Saturday, November 5, 2011

Sears Dress Form

Do I even have to mention that I went back and got the Sears Dress Form for $30?????????

He really didn't stand a chance!!!!!!!

Avoiding Assault, Locked Van Doors and Whore-able Mothers

Let's just say this morning was interesting. Right from the start I decided to adjust my route which always makes for too many decisions to make before 9 a.m. Originally I was going to go to a house sale first but it's really dark at 6:40 in the morning and I decided to avoid needing a rape kit and headed to a builder's parking lot sale instead. It sucked. So much for my to the house sale I went. It turned out to be two young women having the sale. They were quite friendly too, at first, offering me a cup of coffee even, but once I proposed to pay $10 for a $20 table my offer for java was no longer on the proverbial table (and certainly not on my $10 one!).

My next sale I bought a great silver candelabra (with candles!) and I really debated over a creepy vintage Santa ornament but it came in a bag of other ornaments that weren't so great and I've promised myself that I wouldn't spend more than 50 cents on anymore ornaments unless Mr Rockefeller himself asks me to trim his famous tree, so I had to refuse. Seriously, if Hoarders does a Holiday edition I just better look good for the camera because I'll earn them an Emmy with my amazing (scary large) collection. I'm really wanting!!!!!! (Note tremendous pout from The Mama)

OK, moving on. My next sale I bought a great old Avon jar in a really pretty aqua blue for a mere dollar but when I skipped back to my van with my score I went to open the door and............f#*k!!!!! I accidentally locked my doors with the keys in the ignition!!!!! I ran back to the lady having the sale and I told her of my unfortunate foible. She told her husband who got their neighbor who called his son and after no time at all the son arrived with a slimjim. With the six of us surrounding my van we were noticing that the rubber strips around my windows were quite tight. Each testosterone hosting male, eager to help a damsel in distress took a turn at popping the lock with the slimjim but to no avail. Each were conjuring up new plans of ways to open the doors when the wife came back and looked in the window and asked where my keys were. I replied that they were in the ignition. She looked again and pointed out that they were in fact not. We all looked in and scratched our heads and furled our eyebrows but then all of a sudden I did something I hadn't done. I checked my pockets. SURE AS SHIT...THERE THEY WERE!!!!! What a stupid ass I am!!! I'd swear I felt there earlier but with all my bundling for this harsh fall weather (and my own 'natural insulation' fat) I guess I missed them. Everyone got a good laugh. Har har har. Really funny. I have got to stop peroxiding my hair. Some is clearly seeping in and affecting my brain!

Well, then. Where were we? Oh my next few sales were drive-bys. Why anyone would set up their four items of baby shit in this cold weather is beyond me! (Note angry sigh) Finally I got to a sale that seemed worthy of stepping out of my heated van for. I scored a fantastic Land's End down vest in a fantastic olive green that fits to perfection and only set me back $2!!! I'm just giddy over it!!! I also talked to a fellow yard saler that I see every week and have grown quite fond of and she offered me a job helping her daughter do her senior project for event planning but unfortunately it's for next weekend and I will be in NYC with my two friends and our three daughters (don't hate me dah-lings!) so again I had to refuse. Bummer because I really would have loved to have helped. So much to little time! (I hope you read that in your best Lauren Hutton voice!)

Next up I bought a great wooden plant stand and a chrome serving tray with three glass compartments and three cute forks. I just love props for fine entertaining! (If you knew my cooking you'd agree they're just props. I always say, 'Make it look pretty and they won't know it's bland!' .....Well, that and 'Get 'em good and drunk!') F U, Martha! That works too!

Well, my final sale was a glorious spread of lovely antiques. It was also glorious spread of antique store priced antiques. I so wanted an old Sears dress form for my future fashion designer daughter but he wanted $50 and would only come down to $40 despite my sugary sweet charm. Bastard! He did sell me a nice old pickle jar for a buck but I can't stop thinking about the former. Looks like I'll be hitting 'publish' and driving back there. Well, I guess since I didn't need the rape kit at my earlier sale I should just...... Come on! Sally Field did it for Forest! Dear God! The peroxide is definitely seeping in!!!!!!!

(BTW, the last pic is from last week when I did go saling but did not blog since I was preparing for our Halloween party.)