BABUSHKA BABE

Today was bizarre. Simply bizarre. My list of sales was so long yet they pretty much all sucked. Jane's friend Melissa tagged along with us. We figured since she's moving to Louisiana in a week she shouldn't pose too much of a threat. Not a problem. Nothing to be had. Nada!

Our first stop was a church (and you know I love these!) but all I found was a painting of a lighthouse. It's signed by 'Jason' so I'm sure it will be highly sought after at Southeby's someday. The next ten it seemed like were all kid's shit and clothes. Why? Why?

It appeared all we were doing was driving around and having girl talk this morning. In the midst of our Chatty Cathy Hour however, we did see a woman in a babushka and a long immigrant-esque frock running- make that sprinting down a busy street. I'd say she was Russian but I don't want you to think I'm paranoid about the Soviets or anything. I'm sure they're all lovely vodka drinking folk. What's crazy about her dashing about was that we had passed her by quite a bit and then Melissa finally said, "What the hell was that?" That's when the scene struck us as odd. Melissa must think we always see foreigners on the move early Saturday morning. (I hope Jason Bourne wasn't on her tail! He'd better have had a scope, though. She could have given Marion Jones a run for her money even WITH the enhancement drugs!!)

Back to saling...really, the whole day sucked and it hurts to relive it. I did score a good, sturdy chair, a cabinet, an Atlas jar with lid and a 'Safe Seal' jar with lid (never saw that name before), a doll crib and my fav of the day......a germicidal disinfectant jar that a barber would put combs in the mystery blue liquid but I think I'll put straws in because nothing says 'have a nice refreshing drink at my house' like one served beside a germicidal disinfectant jar!

Several of my friends have commented on this blog about my perhaps being a hoarder. I'm starting to think they could very well be right. If they were any friends at all, though, they'd get me the professional help I need! Maybe next week I can buy some new friends for a buck! (Well......maybe 50 cents.) Maybe the Babushka Babe needs a friend. I'd better gas up before I go looking for her. She could be in Maryland by now!! Maybe I could introduce her to The Russian and he wouldn't have to (insert accent) 'go back to his country'! Oh, I'm gonna have so much fun with my new BFF! See ya, Jane!

Great frame from a few weeks ago with my daughter's portrait of me (son of god is behind me).

First pic is of my blocks from last week spelling 'beach.'

Second is today's 'C C' blocks.

Third is last week's blocks spelling 'eat, drink, sip.'

Fourth is today's rusty wheel.

Thank god for the Russian!

*Note to self: When the weatherman calls for thunderstorms over Memorial Day weekend, stay the fuck in bed! Of course, not a drop fell but the threat was enough for the sales to be minimal.

(If this yard sale/resale biz doesn't pan out, I think I want to be meteorologist. Maybe after intensive schooling I can finally figure out the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny.)

Now that I've worked out Plan B I can tell you about my morning. Jane joined me on today's adventures. There's so much I want to write about that but in order to keep her as my friend I must refrain. For those of you reading this who know her, her "issues for some tissues" were in full force! Ok, I really have to move on. I shan't, I musn't!!!!!

So, we're running late and usually Jane would make up for this by breaking the sound barrier in her Escalade but today she was a little off and we coasted to not 1, not 2 but 6 yard sales before we even stopped to get out. Apparently today was Get Rid of Baby Shit Day. People, no one wants your 0-6 month stained onsies!!!! Finally a sale was inside so we were forced to put the car in park and go inside but when we did not only was there complete crap but her prices were insane. I really wanted a shelf but she wanted $15 for it (should have been $2) so I asked if she could come down at all and snippy as hell she replied, "No! Not this early!" What a snatch! Then Jane tells me that she got snippy with her for buying a $2 mirror with a $20. The sweaty, witch haired, snatch even said, "Don't you know to bring singles to yard sales!" To which Jane replied, "We do this all the time. Don't you know to have change for people at your yard sales?!" As if!!! Doesn't she know who we are? She really got my panties in a bunch!

Well! After that we happened upon an unadvertised yard sale (freestyle!) and I finally bought a weird rusty wheel with a rod through it (I was getting fucking desperate!) and a cheesy hanging pot rack (?). Oh, and I picked up 2 old blocks and they were both c's (my initials) so I needed them (??).

When I got back into the truck I was down right depressed. I bought a bunch of shit and now my hands had icky rusty filth on them. Oh! And a guy who got there after me found behind some tools a giant Willy Wonka head! Someone definitely had used it for target practice but I think that made it even cooler. Man, I can't believe a professional like me let that get past me! (You know I blame Cruella Deville for making me off my game!!!)

So, a few more sales and a few more people observing Get Rid of Baby Shit Day. (I hate them and their babies!) Luckily on the way home we saw a sign for another unadvertised, freestyle sale and when we drove up to the house we remembered The Russian! We were at his yard sale a few months back and we both got stuff but I can't remember what but what made us really remember the sale was The Russian giving us his sob story (please insert accent) about breaking up with his girlfriend and having to move back to his country. Just imagine that last sentence lasting 20 minutes! Good lord, we were hoping Homeland Security or Jason Bourne would assassinate him right there just to put a stop to his whining! We felt for him (really we did) but we we're under a time constraint! Oh, so, back to today.....we both agreed not to smile or even make eye contact with The Russian and luckily I was able to get 2 fantastic end tables. He started the 'Move Back to My Country' schpeil but I cut him off at the beginning with, "Will you take 10?" and (insert accent again) "because I have to move back to my counrty...................OK."

We will miss you Mullet Crowned Russian Man. (But then again we bade our farewells last time and you dodged Jason Bourne once before.) See you in a few months!

RIP little squirrel!!

So, my friend turned 40 and some of the gals met downtown to celebrate. Celebrate we did. Now I'm feeling ill and can't get 'Bringin' Sexy Back' out of my head. What the hell was in those pretty pink drinks? Why do I keep breaking Rule #1? Why was I dancing with that very young boy? Can someone say Cougar Town?

Having said that.......yard saling was pretty good today. Jane, my fellow cougar, made it out today as well. The first stop was a little rough. I really just walked through the motions of saling but my mind was not functioning yet. The second stop was slightly better. I did get a nice globe on a wooden stand but I saw a great Radio Flyer wagon and I didn't feel like asking how much it was and then some lady bought it and it really pissed me off. Why the hell did i just stare at it? Damn pretty pink drinks!!!

Take me off the bench, coach!!

I think we did a few more after that but it's a bit of a blur.........until the church! Hot dog was that a good stop!! I got an old silver ice chest that will make a great GREAT toy box (fav of the day!), a booster seat, a scrabble game, a helmet, a mini dresser that I guess is for jewelry but I'm not sure, an old scale, a sailboat book, The Time Travelor's Wife book, a sun tea jar that will make a swell vase, a stool and some great blocks! The only bummer was that the girl over charged me by $3 and I didn't say anything. I'm not going to be able to sleep for a week now. I seriously want to go back to that church and demand justice! I don't care if they're going on a mission. I'm going on a mission too- to get my mother fuckin $3 back!

Ok, I needed a moment. Now I'm back.

So as if life hadn't shit on me enough, after that, I'm driving along..la la la...and a damn squirrel runs into the road. As a younger driver I would have swerved but as a veteran driver I know that squirrels always ALWAYS dodge the car and avoid their death but wouldn't you know it we looked out the rear view mirror and there's my fluffy little friend convulsing in the street. I hit the son of a bitch! And it didn't die! Half of it was squished but the other half was bouncing back and forth like a cat toy. It was awful! And my 'friend' keep doing her best squirrel voice saying "I want my mama." Now the bad karma's on her. I wanted a moment of silence but noooo she had to make fun! I think she just wanted to bring me down because she had a cat die a ferocious death on the side of her house and she didn't give it a proper burial and now she has among a stench, maggots and flies of a biblical proportion in her basement. We all know who the real animal hater is, don't we?

Back to saling.....ummm....ok, so, then I got a batman costume for my boy, 2 really cute (although new) tins and 35 painted fish. That's right. Thirty five fucking painted fish. I don't know what the fuck made me buy 35 fish. Thirty Five fish. I still can't even process that myself. They're cheesy as hell! We live in a beach town so a few might sell but 35!!! What if they don't? Why did Jane let me buy them? Why am I friends with that girl? Thirty five fucking fish!
I might need another moment......ok, I'm ok. So, last but not least, I'm very excited to report, at the final stop, I got another sleeping bag. What is so significant about this outdoor bedding is that the sleeping bag I currently use when we go camping I also got at a yard sale and the guy I bought it from was an ex-Army man and he said he slept in this thing at 20 below zero and I had to have it. It doesn't even get to 20 above zero here but I bought his pitch. Well! The fucking thing isn't rectangular. It's cone shaped! And when you're in it, it feels like a fucking sarcophagus! Why not a little leg room? I'm terrified in that thing! Who would have designed such a torture chamber? Maybe it was originally intended for prisoners of war to keep them bound. I have no idea but I'm glad I'll never have to sleep like a Nazi luger again! Thank you, yard sale gods! Another great week!

Grand slam, bottom of the 9th!

I was beginning to think I was being punished by the yard sale gods for breaking rule #1 but turns out the big saler in the sky makes pardons for Friday night bingers and came through for me in the end.
My first sale was a little rough. Without the proper amount of oxygen to my brain I was having difficulty deciding on an old print in a beautiful frame. They wanted $5 for it but it had weird stains and pictures don't really sell well and I walked around with this fucker for 10 minutes, put it down, stared at it some more, backed up, moved forward, did the hokie pokie and turned myself around, stared some more, then finally the lady came over and said, "How about $1?" Thank god she did. I could very well still be there right now had she not. It's funny how decisions become difficult when you're fighting the urge to dry heave.
So, now I'm in business. I have a fucked up print that I'm stuck with and a dollar the poorer. But at least I got out of there. The next stop was bullshit. They too must have broken rule #1 because they decided not to even wake up to sell their crap.
The next three I wish danced last night with lamp shades on their heads and didn't make me awkwardly walk up to their tables of shit and have to look at a few things out of politeness because they're just standing there smiling but really I just wanted to run, make that bolt, back to my van and wipe the Walmart cooties off my hands.
The next was a church sale and I was pissed because I got there early but there were a bunch of cockroaches already picking through my goodies. One just never knows with church yard sales. Some old bitties will make you wait till 8:00 on the dot and then some will let you in an hour early. Do I go there early and stand around with the other carnies or get some more saling in? The life of the yard sale junkie ain't easy. Anyhow, I bought a picnic basket, a pair of pink flippers for my daughter and the book The Shack. Did anyone read this? I know I saw a lot of people reading it a while back so I bought it but read the back really quickly as I got in the van and all I saw was something about believing in God's existence. Oh boy. Not sure it's for me. It's seems there's a religious theme here today though.
My next stop I bought an old OLD bible stand. It's in a bunch of pieces and I'm not even sure it will assemble anything when I'm done but again my brain ain't right today so it will probably sit in my purgatory garage for a few years until it goes out in my own yard sale some day. I am leaning toward the gods not letting this work out for me because the next sale (my home run with bases loaded!!) I bought a picture of The Lord in the most beautiful frame you could imagine (and you know damn well the Son Of God's getting the boot!). I also got a fucking sweet old glass pickle jar (my fave of the day), an old stool and a really old Scrabble board. That stop made up for all my needless driving earlier and I venture to say, knocked the shakes out of my shands.
On the way home I also got a nice hardcover decorating book and was forced to cough up $2.50 because the little old lady having the sale just got through telling me how she was having such a hard time because her arthritis was so bad in her hands that she was having trouble giving back the change. How could I ask if she'd take a dollar after that speech? Do you believe her? I might go back later and pretend I'm a Jehovah's Witness and see how those hands look then. I bet she could flip me the bird just fine when I try to push one of those damn Watchtowers on her. I like her style though. Gotta make the sale!

why so grumpy?

