Vocal Diarrhea, Mini Temptresses and Street Side Memorials

Wouldn't you know the day my sister visits from Kansas City, the yard sales suck! I feel like I'm a horrible diplomat of the yard sale community. Why couldn't this morning have been a picker's extravaganza like it was a few weeks ago? She did get a couple of boogie boards, a bracelet and a cool deco-esque lamp, though. I guess she forgives me.

I have to start by saying that I scanned back in my cell phone last night to text my sister that I'd be over my other sister's house to pick her up at 6:35. Only I got confused with what I thought was her cell number (913) for a government office in Raleigh that I called last week (919) and I texted them instead. THANK GOD I didn't text that I couldn't wait to get out and yard sale because I wanted to murder my kids! That's SO something I would do! Kind of like a few days ago when my son's kindergarten teacher showed me her new Disney silverware and I asked if she stole them. I was only kidding but who the hell says that to their kid's teacher? I ain't right!

Anyway..... luckily my sister dolls up quickly and was out the door a few minutes after I arrived (apparently unexpectedly) just after half past six. She treated me to an iced coffee and I gotta tell ya........HIGHLY enjoyed it! Takes all the fuzz out of those first few stops! Unfortunately, this morning was not the day to need to be overly observant. Clothes, clothes and more clothes! I did buy a cheese grater at out first sale but the woman actually rolled her eyes at me when I asked if she'd accept 50 cents to her one dollar item. Really, lady? A cheese grater only costs a dollar! You should be happy to have my two quarters!!! You know I eye rolled her right back (well, when I walked away)!

Our next sale was more crap that should have been donated to the Salvation Army but I walked away with two frames none the less. (They're perfect for paint and shabbitization....and yet hideous now.)

Next up was an inside/moving sale but they made bad choices in their lives and had acquired nothing but crap. I hope their next chapter is better for them! (And THEN they have a yard sale!!!)

After that we hit a freestyle and for lack of anything to buy, I left with a necklace. I think I like it. Not sure.

Have you fallen asleep yet? I'd understand if you did. Well....I'll keep going because I know my mom always reads. Ma, next I bought twelve new wine glasses because like I've said before, I think it's ludicrous that an alcoholic beverage should be put in a top heavy glass and obviously we go through them like crazy! Some people like the 'stemless' wine glasses but really isn't that just a glass?

Next up was a sale for a woman whose house burned down a few weeks ago. I was hoping to make a bigger donation for her new life but I'm not sure how much my $4 helped. I bought an old Atlas jar with lid, a great Spiderman beach towel that folds into itself and becomes a backpack and six plastic cereal bowls that look like the old glass ones. What a good humanitarian I am!!

WAKE UP, MA!!!!!

After that we went into the mall for a church sale (only in the south!!!) The man at the door started to tell us about how they were using the money they raised from this sale for their trip to Uganda to put wells in for the............. but luckily my sister saved the day and just bolted in saving us from the rest of his sermon. I love her! Inside, I bought a pretty crocheted sweater for my daughter and a dress up dress that my sister found in the pile. It was a good find too because dress up clothes usually stop at size 6x. Don't they know that older girls are divas too? The first thing my daughter does when her other eight year old friends come over is dress to the nines! In some cases they look like little whores but who can blame them! Their innocent little Tinkerbell outfits are too small!!! They do try to squeeze into those old dresses but over the years they've become torn and I almost prefer the whore look to the oh-my-god-who-raped-Cinderella look. So, like I said, the size 10 dress up dress was a score indeed!

That about wraps up our saling. We then hit the farmers market downtown....oh wait....we did hit another sale in the hood before the farmer's market and the only thing significant about it was that it was across the street from where someone was shot last week and had the creepy memorial area with the stuffed animals and the fake flowers. If I meet my demise in an unnatural way, please don't honor me in that way. At least put real flowers!! I gave $4 to charity just this morning for Christ's sake!

Finally, I dropped my sister off but only to hit a freestyle on the way home. I scored two old Sundrop bottles. I have enough old bottles to become a distributor but what's two more? I saw on a show the other day that a man collected washing machines. Now, that man has a problem!!! Hear that, hubby? It could be a lot worse!!! A LOT!!!!!!

Singer Sewing Machine Table!!!

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I tried to part with this fabulous table made from an old Singer sewing machine base and some old wood clapboard I found in the garbage (which were covered with red ants and stung the hell out of me!!!) but I just couldn't see it go.....so here it is!

With a smaller top than the old ironing board I used to have there, it actually forced me to get rid of some things too!!! And that's not easy to do!!!!

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These items (minus the Singer table) can be found at Ivy Cottage. (Can you believe they priced the bear table that I bought for $5 [really less because I bundled!] for $95!!!!!)

My Updated Boudoir

Just some pics of my new funky floral painting that I love!!!!!!!!!

Biggie Smalls, Flat Juniors and Old Hollywood Glamour

Ok, it's Sunday afternoon but I'm finally able to to give you my play-by-play of yesterday's adventures. I'm just so busy, dah-lings! You must understand!

So! Saturday morning...... hmmmm......let's see......it's coming back to me.......yes! My first stop looked great from the street but they over paid for their crap initially so they wanted innocent yard salers to do the same. Folks, no end table on your lawn at 6:45 in the morning should ever, ever be $75! Nor should a cheesy mirror from Home Goods or Target ever be $45 even if it does have made-to-look-old door knobs on them. Ugh! It wasn't a total loss though. I did walk away with some fabric that will be sure to come in handy with my chair fetish. Enabler!!!

