmoil in the Middle East but isn't there always? Unless Gadhafi blows the region (and it's oil) up, don't fuck with the cost per barrel! Don't we get most of out petrol from Canada anyway? All's good up there! Just ask Justin Bieber!!! Ugh! Why no one's nominated me for president I have no idea. Who better to fix our budget than a yard saler! You need school supplies? Check! You want to clean the environment? Here's a bike, in fact here's two; one's got a bum tire, now you've got parts! Seriously, people! I can help!

Well, until I'm called upon to serve my country, I guess I'll just stick to this.....

And so my morning began as I pulled out of my driveway at 6:15. I know. A little earlier than usual but there were several pre-sevens so I played their game. Or so I thought. My first stop was a bust because they never bothered to even set up. They're one block behind my house and now the future sight of my dog's dump station. Thanks neighbor!

After that I hit a 'look how much we over bought for our first baby' sale. Next!

Number three on my list was a church sale that I've been to many times before only this time there was a vacant parking lot. I assume I misread the ad and they were advertising this week for vendors and the actual sale is yet to come but at least five other cars drove up looking as well so now my dog may have to hold it while we take a little drive. Next!

I have to say, it was ironic that this church should be on my list this week because last week when I set saling, I was headed for a baptist church which I believed to be this one only it wasn't so I drove a little further only to realize that I had gone too far on route 40 so I took the next exit which brought me to 17 North towards New Bern which after I drove for what seemed like forever, it finally said the next exit was in 6 miles only when I reached that, I couldn't get back on 17 so I had to take Market Street from Porter's Neck and go all the way to Gordon Road and all the way back to 40 only to swear I just had to go a little bit further to get to that god damn baptist church only it wasn't up that far so I mother f*#@%ing did the whole mess again!!!!! I never thought it was possible to get lost for forty five minutes on this cape! Needless to say, in an effort to listen to your advise to use less profanity in my blog, I was unable to write last week. Where was I...... oh yes! My boyfriend!

Oh wait! I got so excited I forgot about the lodge. No big deal. I got a hat. Actually, it is a big deal because the water company just told me my water consumption has doubled and I definitely have a leak somewhere so until we find it, I will be hiding my greasy hair in the said hat. Best quarter I'll ever spend! Back to my boyfriend..........

As soon as I saw his address last night when I was scouting my sales my heart went a flutter! I've written about him before. Truth be told I remember him hotter but he does drive a great old Ford pick-up and he has the coolest shit. Cheap! I swear I think he's my other boyfriend, Mike Wolfe, from t.v.'s American Picker's brother. Not sure why I find them so dreamy but how can you question the chemistry of a crush? (When I become Commander in Chief, I'll be sure to allot some of my surplus budget to find such answers. Now I'm creating jobs too! My God, I can definitely see myself on the penny!!). Ok, back to my boyfriend's humble abode.....so I got an old three tiered metal cart (with an outlet and cord!), a cute old 4x6 rustic frame (which I've been looking for that size!), two old jars with lids (and an extra metal lid for parts!), a great old frame (that I just know I have something to stick in it and the two will be meant for each other!), a beachy white table (just ok) and my piece de resistance....... an big old industrial strength coffee grinder in the most glorious hue of red!!!!! I think I might be part bull because whenever I see that primary perfection, I'm just full steam ahead!!!! It's so damn cool! I'm thinking it will look great in the corner of my dining room perched on an old chair. In fact, I went to several other sales, all of which sucked, so I think I will end today's journey here so I can play with my new toy. Unless you really want to know about the broken infant swing for sale at Pine Valley Elementary Scool? Didn't think so....see ya next week!!!!

Nice Days, Nice Refreshments, Bad Hangovers

Look! Don't lecture me but sometimes you just have to break Rule #1!! When Jane (the yard sale sabotager these days) says,"It's going to be in the 70's today. Let's let the kids play in your backyard and do some day drinking!" How was I going to say no? It's been a very cold, miserable winter and I needed to celebrate the medicinal effects of the sun........and well..............er...............some wine. And so we did. Only day drinking blended so nicely into night drinking and next thing I know some awful song was urging me to wake up at 6:30 this morning. You may look down on my inability to 'just say no' but my dedication to saling is unparalleled!!!!!