I was in a grumpy mood last night and sure as shit woke up a grumpy dog this morning. Even when I pulled in the driveway with my goods for the day, I was still pissy. Then, as I looked at my mound of gold, I just turned that frown upside down. All in all, it was a great morning!

So it began with my best yard sale bitch, Jane. Jane broke rule #1 of saling (which is not to drink the night before) and was having stomach issues. This took us on a few detours to bathrooms but really didn't slow us down much (she's lucky!). Our first few were a bust (really helping my mood). Especially the restaurant that's been advertising for weeks and nothin'! They're lucky they have awesome freak-show karaoke on Friday nights or I'd boycott them for good!
Then we pulled up on one that I thought was going to be some college girls selling their lava lamps but it turned out pretty swell. I got a fantastic old metal fireplace insert. It's fucking beautiful! Unfortunately it had 100 year old soot though and through me in a tizzy because my hands were filthy. Morning dew and a napkin saved the day though. (Honestly, I could never shower again and live a happy life but a little dirt on my pinky and I'm scrubbing like a surgeon). So, neuroses aside, off to the next one.
This scored me a mirror and a cheesy lazy susan that I'm thinking will shabby nicely. We'll see.
From there we went to a sale that our other yard sale buddy was having. We see her every week but she's so damn nice we just can't hate her. I want to. I just can't. Her shit was great too! I got a terrific rocking chair that's perfect as is (rare!!!!), an old ice bucket (I have a thing for these) and a doughboy table. Fitting these in Jane's truck was interesting, however. Luckily our Tetris skills paid off and we pulled away like we were crossing the border!
Next I paid too much for a step stool (especially since Jane bought the most fantabulous old chess set for a mother fucking dollar and she told me five for the new step stool! Seriously!) Well, I got it for $3 but still! The nerve of some people!
Ok, I'm getting worked up again.........namiste...........ok, I'm good. So, then we went to a big yard sale. Looking back, what the hell was that? I don't think it was a church. Was it a senior home? Not sure. It was good though. Jane, the whore, got an amazing school map of Wilmington (may her grandchildren have hare lip!!!) but I did get a cheesy print in a fantastic frame, a globe in golds I've never seen before, 2 great bulky odd matching chairs, a book of barns and my fav of the day....a pair of old wooden salt and pepper shakers or actually "Salty and Peppy" as they're named and they have painted faces on them and they're red and I can't believe my kitchen's made it this far without them! My life is complete.
At that point we were driving with one of the chairs in my lap (and jabbing into my gut) with it's partner about to give Jane traumatic brain injury if she stopped too short. Luckily we made it back to my driveway without my ever having to feed Jane through a tube.
Looking back, not a bad day. Why was I such a douche?

