Saturday, November 20, 2010

Belly Dancing, a Fecal Joy Ride and Next Year's Action Figures

Today was THE SHIT!!!!!!!! Totally the shit!!!!! Unfortunately I mean that literally. Last sale of the day I not only stepped in dog shit, I slid across a home owner's driveway in it. To boot, as I started to write this entry I could still smell my fecal surprise and realized it had gotten on the cuff of my pants. When I asked the Yard Sale Gods last week for an offering for my birthday weekend I was not expecting pet waste. Very funny Oh-Divine-Ones! At least I know when I go up to shabbitize heaven there'll be some knee slappin'! I want to write more but I fear for next week. I shan't upset thy spirits!

Ok, so I painfully got up at the butt crack of dawn and headed to sale #1. It was a church sale so I had to beat the freaks. I rushed there with my windows still dripping with condensation from leaving them open last night but I know better than to wipe the insides and leave droplet marks only to reappear when the sun later shines in and renders you blinded heading into oncoming traffic. Been there. Done that. Not this time. So, I'm off to the church with my head out the window like a beagle in 36 degrees because I must get there first and then I see it. Technically, yes, it was in fact at a church but it was one lady with one table of no longer needed infant crap. Obviously it was a drive by but in my cold, tired and pissy state, a little bubble appeared above my head and I thought, "wouldn't it be great if it was a drivethrough!" There'd be baby bjorns and those little blue snot suckers everywhere!!! Oh to do it just once! Just once!

Well, I didn't, so on I went to the second sale. This one was in the almost forbidden Pine Valley. Not only does Ol' P.V. have crazy winding streets that get me lost every time but all the streets are named after confederate generals and after a few wrong turns one begins to think that Robert E. Lee Drive could actually win this war. Not the case today though. I escaped unscathed. I even hit a freestyle and scored a super cute Superman bike for my boy for Christmas. I bought it from THE cutest little old man too. He even offered to carry it to my van with his little shuffle. Oh, how I wish I could swipe him up and bring him to Thanksgiving dinner! I just love little old men! Just call me Anna Nicole!

The other two sales in the dreaded P.V. were crap. We'll just chalk those up to a navigational confidence builder. I did see The Nemesis, however. And wouldn't you know that rat bastard had all kinds of chairs protruding from his truck. He must be stopped! He's turning me into Lex Luther! I want to be the superhero! I want superpowers!!!!! I wonder if I rip his shirt off if he's clad in latex with a giant J for Junkman? Now I can look forward to buying a Junkman action figure at next year's yard sales. I guess he would be more marketable than a YSM doll complete with fraying homeless person gloves. Why is it always Junkman, Junkman, Junkman?!!!!! Ugh!!! I'll get you yet!

Moving on........... I then went to a sale at a preschool (never a good sign) but I did get a painting of Psychiatry books and when I took the masking tape price tag off it left goo on it and tipped my buyer's remorse scale to a frightening degree. Psychiatry books? Really, Chrissy? Who is going to buy such art? Maybe I can use it to barter when I finally accept I need therapy. There ya go. There's a plan. Ugh.

So, after that I hit a freestyle but not just any freestyle. It was a pull-all-my-crap-out-of-a-U-haul freestyle! Oh Nellie do I love these!!! The freaky long, grey haired dude couldn't pull his crap out fast enough for me. I could see some dark wood but I just couldn't make out what they formed. Turned out to be two great solid chairs beyond perfect for the shabitization process. I'm trying to stay away from yet some more chairs but these were worth breaking the rules for. A lovely score indeed!

The next sale I bought some more action figures for my son for Christmas (no, no Junkman) but what really made the score great was that it was a mom who was having the sale and her son was home from college and she won't sell his toys without waking him up so she got him out of bed and he proceeded to tell me what all of their names were and what all the accessories were for. He was great! It was like Andy in Toy Story 3! So cute!

After that I got my baby a pair of much needed jeans even though his high waters are almost at the point of being those cool-kid long shorts so we'll see after his next growth spurt if they were really that great a score.

And then came the shit. So, I was so excited because my last sale had tons of girlie girl dresses hanging down from their porch. Unfortunately there seemed to be a wide range of sizes so I had to step into their bushes a bit to see the tags up close and that's when it happened. I didn't know I had stepped into a canine land mine until I hit their sloping pavement. I didn't know what the hell happened! It was literally like I stepped on a skateboard complete with flailing arms and eyes aghast. The homeowner apologized but I just 'poo pooed' it off like that always happens at yard sales. I tried to be polite and twist in her grass hoping to dislodge some of the doggie defecation but to no avail. Since I was mortified to get into my van with the excrement I continued to walk her 3 tables over and over. I'm lucky I did too because I found my daughter a pair of Christmas Pajamas which she needs by next week when she'll be on a float for the Christmas parade, I also got her an adorable red wool(like) pea coat and last but my fav of the day....da da dah.......a 'Learn how to Belly Dance for your Husband' album by none other than Sonny Lester (whoever he is). Not only is the vinyl in perfect condition but it has instuctions!!!!! INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!! You test me, Yard Sale Gods but you also grant me this token. I'm forever your disciple! When you chose to take me I will rejoice. Not only that, I shall do a titillating dance!!!! Hallelujah!!!! I've seen the light!