So, there I was, in my van, with a bunch of illegible chicken scratch that I believe was the route I made last night to charter this morning's journey. I went to the furthest one first but it sucked. There was not one, not two but three freestyles after that but all I scored from those was an art kit (very cool for $2!) and a wii game that my son would tell me is for babies. He just turned five. He would know.

After that, I went downtown to a historic house turned museum and there were so many people on line and the rat bastards made us wait FOREVER to get in but nada! Not true; I got a bust/stand thing that I think you would display your necklaces on but it sucks. Someone will buy it. Hell, I did.

So, I left that disappointment after about a minute. Part of me liked making a point that I was leaving so quickly because they had let me down but I doubt anyone noticed (which was a good thing because even watching me leave out of a parallel parking spot is morbidly embarrassing).

I was really sad at this point. The weather has been beautiful so I've been working on goodies and pumped up to work on more and I thought for sure that everyone would have started spring cleaning and would have plenty to offer me but looks like the rest of my Wilmintonian neighbors opted to enjoy the beautiful day and celebrate other ways. Maybe they opted for the day/night drinking combo too! It's hard to resist!

Ok, I'm not going any further. I drove around a little more only to look at people's crap that I am only to assume has made it to the shelves of the salvation army. Even our poor deserve better!

I really must go replenish my fluids now. Damn you, Jane!!! Damn you!!!!

Pain Killers, Lack of Friends and Skin Irritation

Alas! ALAS!!!! Ye Yard Sale Gods giveth the a sunny Saturday morn!!! I think it's been 9 weeks since I last went saling and in that time there's been 5 rainy days, the birthday of Our Lord, the celebration of a new year, my family's trip to Orlando, and my favorite; a trip to the e.r. I could go on from here and tell you about my finds but the hospital visit was just too good to not disclose. So.....after the Great Blizzard of 2011 (a half inch of slush), the kids didn't have school for 3 days. One of those days was my daughter's birthday. We had been planning on having her sleepover that weekend but I feared that we weren't giving enough notice and she would be forced to celebrate with only her brother. That bumped her party to the following weekend even though her brother's birthday party was that Sunday. With no detours that would have been nutty but not impossible. Well!!!! I decided to leave the cleaning portion of my 'to do' list until the last minute and instead I was doing what I love; redecorating! Again, not a problem as I have been known to clean my house under pressure in under forty five minutes. This time, however, I was hanging a picture over my mantle when I couldn't quite get the darn wire to catch on the nail. Annoyed, I grabbed what was close which was a small vanity stool only in my moment of determination I had completely forgotten that I never reattached the seat to the base. As you can imagine, as I leaned forward, the seat flipped over sending my fat ass down into the base. At first I was relieved that I did not break the glass of the antique frame but when I went to step away, I realized I was attached to the metal stool. The legs of the said stool go down into a 'v' and my weight from the fall lodged my toe deep in it's cavern and I couldn't get out! I screamed for my daughter but she was upstairs and could not hear my cries. I was really starting to panic! My legs and hands were shaking and the pain was horrific! The more I tried to pull my foot out, the more I seemed to twist my digit in there! Finally my daughter came downstairs and was able to fetch me my phone. I thought about who to call but the thought of my husband yanking out my little piggy from the jaws of this stool was out of the question. That left 911. Ten minutes later, THREE e.m.t.s showed up (holding back their chuckles) and after about a half hour and several tools, they finally dislodged my throbbing, bloodied toe out of the clutch of the stool. Next thing you know I'm in the emergency room. The toe wasn't broken but I did need a tetanus shot to which I had a reaction to and I had to stay to be 'observed' for 2 more hours. To make a long story a little less long, I made it home just in time to receive 9 eight year olds whose parents will probably never let their children play with my daughter again as I was just a tad loopy from the pain killers. Not to mention I didn't realize there was blood all over my pants until later in the evening. As if this wasn't bad enough, I had to have my son's party the very next day! At least I was able to change and not frighten the moms that their babies could catch something from me. So!!! What was I saying? Oh! So that's what I've been up to! As for this morning.....