Must be May 1st

Good God! The yard sale season (and humidity) has officially begun!!!! There were so many sales this morning I had to drive past some! I was a solo warrior again this week. Jane fell victim to too many margaritas poolside last night. I've learned the hard way that Friday night you keep your alcoholic intake to a minimum. Dry heaving out the window makes for bad saling.
My first stop was one I knew was going to be a driveby. It was the only 6 a.m. sale so I had no choice but to put it first on my list. This church always has yard sales and not once has there ever been more than 2 tables of crap. How much could they possibly make on that? Why not sleep in?
So, after that, was another church that just had a sale a few weeks ago but close proximity made it stop number two. When I pulled up, right away I spotted an old green chalkboard in a white frame that was fantastic. It did have a split in the wood and the guy running the sale went on and on about how to fix it with caulk (Please! You use wood filler dumb ass with a touch of paint!) So, as Bob Vila is educating me on quality woodworking, an old man walks up and is checking out an end table that is great. He asks Mr. Vila how much and agrees to the price but says that he's going to look around some more. After a few minutes I ask Mr. Vila if the old guy is going to get the end table and he says, "Oh no. He wanted the coffee table." I'm sure that's not what he wanted but I snake it anyway. There's no rules in yardsaling. It's fucking primal!!! When I pay the man, however, I notice I only have a few dollars in my wad. There should have been several 20's! So I ran back to my van not only because I could have taken the old man in a foot race but because I'm totally stressed I've lost money. So, I drove back to my house (good time for a dump anyway) and sure enough in my wallet are the 20's. How in the world did I only grab half my money? Maybe I should have a NO alcohol on Friday nights policy.

With an empty van I then went to the church sale I was giddy about all week. The past few years we have done great there. I had to wait with the rest of the professional yard sale carnies until doors opened at 7. My self-diagnosed restless leg syndrome was at an all-time high. I know the others thought I was on crack. I just get so darn excited!! Too bad it was a flop. What little they had was waaaay overpriced and total garbage. I did get a scrabble board (with dark stained letters- classy!) and a to-go coffee mug (you can never have enough).
After that, I was headed to a different church when I spotted a not-on-the-list church yard sale! Hot damn! I had to pass it to park and apparently the church was also giving away free dental in a tent (I know...WTF?) and I had to be escorted by parking attendants! Parking attendants!! I almost ran the sons of bitches over because I really wanted an end table that was right in the front. I got out of my van and ran like the crackhead I am to the piece of furniture. It wasn't as wonderful as I thought but still had potential. I also got 2 aluminum thermoses for my kids (ya gotta go green people!).
I then headed to an 8 o'clock yard sale in another church that I knew from past experience would let you in at 7:30. That church is usually one of my favorites but just like the other one, it was so damn pricey!!! They actually got me for $4 on a damn picnic basket (FOUR DOLLARS!!) I tried to get her to come down in price but she said (a little too snippy for me) that since the yard sale didn't officially even open yet that she was sticking to her prices. I was torn but bought it anyway. It really is cool because it's smaller and more shallow than most picnic baskets but $4??!! I also got a red handled (which I collect) Scandinavian Krumkake Iron, a vintage little suitcase (that has a mirror when opened and I think will look so cute with rolled up wash rags in!) and an old souvenir tray from Jamaica (might be my favorite of the day). None the less I was so pissy when I left there due to their inflated pricing. I was having some serious buyer's remorse but my piss and vinegar turned to honey when I got to a big community yard sale! There were so many cars and people and sales it was like the Las Vegas strip! I did a few drivebys then came to a cul-du-sac that was exploding! After some grid lock, I found a place to park. The first sale was massive with amazing antiques but the first two items I inquired about were both $80 each. I almost went on to the next one when I spotted an old metal type writer table. Luckily it was priced more accordingly and will paint up so nicely so it was a keeper. I walked to a few more sales but nothing good. I drove a little further and scored some fabulous old billiard balls and a surf poster for my son's room. Then another sale I got two great end tables and an Atlas jar with the lid. Moving right along, I got an amazing chair that Jane is going to LOVE and might even be her birthday present (Ha ha! You don't know what it looks like, Jane!!) My last stop (only because of my husband's shitty job and I had to go home) I got another scrabble game and a wonderful old crate that I could tell she really didn't want to part with but I guess the $3 was enough to make it worth it for her. Really?

Ok, that wraps up another fine morning. Off I go to play with my new toys. This is gonna be a fine day!!! Thank you, yard sale gods!!

Yardsale Mama