Saturday, August 13, 2011

Escaping Death, Surf Hoes and Bouncing Boobies

Today wasn't good or bad it just was. I had over 100 yard sales to choose from but it rained all night so I wasn't sure what kind of saling day it would be and frankly now that I'm back I still don't have an opinion. Maybe you can decide.....

I had two sales at 6:30 so I was out the door while you lucky bastards were still sleeping. I'm not sure why but I was convinced that I was going to be murdered at my first sale. It was in a shady part of town, everybody was still asleep and I just had a bad feeling driving up to it. When I got there, however, they couldn't have been nicer. I'm all but positive that they had no intentions of ever dicing my body up and putting my parts in their freezer. Whoof! I got lucky! Not because I lived to tell the tale but because I got a whisk for 75 cents! Hubby and I just saw one for $5.99 at TJ Maxx and I almost bought it (since ours snapped weeks ago and heaven forbid my man use a fork!) but I held out and I'm $5.24 the richer for it (plus tax)!!!

The next sale was literally one card table worth of crap which the sorry soul proceeded to explain to me what all six items were. For some reason I felt compelled to buy something and possibly further his career as the Price Is Right announcer and I left with a glass. It's kinda cool. You know the ones with the drink recipes on them? I was still really tired and just lucky to be alive, folks!!

After that I went to a "huge, neighborhood sale" that was several neighbors having coffee on one neighbor's lawn with two tables of nothing. NEXT!!

I bought a Glade Plug-In at the next sale for 50 cents. Come on, guys! It claims to offer "30 days of gentle freshness". That's less than two pennies a day! A steal I tell ya!!

I went to several sales after that that all sucked. I was stressing! I was coming up to my eight o'clockers and I had yet to purchase anything significant. I was heading to sale #9 when I noticed a ton of cars parked in a cluster a few blocks past my turn. It was either a yard sale or one hell of a good party last night! Low and behold it was a yard sale!!! Not even on my list!!! I walked up and there was stuff everywhere! I bought a disco ball for my daughter, a small vintage chalkboard and a hurricane candle right away and then I realized it was inside too!!!! I stuffed my goodies in a bush and went into the garage. Right away I picked up a fab-u-lous hard plastic map in a wood frame that's topographical (my favorite!!!!). It was huge but I didn't dare put it down. Needless to say I was ramming people left and right but sucks to be them! Inside was packed but nothing fantastic. I did score two cheesy beach paintings that I bought for their great frames but I probably will just paint the frames and make them slightly more current. Cheesy beach shit always pays the bills! I'm sure there were more hidden treasures that I overlooked in there but crowds bug me out so on to #10 I went. All I got at that sale was a mirror that wasn't cheap but it didn't need work and I could easily triple my money so what the heck!

After that I was back to more useless driving. I even hit a Quicksilver sample sale at some one's house but not only was there nothing under $25 but everything was a size small/petite. FU skinny surfer bitches! Ugh!!! Why must I be so full figured? WHY????? It might have something to do with the half of a stick of butter I put on my popcorn last night but still! I can't forget it was expensive too! Keep your little doll clothes!!!! So there!!!

From there I went to a sale with the coolest vintage gear (although I am possibly getting a tad old for these styles [not to mention the full figured issue]) so I left with the most amazing orange carry-on bag ever and an equally cool overnight bag in a blue tapestry material. I have no idea when I would ever use either (especially since we usually fly Spirit out of Myrtle Beach which charges you for every scrap of luggage [my family recently went to Costa Rica and you better believe we got on those planes with our towels wrapped around our necks!!!!]) but they were just too cool to not come home with me. I would love to pass on my love of donning vintage to my eight year old fashionista but it will be a few more years until she can be cool being different. Damn you, peer pressure!!!!

So there you have it. I drove around a bit more but nada. I did see a woman who was hosting one of the earlier sales which were insignificant (except for a table she wanted too much for) and she was out shopping for more crap to put at her yard sale!!! I guess I applaud her capitalism but what I didn't applaud was when I asked her if she sold the table yet she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about!!! Really? Maybe these's another black woman with a long, strapless, pink dress on with no bra on out this morning!!! Probably just a coincidence. My mistake. Have fun bringing that table back in! Hope the drawer doesn't slide out and land on one of your unchaperoned boobies!!

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