Next up was one of those yard sale moments when I think I want to die loving what I do I just don't want it to be today. My blue Toyota Sienna minivan had no business being that deep into the hood.....and yet I kept going. Even after a road block! There was a yard sale sign showing me how to get around it, in my defense. It's not like a gangsta was going to be hosting a yard sale with Biggie cd's and some do rags, right? Actually, a Biggie cd would have been an improvement to the crap they had. They did have two vintage cameras that were really different but she wanted $25 a piece for them! I had to be her only customer all day. How she let me and my $5 bill get away, I have do idea. Her loss.

Sadly, while escaping the hood, I did pull over and inspect a pile of trash in hopes that the table in the middle was worthy of shabbitization but the amount of urine on the mattresses beside it made me get back into my car with not one souvenir from the potentially urban disaster zone.

After that, because I'm clearly not politically correct and was punished for it, I completely drove past my next sale and you guessed it....into another hood. This time I had the sense to turn around and I found the street after all. At this sale, I bought two canvases for my daughter the 'painter' and a kinda cool t-shirt with a Kellogg's motif written in Japanese. Usually juniors clothes don't fit me or my rack so this was truly a find (even if I only wear it to run in!).

With my luck turned around, my next sale awarded me a fantastic large, long painting of a vase of flowers atop a table which sounds blah blah but there's something artsy about it and for $5, it made my whole morning!! Also, because it's a day and a half later, I am happy to report that it looks amazing hanging in my bedroom!!!! (I could also report that I felt like a hunter returning home to the village with [her] latest kill because the yard salers just arriving to that sale were all admiring my score with immense envy!!! [I don't how how you would spell a 'grunt sound' but please insert that now.....make it two!!!])

Moving on.......(with my showy plume of feathers in their full glory!)......I then went to a sale and bought not only a cheddar glass fish (for resale), an equally cheddar carved bear table (also for resale), a pungent foreign cheese lamp (do I even have to say it?) but also a rug for my bathroom! Ok, so it wasn't all that great but any time I'm at a sale and I have to make a second trip back to my van, it's worthy of some excitement!

So, that's a wrap! All in all, I had a pretty good morning, right? But wait! There's more! (I hope you just read that in your best Billy Mays voice [RIP]). So..... I came home and was supposed to meet my friend so I had a sitter but low and behold my friend was running late so I went back out and got a cute bracelet for moi, an easily sellable fish painting and a new purse that the gal said she brought back from Africa and never used! What a day!

Well, I hope this edition was worth the wait. I thought it would feel flat because I'm not riding my junk high but just thinking about all my goodies brought my buzz right back! I might start doing this Friday nights! Oooooo but then I might get too excited and not be able to sleep and then who knows what that would do to my saling mind in the morning. Yes, I think I'll make this the exception but ya never know dah-lings, (please read the following in your best Joan Crawford voice) I could very well have other social requirements of me that could keep us away again next Saturday morn! Ta ta for now!!!! (End raspy old Hollywood imitation....or keep it going. I think I might!)

Finds That Have Found a Home in Mi Casa (Happy, Niki?)

Ok, From top to bottom.....

My new plant perched atop my new column on my back porch.

New Post Office Sorting Boxes in the far right lower corner of my dining room.

New table where my kid's old bench used to be (Noah's Ark Bench in Shabby Blue can be found at Northrop's in Southport, NC! [See earlier posts]).

Old Painted Carved Bird (which I still don't have a better description for!) over a bed in my spare room.

And lastly, a picture of my purdy plant on top of this great old shabby column on my back porch!!!!

Check These Out @ Ivy Cottage

Going Postal, Zero Drag Queens and a Playdate

Yyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today.............was..................amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe I almost went to the surf competition at Wrightsville Beach instead. See, people! THIS is why I can't take a single Saturday off! Every so often I consider giving in to the temptation of sleeping in on a Saturday or perhaps letting my hair down on a Friday night but no can do! What if I had missed today? Huh?

So, the first sale on my list I knew was going to be great because I'd been to one of her sales before and it was spectacular. That time (which just so happened to be on my birthday!) I scored a tobacco basket (which I had been looking for for years!) for a mere Abe Lincoln! I also got a bunch of other treasures for a dollar a piece but this sale she asked for the business....and got it. But even if I could part with just one of my finds today, I'd make everything I spent back....and more! But I just don't see any of it leaving mi casa. No. Not lookin' good at all. (Sorry, hubby)

Well, now that I've hyped it up.....bet you're dying to know what I got. Here it goes.....are you ready.........none other than an old post office mail sorter!!!!! Complete with all the codes written on a piece of paper! I know!!! Cool as shit, right?! I also got a vintage washing machine (or at least the best parts of it!). It's so insanely amazing I can't stand it! I'm not sure what it's function will be yet. The lady thought it would be great for parties filled with ice and cold beverages of your choice but I need this sucker on display year round so I'll have to get creative....and a room addition.....but that's beside the point. Ok, I also got a great rustic side table (that I'm seeing painted up on my friend's new back porch). I got a fantabulous old red metal garbage can marked Sanette (where have you been all my life?), a cute picnic style tin in black with a floral print and lastly an old carved bird thing that even as I stand here looking at it, I can't describe it any better but it's fantastic! Seriously. This was one of my favorite stops ever!!!!!! