Reminiscence, Porn and Forced Heavy Drinking

Well.......it's not like a gal can have a week like last week every week. Today didn't suck, per se, but let's just say I'm not as high on yard sale crack as I was only seven short days ago. (Is there anything like methadone for that? Would be nice.) So, I woke with the chickens so I could be the first one at my 6:30 sale but I couldn't find the damn thing. This made me fifteen minutes early to a church sale that didn't start until 7. As I've said before, it is unwritten law that thou shall not let yard salers in early to a church sale or the members of the establishment will be forced into a life of limbo. Why that is the case, I have no idea but Moses himself could not part the oak doors of any place of worship. Amen. So, there I was with the weird-old-guy telling me about his gout and the down-on-her-luck younger lady who 'wish[ed] [she] had on [her] girdle because the wind [was] going right through her'. Only there was no wind. We were standing in the middle of the church's courtyard. Normally I would have wanted to bust down the doors with my restless legs going a mile a minute, back and forth, back and forth, but this time, luck had it that I looked up and really took notice of how beautiful this church was. I could write an entire blog entry on the beautiful brick dental moulding alone but for fear of losing you to a game of Bejeweled Blitz on facebook, I will

resist the urge. I will say, however, that it's a real shame in 2011, true artisans are held back from delighting us with their gifts just for the sheer prohibitive cost of their execution. Sure, some billionaire's pad in Aspen is probably quite lovely but this was a church built in 1889 (only 122 years ago) for common people to enjoy. There's no way that could be built today for us normal folk. Are we really that advanced if we're forced to live and worship in boring rectangular shells? It's not that I want to go back to washing my unmentionables on a washboard and shredding my knuckles to bits nor do I want to churn my own butter but there's just something about the beauty of the past that puts a smile on my face. What also put a smile on my face was beating those two freaks through the church doors when Betty and Edith FINALLY let us in! My grin was short lived, unfortunately, because all I got was a lousy metal bowl with a German theme that I'm pretty sure is newer but for 50 cents and desperation to get something, it's all I left with.

Next up was a total joke. The delusional woman had prices on her goods that were seriously higher than an antique store! Luckily on my way back to my van her friend pulled up with an old barrel that she sold me for $7. Still more than I like to spend but without my methadone, I needed my fix.

After that, I got a super cute vintage dress for a buck that looks super cute on the hanger but the elastic, empire waist will probably fit me like Raggedy Ann in a porno. One dollar is a small price to pay for an early morning belly laugh though!

At my next sale, I thought I was going to strike gold because it too was at a church and I've done very well here before but that was before. This time I got a wooden box....again, the yard sale version of a methadone boost.

The next three continued to help in my sobriety. Plastic. Shit. China. WTF????

My final attempt up at bat was a community sale where I got an old, large milk jug, a scrabble board, a jewelry box and my fav of the day......a brand new......still in the box.......'5 person family condo' tent!!!!! AND it comes with 2 chairs, 2 sleeping bags, a flashlight, a cooler and my favorite, four 'beverage' koozies because this tent was made for double fisting, ya'll!!!! I'm so excited! Just in time for camping on the beach, fires, s'mores,stars, confederate flags (It's Carolina Beach. What can I say?) Once agian, cheers to you, Yard Sale Gods! Oh, actually, what do you know! Cheers again!!

Items Headed to Northrop's Antiques Mall

Top: Befores of multi tiered shelf, plate shelf, low carved table, leaf tray, jewelry box and stool.

Middle: Multi tiered shelf after shabbitization process.

Bottom: Afters

For Sale @ Ivy Cottage, Ya'll!!!

Euphoria, Fine Dining and Horn Playing

Oh what a beautiful morning! Oh what a beautiful day!!!! That's what I'm talkin' about!!!! One of my favorite yard sale days EVER!!!! It started out slow but once my momentum got going.....there was no stopping me!!

Ok, I'll try to focus and start from the beginning. Ok. Ok. Here I go. (Did I mention I had a great day?) So! As I said, my first few were just a Saturday morning tour of greater Wilmington. Nothing but crap from Walmart and kid's crap (probably also from Walmart). Three in total that were a complete waste of precious gas. Then number four turned my world around! I got a terrific multi tiered shelf with spindles that will shabbitize like you wouldn't believe!! I also got a cute old pie server with a glass base and a tin lid. Very cute!! (Have two others just like it! [and I don't even bake!!]) Umm, I also got a teenie little toy mixer with a green handle from the '40's which I used to collect but now I'm all about the red! And potentially my favorite of the sale, I got a cheesy boring stool for a dollar but I bought a similar one a few weeks ago and painted a Union Jack on the seat and then shabbized (which helped a bundle due to my painting skills) it came out great! It now lives in my dining room complete with an old English Staffordshire cup and saucer set whimsically perched on top. It looks so fancy! Do you hear that? Don't worry. It's just me tooting my own horn!

My next clump of sales were in the same neighborhood which I wasn't sure were going to be good because these folks always know what they have and aren't fooled by the seemingly homeless woman offering them singles for their precious rejects. Until today!!! I got a super cute old carry-on suitcase in aqua that even still has the insert for one's jewelery or cosmetics or heroin (hey, I don't know these people!). I got an old Avon (I believe) cookie jar in the shape of a chief (which I've bought and sold before). And finally.......drum roll please........oh I'm so excited I can barely utter the words..........finally......... after sitting at a dining room table set atop children's blocks because it was too low to slide your limbs under and the damn blocks would get kicked out somehow causing lava hot mashed potatoes to glide into the lap of my guests.............finally.............I got a new (to me) dining room table!!!!!!! But not just any dining room table! Oh no! It's a fabulous English pub table, probably from the teens (at least) with beautiful legs and two leafs that slide out from under it, making it so long even Jesus and John the Baptist would have been envious!!! I just love it so much! It was a bitch to get in the van but with some maneuvering coupled with my mastery of Tetris, it fit like a glove!! And the smell!! It made my whole van reminiscent of and old church! I still can't believe I scored it! Hell if I don't hear those horns again!! Ahhhh....(big smile)!

Well, now the van was packed to maximum capacity (for the average Joe) but on I went. The top of the table was making it difficult to put the van in drive but that just added to the excitement. Plus, I loved stiffing it so it really worked out well! I managed to also fit a small carved table, a vintage Christmas tablecloth, a hanging plate shelf, a wooden tray, an old flag, a wooden jewelery box and finally a really interesting side table that will benefit greatly from the shabbitization process!!! What a stupendous day!!!! I even went to one more sale that wouldn't be worthy of mention except one of the ladies had just pulled in with HOT Krispy Kreme doughnuts!!! Free!!!!! Is it my birthday or something? Man!! Life is good! Life is really good! Toot, toot!!!!

Evil Jane, Holy Guidance and Another Gift from my Boyfriend

Despite Jane's best efforts to sabotage my day of saling, I made it out and what a morning I had!!! I overslept by a half hour because after coming home late last night from Jane's, I accidentally set the alarm clock for p.m. I was also up all night after she gave me a Claritin which had my heart racing as I tossed and turned! I should have suspected her evil intentions when she invited me over to watch a movie yesterday (The Fighter- LOVED it!!!) and what do you know, 'How about a glass of wine?' Normally I could not resist the urge of the spirits but a post nasal drip/sore throat combo gave me the power to 'just say no!' But could she stop there? Nooooo! She had to push her speed on me! She knows Rule #1! Just because her daughter had a soccer game this morning doesn't mean she should interfere with my good fortune! Well! Wouldn't you know, my best score was at the very school Jane's daughter goes to! Poor thing. As if her hangover wasn't enough!

So, I raced out of the house like a crazy lady. I had to skip my first sale since it was too far out of my cluster of other sales. It wouldn't have mattered though because I was still in such a fog at my first sale that I really can't even tell you what was there. Or where it was.

My next sale, I purchased something I desperately needed. A bunch of hangers! We've been so low on these lately but I refused to buy them (at full price) since I'd seen them before at previous sales and what do you know! Now if I could only buy a decent closet I'd be in business.

The sales that followed were dreadful. I went to six in a row that were a complete waste of time (and precious gas!). Then my luck changed.

It turned around when I went to a sale and they had a great old suitcase marked FREE! It was as though the Yard Sales Gods placed it there themselves as guidance to get back on my horse and continue my good work! Leaving that sale I even saw a sign for a freestyle that would turn out to be my greatest achievement of the day! St. Mary's Outreach fundraiser!

It was held in the basement and as soon as I descended the stairs I just knew! There was great shit everywhere! First I grabbed a terrific painting off the wall. Then another one! Then I got not one but two old metal fans (as I've said in a prior post, best for enhancing even the worst Darth Vader impression when spoken into the spinning blades [just not too close or your nose will be history!]). I got a lame, metal wine holder with a fish that I'll paint and perfect. I got two fantastic old shoe forms, a dated shelf where you clip on the rounded levels (see pic; can't describe), an old black door knob, a cheesy metal Woodie beach truck, a vintage Pennsylvania Dutch tray and finally a stupendous vintage pitcher with red (yes, RED) stripes!!! What a fabulous stop!!! To think it wasn't even on my list!!! Wow!

After that I almost just drove home to admire my finds but it was still early enough so back again on my horse I went. Nothing to compare to my last sale but I did get two old insulators (can a girl have enough?) and at my last stop, an old mirror. What a day! But wait! There's more! No, not a Ginsu knife or some Oxiclean but a wee little bottle that I found in my van that I bought from my boyfriend's sale a few weeks ago that must have been forgotten due to it's tiny little size. She already looks just perfect in my old printer's drawer that I have hanging in my living room displaying other wee little things that I just love but curse like a sailor at when I dare dust the shelf and it's collection of wee little crap. Luckily, that doesn't take place often.

Oh, Mighty Divine Ones! Thank you once again for leading me on such a blessed path! I shall continue to paint, shabbitize and oil to make ye proud! Amen.

My New Platform, The Asian Invasion and Hypocrisy

I tell you what, if it wasn't for my one decent pop, I would be one testy little grump this morn! I kind of figured I would be off to a slow start since there were only three 7's on my route but mercy! I even added 3 freestyles to my pre-eight agenda but nothin'! When I become president (or I settle for mayor) I will pass a law that if you buy something from Walmart (you should be fined just for that) but under no circumstances should you be allowed to pawn it off to another. Their punishment will be not only a hefty fine (in all singles of course [It's good to be the king!!!]) but a mandatory subscription to Elle Decor magazine or House Beautiful because clearly these poor bastards have no idea what to bring into their homes. Furthermore, all wood from the fake forest will be confiscated as will ANY item made to look like an antique. People!! Why buy a cheesy version of vintage when the real deal is probably cheaper and will typically resell for more than you paid for it? These seem like such obvious rules to live by but are being broken in staggering numbers! I truly fear for the well being of our nation. I can't believe Hollywood hasn't made a disaster epic on how the great U. S. of A. is taken down by the effects of of cheap plastic crap from China! Guys, we can not let them win! repeat after me; 'Walmart is the Enemy'! 'Walmart is the Enemy'!

How do you always get me so off course like this? What the hell was I talking about? Oh, yes. Not one single thing yet. So!

Finally I got to my eights. My first sale was a bust but then number two was a dream! I believe I can still hear the angels singing. Well, it really wasn't that spectacular but let's face it, my standards have gotten very low this winter. You judge for yourself...... I got a great old drop leaf table that needs painting but will be a gem when she's beautified! I got an old stool which needs a little glue and some clamps but a small obstacle (I hope!). I got a great wooden wine rack that has a lot of good detail to paint and shabbitize and my fav of the day.....a super cool vintage camera case. I first thought I would use it for the new camera I keep dreaming I will get any day now but should I continue to be forced to use my daughter's point-and-shoot, I think my new purchase would make a spiffy purse. The leather will only get snazzier as it ages too. A real find!!!

So, after that, I got a fantastic old oak armchair that looks great already in my dining room even though I still need two more chairs with seats I can redo to unify them all in this amazing giraffe fabric that I dream about everyday! It's gonna be hot, baby! ZZZZZZZ!! (No, you won't go to sleep in them but I don't know how to write a sizzle sound. Give me a break! It's still early!)

I went to few more sales that were in danger of hefty fines under the new legislation and of course to protect myself from their poison (and straight up tackiness) I had to decline. So, that's it. All in all a pretty successful outing. I bought some treats for Mama and some goodies to sell. Now I must round up the little people and head to Walmart for milk and provisions. What? Did you think I would pay top dollar for imitation Frosted Flakes? Do you people even know me?!

New Items 3/8/11

Come get 'em while they're hot @ Northrop's Antiques Mall in Southport!

Politics, Getting Lost and My Boyfriend

I've got to tell you, this gas inflation is really putting a hex on my yard saling! Every sale I headed to I practically computed the cost it took to get me to their heap of shit. Well, maybe I didn't actually do the math because it was much too early but I wanted to! What the hell is going on? Sure there's some turmoil in the Middle East but isn't there always? Unless Gadhafi blows the region (and it's oil) up, don't fuck with the cost per barrel! Don't we get most of out petrol from Canada anyway? All's good up there! Just ask Justin Bieber!!! Ugh! Why no one's nominated me for president I have no idea. Who better to fix our budget than a yard saler! You need school supplies? Check! You want to clean the environment? Here's a bike, in fact here's two; one's got a bum tire, now you've got parts! Seriously, people! I can help!

Well, until I'm called upon to serve my country, I guess I'll just stick to this.....

And so my morning began as I pulled out of my driveway at 6:15. I know. A little earlier than usual but there were several pre-sevens so I played their game. Or so I thought. My first stop was a bust because they never bothered to even set up. They're one block behind my house and now the future sight of my dog's dump station. Thanks neighbor!

After that I hit a 'look how much we over bought for our first baby' sale. Next!

Number three on my list was a church sale that I've been to many times before only this time there was a vacant parking lot. I assume I misread the ad and they were advertising this week for vendors and the actual sale is yet to come but at least five other cars drove up looking as well so now my dog may have to hold it while we take a little drive. Next!

I have to say, it was ironic that this church should be on my list this week because last week when I set saling, I was headed for a baptist church which I believed to be this one only it wasn't so I drove a little further only to realize that I had gone too far on route 40 so I took the next exit which brought me to 17 North towards New Bern which after I drove for what seemed like forever, it finally said the next exit was in 6 miles only when I reached that, I couldn't get back on 17 so I had to take Market Street from Porter's Neck and go all the way to Gordon Road and all the way back to 40 only to swear I just had to go a little bit further to get to that god damn baptist church only it wasn't up that far so I mother f*#@%ing did the whole mess again!!!!! I never thought it was possible to get lost for forty five minutes on this cape! Needless to say, in an effort to listen to your advise to use less profanity in my blog, I was unable to write last week. Where was I...... oh yes! My boyfriend!

Oh wait! I got so excited I forgot about the lodge. No big deal. I got a hat. Actually, it is a big deal because the water company just told me my water consumption has doubled and I definitely have a leak somewhere so until we find it, I will be hiding my greasy hair in the said hat. Best quarter I'll ever spend! Back to my boyfriend..........

As soon as I saw his address last night when I was scouting my sales my heart went a flutter! I've written about him before. Truth be told I remember him hotter but he does drive a great old Ford pick-up and he has the coolest shit. Cheap! I swear I think he's my other boyfriend, Mike Wolfe, from t.v.'s American Picker's brother. Not sure why I find them so dreamy but how can you question the chemistry of a crush? (When I become Commander in Chief, I'll be sure to allot some of my surplus budget to find such answers. Now I'm creating jobs too! My God, I can definitely see myself on the penny!!). Ok, back to my boyfriend's humble abode.....so I got an old three tiered metal cart (with an outlet and cord!), a cute old 4x6 rustic frame (which I've been looking for that size!), two old jars with lids (and an extra metal lid for parts!), a great old frame (that I just know I have something to stick in it and the two will be meant for each other!), a beachy white table (just ok) and my piece de resistance....... an big old industrial strength coffee grinder in the most glorious hue of red!!!!! I think I might be part bull because whenever I see that primary perfection, I'm just full steam ahead!!!! It's so damn cool! I'm thinking it will look great in the corner of my dining room perched on an old chair. In fact, I went to several other sales, all of which sucked, so I think I will end today's journey here so I can play with my new toy. Unless you really want to know about the broken infant swing for sale at Pine Valley Elementary Scool? Didn't think so....see ya next week!!!!

Nice Days, Nice Refreshments, Bad Hangovers

Look! Don't lecture me but sometimes you just have to break Rule #1!! When Jane (the yard sale sabotager these days) says,"It's going to be in the 70's today. Let's let the kids play in your backyard and do some day drinking!" How was I going to say no? It's been a very cold, miserable winter and I needed to celebrate the medicinal effects of the sun........and well..............er...............some wine. And so we did. Only day drinking blended so nicely into night drinking and next thing I know some awful song was urging me to wake up at 6:30 this morning. You may look down on my inability to 'just say no' but my dedication to saling is unparalleled!!!!!

So, there I was, in my van, with a bunch of illegible chicken scratch that I believe was the route I made last night to charter this morning's journey. I went to the furthest one first but it sucked. There was not one, not two but three freestyles after that but all I scored from those was an art kit (very cool for $2!) and a wii game that my son would tell me is for babies. He just turned five. He would know.

After that, I went downtown to a historic house turned museum and there were so many people on line and the rat bastards made us wait FOREVER to get in but nada! Not true; I got a bust/stand thing that I think you would display your necklaces on but it sucks. Someone will buy it. Hell, I did.

So, I left that disappointment after about a minute. Part of me liked making a point that I was leaving so quickly because they had let me down but I doubt anyone noticed (which was a good thing because even watching me leave out of a parallel parking spot is morbidly embarrassing).

I was really sad at this point. The weather has been beautiful so I've been working on goodies and pumped up to work on more and I thought for sure that everyone would have started spring cleaning and would have plenty to offer me but looks like the rest of my Wilmintonian neighbors opted to enjoy the beautiful day and celebrate other ways. Maybe they opted for the day/night drinking combo too! It's hard to resist!

Ok, I'm not going any further. I drove around a little more only to look at people's crap that I am only to assume has made it to the shelves of the salvation army. Even our poor deserve better!

I really must go replenish my fluids now. Damn you, Jane!!! Damn you!!!!