Since I hadn't been in so long I almost skipped saling since the low was only 27 degrees. Fortunately, I'm a freak who never sleeps so I thought, "what the heck." And I'm so glad I did! Not that today was a great day but it felt so good just to be back on the horse!

My first stop was probably the hit of the day because I got a great hand knit floral scarf, 2 wooden, carved corbel shelves that will shabitze sooo nicely and 2 great pillow covers that are fantastic and already spruce up my living room! I'm not going to lie to you, they're itchy as hell but do I really need to spend so much time on the couch anyway? Of course not!

My next stop was in a weird warehouse that's trying to be a new flea market but you're not getting me to shell out any big bills at 7 in the morning! Interestingly enough, they had 2 of Jane's old painting that she sold when we had a yard sale here! Such a small circle of junkers 'round these parts!

Next up was at an older lady's apartment who was moving out of the area. She had some good stuff but not priced to my liking. I did get an old 'mixers' recipe book with a great jacket that I can't wait to add to my shit to dust for the next 50 years.

After that, the sons of bitches having the next sale had second thoughts about setting up in 27 degree weather and choose to sleep in. I can't blame them but I think evil thoughts about them none-the-less.

My final port of call was an 'estate' sale so of course they got off on making us wait outside until the last possible minute. They're lucky they sold me an old Pennsylvania 'Dutch' (really German and shortened from 'deutch') dish towel that goes with my apron, place mats and napkins with the same print! I believe now my set is complete. As was my morning! Thank you! Thank you, Yard Sale Gods!!! If I had to wait another week I might have started stealing off neighbors' porches. You have saved me much embarrassment (and legal fees)! Well, I guess I'll go clean. I had hoped to catch a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians but I'm worried I'll get a rash from my new pillows. My son's in there now watching Sponge Bob. He hasn't complained of any hives but then again he's in 'that zone'. I'll have to wait for a commercial! Sorry, kid!

Saturday Morning Driving, The Disabled and My Own Revelations

Today sucked.

My route was crazy because there were literally 2 houses on the same street but one was at 7 and one was at 8. I went from downtown to Monkey Junction twice. I felt like all morning I was doing figure eights all over town while a stream of my gas and money was trailing behind. Once again my ex-friend Jane bailed because it was too cold. Waaaa! I hate when she's right. It was not only freezing it was the morning from frozen hell.

My first stop was at a church so I got there early but all that was there was toddler crap (and the sale wasn't even inside!!!). Next up was all the way downtown but when I got there it was nothing but racks of clothes. For some reason I didn't pull away and I'm honestly glad I didn't. It was all new clothes donated by a store that was going out of business and they donated their stuff to raise money for Leukemia. I got two really funky shirts that I can't wait to don! I left there feeling pretty good about my morning and then it went down hill.......

So, from there, I drove all the way in the opposite direction to a church (again not inside!!!!) but they had absolutely nothing. I did get a pillow but only for the stuffing that I want to make some more coffee sack pillows. The lady taking my money looked at me funny for buying such an ugly, stained pillow and I thought of disclosing my artistic side but sometimes it's more fun to stay in character as the homeless woman. I even told her to have a blessed day. That had me giggling.

Next up was crap followed by two more sales that escalated in crapiness. After that I finally had a reason to bust out some bills but only for a little cabinet I'll have to paint. Sort of wish I never bothered.

Then, I was excited to go back to last week's house where I got the great magazine table (but didn't get the bench that will forever haunt me) but this week, supposedly she was going to let us rummage the contents of her upstairs. Not quite. It was mostly last week's left overs. I did get a nice old crackly mirror but none the less, I left a tad bummed.

So, after that I went back to a neighborhood I had already been only to walk away with nada. Then I went to a sale that didn't exist followed by another who just didn't feel like getting up this morning and on to another who should have followed their lead because they had seriously nothing anyone would ever buy. What makes this sale stand out, however, was that there was a man in a wheelchair there and when I walked up the driveway he leaned forward and stared me down. I'm not talking a slightly impolite stare I'm talking a puma about to pounce on his deer. I kept walking up their driveway but he never took his eyes off me. Just when I got to their display of 'take-me-to-the-salvation-army-quickly!', the man lifted his one leg strait in the air and as a result, his wheelchair went flying down the very steep driveway. I gasped in horror but that was all I was able to do. When he got to the street, he put his foot down and skidded safely to a stop. When he turned around, however, his eyes were still fixated on me but he had an ever so slight grin on his face. I looked at the lady having this fine sale with a look of 'what the hell' and she just flicked her wrist and said, "oh he does that to get a rise out of people". A rise out of people!!!!!!! I damn near soiled myself! And although for the next few minutes I kept thinking what a crazy scene I had just witnessed, it wasn't until I was in my car that I realized I did nothing when a man in a wheelchair nearly plummeted to his demise! I better person should have lept out in front of him and thrown themselves in front of his chair! No wonder I got nothing today. I have bad karma!!!! I need to make this right! I can't be driving around another Saturday with no good finds in my van! I need to sing to orphans or cook for the elderly but I can't even do either of those! How will I ever find a real McCoy again? Will there be no more vintage kitchen items in red? I was feeling so down on myself for being such a thorn to my community but then I remembered I gave $2 to help Leukemia earlier! I'm not a thorn but a bud waiting to blossom. This community needs me and my painted treasures I offer up every week. I give, god damn it! I give! And wouldn't you know my next sale I got my fav of the day......an awesome old oak school desk that's already painted!!!!!!! And not just painted but painted really well in a blue and yellow plaid that's sure to fetch some bills!!!!! The yard sale gods might test but in the end they believe in me and from this day forward I shall not only continue but persevere and nothing, not even the disabled, shall stop me from giving! Thank you, oh divine ones! I'll make you proud!

A Date with the Overdressed, a Land of Tires and a Good Role Model for Today's Youth

Knowing it was a holiday weekend, knowing there were only a few sales advertised, knowing it rained all day yesterday, knowing that a crazy cold front had come in and turned our balmy Carolinas into a wintery hell, I still could not take a Saturday off. I think I would spontaneously combust if I ever sat out a saling adventure. I just have to! Jane (who's lost that lovin' feelin') stayed home and spent time with her family. Whatever! Not I. I actually hopped in that freezing van with my mother-in-law in tow and hit the high seas! How's that for quality family time?!

Surprisingly, we got to the first sale just as the lady was opening her garage. We got quite the look of detest as she saw us pulling up 10 minutes early. Luckily there was a sale a few blocks away so we thought it best if we give our non-morning girl a few minutes to set up. The other sale wasn't much but I did get my boy a Spiderman puzzle that wasn't even opened yet! My Christmas shopping is going much too well so early in the game! After that we went back to the Evil Eye but she had nothing but crap anyway. Or did she? Maybe she was just waiting for us pull away. I blame my mother-in-law for this (as I often do for everything) because she got waaay to dressed up for our morning out complete with zebra scarf and high heeled boots! How are we supposed to make the people feel sorry for us when I bring the Housewives of New Jersey with me? Beginners!

