Saturday, July 2, 2011

The Twilight Zone, Marty Feldman and Delusions of Grandeur

Today was nothing shy a Twilight Zone episode. Every sale I went to took sooooo damn long. I literally felt like I was trapped at these carnival houses! And just to add to the insanity, there were some hid-e-ous people out this morning. In fact, there could be another yard sale blogger right now writing about this smokin' hot babe at the yard sales today because compared to these mutants, I was Cindy Crawford in her prime! I want to tell ya'll right now about the gal at my last sale but you're just gonna have to wait! I'll try to get through this quickly....

So! I got up extra early because there were three sales that started at 6:00! The first was a fundraiser so I started there. I did get a pretty nice painting but mostly it was crap. The next two were across the street from each other but only one rolled out of bed in time for the sale (arrrrr!). As for the sole survivor....she should have slept in as well. I did buy a lemonade from her very aggressive children (good for them!!!) but that was it.

After that, I went to an estate sale (can be wonderful!) but the prices were staggering! In the garage, however, were goods that weren't marked so I thought I'd take a chance. There was no one to ask about prices so I had to wait on line. I waited for twenty minutes!!!!! By the time I was a couple of people away from Betty and Myrtle running the sale, my restless legs were going faster than the speed of sound! Luckily for my geriatric check out girls, they priced me right and I was finally out of there. I scored an odd old kid's chair with a really high back with a loop on the top. I don't quite get it but I love it nonetheless. I also got a beautiful old oil painting that Myrtle said her grandmother painted of a creek in Alabama. It's signed by Sara Long which sounded so familiar and sure enough, when I got home, I looked around my house and found another painting (this one of a barn and a field) by none other than Ms. Sara Long!! How crazy is that? Maybe I can open a gallery of her work. Aren't posthumous artists worth more money? I'll have to check tax records and other documents downtown to see if I can find any more of her relatives to stalk. When did I get so creepy?

My next sale, I realized when I pulled up, was where I bought my fabulous dining room table for $40 so I was excited but I must have bought all their goodies last time because they had slim pickins today.

After that was also a site of a previous score (some great, rustic plant stands) but again, another let down.

Moving next sale was inside an old, cool bungalow and they appeared to be moving (oh, boy!) but what a time consuming disappointment it was!! As soon as I walked in, I noticed a great, yellow wicker table. I asked, 'how much' to which the man replied, '$5 unless you buy some other stuff'. Five was just too much for the table so I began to look around. After digging through all their boxes, I found a sort of cute print of ladies on surfboards. I asked a different guy the price but he told me I had to ask Steve. Well! Steve (with his loud, North Jersey accent!) was doing 'big business' on the phone about an 'antique piece' (that was particle board crap from the 8o's!!!) and I had to wait.....and wait......and wait........until finally I stuck the print in his face and he whispered, 'just put it in your pile' and I thought I was going to lose it! He noticed my mood and finally hung up with his 'big buyer' only to tell me the print was $10!!! At that point, I put both over priced items down at his feet and finally, finally got out of there! What the hell was going on today? I can usually be in and out of a yard sale in under two minutes with great finds under my arms! Why was this morning so different?

..........and different it was!! The next sale was in a neighborhood that has had bogus sales the last few weeks but this one had signs so although there was nothing on their lawn, I just couldn't take it anymore and I knocked on the door. Just after I did I realized I was psycho and I turned around. Sure enough, as I was pulling away, a man wrapped in a towel came to the door. What the f*^# was going on this morning??????

The next sale had crap Goodwill would turn down but I still left with a pair of glasses with lobsters on them. They were red (you know that's my weakness!) and a dime a piece so why not? Unfortunately, my purchase led her to tell me her life story and I wanted to shoot myself but when I die I don't want it to be on Throw-Mama-From-the-Train's front lawn. Man was she a looker!!

Finally, my last sale was in the backyard (which tend to be good ones) but not this time. The sale, so help me God, consisted of two plastic lounge chairs, rusty tools and a sheet with six items of clothes that the world's ugliest woman was laying out. Not only did she have a severe lazy eye but she talked really slowly. All of that could have been over looked but she looked so much like Marty Feldman, particularly from Young Frankenstein, that it was uncanny! I think I gasped when she turned around! What the hell has my life come to? What am I doing with these people every Saturday morning? Can't I be a normal mom and take my kids to soccer? I guess at least I have my looks. Then again I'm going by this morning's bell curve. Maybe next, I'll get a bite to eat at The Waffle House! I could do some shopping at Walmart. Maybe even stop by The Division of Motor Vehicles! Man, I could ride this wave of delusional beauty for a week if I tried! Keep your comments to yourself, people! It's been a loooong morning!

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