Pain Killers, Lack of Friends and Skin Irritation

Alas! ALAS!!!! Ye Yard Sale Gods giveth the a sunny Saturday morn!!! I think it's been 9 weeks since I last went saling and in that time there's been 5 rainy days, the birthday of Our Lord, the celebration of a new year, my family's trip to Orlando, and my favorite; a trip to the e.r. I could go on from here and tell you about my finds but the hospital visit was just too good to not disclose. So.....after the Great Blizzard of 2011 (a half inch of slush), the kids didn't have school for 3 days. One of those days was my daughter's birthday. We had been planning on having her sleepover that weekend but I feared that we weren't giving enough notice and she would be forced to celebrate with only her brother. That bumped her party to the following weekend even though her brother's birthday party was that Sunday. With no detours that would have been nutty but not impossible. Well!!!! I decided to leave the cleaning portion of my 'to do' list until the last minute and instead I was doing what I love; redecorating! Again, not a problem as I have been known to clean my house under pressure in under forty five minutes. This time, however, I was hanging a picture over my mantle when I couldn't quite get the darn wire to catch on the nail. Annoyed, I grabbed what was close which was a small vanity stool only in my moment of determination I had completely forgotten that I never reattached the seat to the base. As you can imagine, as I leaned forward, the seat flipped over sending my fat ass down into the base. At first I was relieved that I did not break the glass of the antique frame but when I went to step away, I realized I was attached to the metal stool. The legs of the said stool go down into a 'v' and my weight from the fall lodged my toe deep in it's cavern and I couldn't get out! I screamed for my daughter but she was upstairs and could not hear my cries. I was really starting to panic! My legs and hands were shaking and the pain was horrific! The more I tried to pull my foot out, the more I seemed to twist my digit in there! Finally my daughter came downstairs and was able to fetch me my phone. I thought about who to call but the thought of my husband yanking out my little piggy from the jaws of this stool was out of the question. That left 911. Ten minutes later, THREE e.m.t.s showed up (holding back their chuckles) and after about a half hour and several tools, they finally dislodged my throbbing, bloodied toe out of the clutch of the stool. Next thing you know I'm in the emergency room. The toe wasn't broken but I did need a tetanus shot to which I had a reaction to and I had to stay to be 'observed' for 2 more hours. To make a long story a little less long, I made it home just in time to receive 9 eight year olds whose parents will probably never let their children play with my daughter again as I was just a tad loopy from the pain killers. Not to mention I didn't realize there was blood all over my pants until later in the evening. As if this wasn't bad enough, I had to have my son's party the very next day! At least I was able to change and not frighten the moms that their babies could catch something from me. So!!! What was I saying? Oh! So that's what I've been up to! As for this morning.....

Since I hadn't been in so long I almost skipped saling since the low was only 27 degrees. Fortunately, I'm a freak who never sleeps so I thought, "what the heck." And I'm so glad I did! Not that today was a great day but it felt so good just to be back on the horse!

My first stop was probably the hit of the day because I got a great hand knit floral scarf, 2 wooden, carved corbel shelves that will shabitze sooo nicely and 2 great pillow covers that are fantastic and already spruce up my living room! I'm not going to lie to you, they're itchy as hell but do I really need to spend so much time on the couch anyway? Of course not!

My next stop was in a weird warehouse that's trying to be a new flea market but you're not getting me to shell out any big bills at 7 in the morning! Interestingly enough, they had 2 of Jane's old painting that she sold when we had a yard sale here! Such a small circle of junkers 'round these parts!

Next up was at an older lady's apartment who was moving out of the area. She had some good stuff but not priced to my liking. I did get an old 'mixers' recipe book with a great jacket that I can't wait to add to my shit to dust for the next 50 years.

After that, the sons of bitches having the next sale had second thoughts about setting up in 27 degree weather and choose to sleep in. I can't blame them but I think evil thoughts about them none-the-less.

My final port of call was an 'estate' sale so of course they got off on making us wait outside until the last possible minute. They're lucky they sold me an old Pennsylvania 'Dutch' (really German and shortened from 'deutch') dish towel that goes with my apron, place mats and napkins with the same print! I believe now my set is complete. As was my morning! Thank you! Thank you, Yard Sale Gods!!! If I had to wait another week I might have started stealing off neighbors' porches. You have saved me much embarrassment (and legal fees)! Well, I guess I'll go clean. I had hoped to catch a marathon of Keeping up with the Kardashians but I'm worried I'll get a rash from my new pillows. My son's in there now watching Sponge Bob. He hasn't complained of any hives but then again he's in 'that zone'. I'll have to wait for a commercial! Sorry, kid!