Next up was an inside/outside sale! Loooove these! Unfortunately these usually mean that a loved one has passed but I'm sure they have furniture stores in heaven. Honestly, most of the individuals who have 'gone-to-a-greater-place' are going to be tickled that they can score some new surroundings. I don't want to be struck by lightening or anything but what loads of shit people carry with them into their golden years! This sale (among other crap) had at least 15 truck tires for sale. How does that happen? Sure I might collect old rolling pins and some might find that weird but at least they're pretty and don't take up much room. These were 15 odd tires in an array of shapes (ok, maybe not shapes; round has proven to be the standard when it comes to tires) but an array of sizes. Wait a minute. Come to think of it, they would have made some good tire swings. Could have fit all the kids on my block with one of those bad boys! Darn it! I'll have to get one at the next sale with multiple truck tires. I did get a large have-a-heart-trap to protect my chickens from raccoons and possum and the like. And also I got a large metal cart if ever I am to hunt the flea markets again. I think such a purchase has put me into the category as one of THEM but I can mask my destiny no longer. I've got the tattoos. It was either carnie or Saturday morning junker and at least this keeps me home with my family. I wonder if there are any spots open at my kid's career day........."First kids, never get too intoxicated the night before you go saling. It messes with your game. Next, always jew down the prices. People really just want more room in their garages for next year's collection of stuff to be brought out for another yard sale. Next, kids and most importantly, always dress like you're homeless. It helps in the jewing down process. Any questions"? Oh I see prom king and queen in their future!!!! Hell, people only wear those outfits once. You know I can score a good deal! Aren't puffy sleeves coming back in style anyway?

Ok, back to saling and away from potential Linda Evans look-a-likes.........so the next sale I got my boy a really cute American flag sweater. It's too big and I know he'll never wear it because it doesn't have a cartoon character on it but I love all things flag so I'll be happy to put his clothes away beside it all season long. Maybe if I tell him it will make him an American hero like Superman he might sport it. Wish me luck!

The next sale was also an inside/outside sale (may they rest in peace)! We got there 20 minutes early and they made us wait every bit of it. When we were finally unleashed inside there were no price tags on anything. Such torture! I ran right to a great bench but how long was I to linger by it when I knew that there were so many other treasures yet to be explored! I finally got the lady's attention and she said the bench was $20. That was a great price but that would have taken all of my money so I had to walk away from the booty. That is a decision that is still haunting me so I must move on. I did walk out of there with a stupendous magazine table (at least that's what I think it is), a great Caribbean-esque painting, a small step stool and a little treasure chest. Ooooh? Should I have gotten the bench? Thing is, it would have been something I would sell and it's more of a spring seller so I do believe that I made the right call but................oooohh..........eeeerrrr.........ahhhhh.............did I? Sigh.

It only makes my brain struggle worse because the next sale was a bust and the last sale all I got was a bread box so really I could have gone into my best homeless routine and gotten all of my finds in one swoop. Oh such a life I lead! The pressure could drive me to drink. Just not on a Friday night!!!!!!

Belly Dancing, a Fecal Joy Ride and Next Year's Action Figures

Today was THE SHIT!!!!!!!! Totally the shit!!!!! Unfortunately I mean that literally. Last sale of the day I not only stepped in dog shit, I slid across a home owner's driveway in it. To boot, as I started to write this entry I could still smell my fecal surprise and realized it had gotten on the cuff of my pants. When I asked the Yard Sale Gods last week for an offering for my birthday weekend I was not expecting pet waste. Very funny Oh-Divine-Ones! At least I know when I go up to shabbitize heaven there'll be some knee slappin'! I want to write more but I fear for next week. I shan't upset thy spirits!

Ok, so I painfully got up at the butt crack of dawn and headed to sale #1. It was a church sale so I had to beat the freaks. I rushed there with my windows still dripping with condensation from leaving them open last night but I know better than to wipe the insides and leave droplet marks only to reappear when the sun later shines in and renders you blinded heading into oncoming traffic. Been there. Done that. Not this time. So, I'm off to the church with my head out the window like a beagle in 36 degrees because I must get there first and then I see it. Technically, yes, it was in fact at a church but it was one lady with one table of no longer needed infant crap. Obviously it was a drive by but in my cold, tired and pissy state, a little bubble appeared above my head and I thought, "wouldn't it be great if it was a drivethrough!" There'd be baby bjorns and those little blue snot suckers everywhere!!! Oh to do it just once! Just once!

