Saturday, June 12, 2010

Uncensored revisited


Although the ever looming Rule #1 had to be abandoned last night due to an amazing Dave Matthews Tribute Band downtown, today's saling was fairly painless. It took a while for the momentum to kick in but once my body accepted it was to perform on little or no liquids, it came through for me.
The first stop was a drive-by (notin' worth getting out for) the second was an unadvertised freestyle but apparently they set up the night before and then slept in because there wasn't even the slightest stirring of a body to buy from. The few things that were tagged were outrageously overpriced so I don't blame them for opting for slumber. Stop #3 also chose to sleep in but unlike #2, they called it quits the night before. Moving right along, #4 was at a church and when we pulled up Jane remembered us doing well here before. We got out of her truck and I saw a plant stand that I really liked so I scaled the drainage ditch all excited to get to my pot of gold only to find a fat fuck leprechaun (sorry to all those who have suggested I tone down my trailer mouth but this guy really was a fat mother fucker!!!) So, I at first asked his wife how much the plant stand was and she told me $15 (eww- liked it for $3). then I asked about a table to which Chubby responded $25. I told them I'd have to think about it and I went over to Jane (who found an awesome old end table [slut]) to ask for her opinion. When we walked back to Fat Ass, he was sitting on his lazy boy for sale with one of his fat legs thrown over the side and an empty yoo-hoo in his crotch. I asked if he would take any less for the plant stand and when he found out his wife told me $15, he went off on her for giving me such a "cheap" price. He said something like, "Don't you know we can get at least $30 for that at the auction. What were you thinking?" I could tell by the way she said sorry so many times and hunched her shoulders in defeat that he's always a bullying lard ass piece of shit. I probably could have made money on the plant stand and the table but fuck if I was going to buy from that nasty, fleshy blob of shit!!! I'm still all worked up about that beluga! That poor lady. Karma can be a bitch, though. Maybe one day he'll fall off his couch while searching for his remote because he wants to flip back and forth between Nascar and reruns of The Jeff Foxworthy Show and bust his fat meaty head open. Could happen. Hope so.
Anyway, I did score 2 frames from a different lady there so it wasn't a total loss. After that I bought an o.k. water color of sailboats. It's in an 80's metal frame but if I put it in a wood frame and paint and shabitize it up, it could be pretty great. And it was $1. Definitely worth the gamble.
A few more drive-bys after that. Clothes, clothes and more clothes. Then I got an awful palm treed planter but painted shabby white will surely sell. And let's see, Oh! Then we went to a great old house with a young couple and an adorable old dad helping out. I bought an old (and heavy!) screen door for my back porch that's much needed since my son, the future murder, smashed ours with a sippy cup full of chocolate milk a few years back. It probably could have been salvaged but it was a cheesy metal one and I was really happy to see it go. Well..... until the following spring when all of God's creatures decided to take up residence in my house (including my chickens which liked to eat the crumbs under the kitchen table. I let them, of course. It was quite convenient until the time I had just finished making burritos on my electric stove and then one of the chickens jumped up and INTO the frying pan [so help me God!] and burnt her little feet).
Back to saling.....and the climax of the morning. We stumbled upon not one but two freestyles right around the corner from my house and I got a great rustic frame (cypress I think) that will be perfect for a charcoal painting of a cow that my brother-in-law did for me, an old stool (I know, I'm obsessed) and my fav of the day, an old wooden tool box! After that we hit another freestyle sale and I got a cute old red rocker for my friend who just had a baby boy. Then, for my procreating neighbor who's having a girl, I got a brand new pair of purple suede booties at the last and final sale. Oh wait, there was one more we went to and the young college girl wanted $8 for an old chipped up metal cake server (that is sure to give you lead poisoning upon the first mouthful of German Chocolate) and when I put it down she said, "Yeah, this is a vintage item and that's why it costs a little more." Don't educate me, bitch! On that note, fuck you to all of you out there that don't like my cursing! I gots to be me! Happy Saling!

3 comments:

  1. Wow, somebody's fucking sensitive! That fat fuck sounds like he needs a good ass whooping anyway!

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  2. On lard ass, he won't fall out of the lazy boy and die, his wife is genetically DNA'd to Lizzie Borden and finds this old farm ax at your place. She hugs her treasure, cleans and sharpens the ax and decides 40 whacks should be updated and goes for 86. Seeing all the chopped meat, has an ah-ha moment and opens her first Lard Barn Burger Bistro. Franchises are now available, ax included.

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  3. Hey cursing like a "saler" is acceptable.

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