Well, I didn't, so on I went to the second sale. This one was in the almost forbidden Pine Valley. Not only does Ol' P.V. have crazy winding streets that get me lost every time but all the streets are named after confederate generals and after a few wrong turns one begins to think that Robert E. Lee Drive could actually win this war. Not the case today though. I escaped unscathed. I even hit a freestyle and scored a super cute Superman bike for my boy for Christmas. I bought it from THE cutest little old man too. He even offered to carry it to my van with his little shuffle. Oh, how I wish I could swipe him up and bring him to Thanksgiving dinner! I just love little old men! Just call me Anna Nicole!

The other two sales in the dreaded P.V. were crap. We'll just chalk those up to a navigational confidence builder. I did see The Nemesis, however. And wouldn't you know that rat bastard had all kinds of chairs protruding from his truck. He must be stopped! He's turning me into Lex Luther! I want to be the superhero! I want superpowers!!!!! I wonder if I rip his shirt off if he's clad in latex with a giant J for Junkman? Now I can look forward to buying a Junkman action figure at next year's yard sales. I guess he would be more marketable than a YSM doll complete with fraying homeless person gloves. Why is it always Junkman, Junkman, Junkman?!!!!! Ugh!!! I'll get you yet!

Moving on........... I then went to a sale at a preschool (never a good sign) but I did get a painting of Psychiatry books and when I took the masking tape price tag off it left goo on it and tipped my buyer's remorse scale to a frightening degree. Psychiatry books? Really, Chrissy? Who is going to buy such art? Maybe I can use it to barter when I finally accept I need therapy. There ya go. There's a plan. Ugh.

So, after that I hit a freestyle but not just any freestyle. It was a pull-all-my-crap-out-of-a-U-haul freestyle! Oh Nellie do I love these!!! The freaky long, grey haired dude couldn't pull his crap out fast enough for me. I could see some dark wood but I just couldn't make out what they formed. Turned out to be two great solid chairs beyond perfect for the shabitization process. I'm trying to stay away from yet some more chairs but these were worth breaking the rules for. A lovely score indeed!

The next sale I bought some more action figures for my son for Christmas (no, no Junkman) but what really made the score great was that it was a mom who was having the sale and her son was home from college and she won't sell his toys without waking him up so she got him out of bed and he proceeded to tell me what all of their names were and what all the accessories were for. He was great! It was like Andy in Toy Story 3! So cute!

After that I got my baby a pair of much needed jeans even though his high waters are almost at the point of being those cool-kid long shorts so we'll see after his next growth spurt if they were really that great a score.

And then came the shit. So, I was so excited because my last sale had tons of girlie girl dresses hanging down from their porch. Unfortunately there seemed to be a wide range of sizes so I had to step into their bushes a bit to see the tags up close and that's when it happened. I didn't know I had stepped into a canine land mine until I hit their sloping pavement. I didn't know what the hell happened! It was literally like I stepped on a skateboard complete with flailing arms and eyes aghast. The homeowner apologized but I just 'poo pooed' it off like that always happens at yard sales. I tried to be polite and twist in her grass hoping to dislodge some of the doggie defecation but to no avail. Since I was mortified to get into my van with the excrement I continued to walk her 3 tables over and over. I'm lucky I did too because I found my daughter a pair of Christmas Pajamas which she needs by next week when she'll be on a float for the Christmas parade, I also got her an adorable red wool(like) pea coat and last but my fav of the day....da da dah.......a 'Learn how to Belly Dance for your Husband' album by none other than Sonny Lester (whoever he is). Not only is the vinyl in perfect condition but it has instuctions!!!!! INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!! You test me, Yard Sale Gods but you also grant me this token. I'm forever your disciple! When you chose to take me I will rejoice. Not only that, I shall do a titillating dance!!!! Hallelujah!!!! I've seen the light!

Please Shop @ Northrop's. Santa Has Some Credit Card Debt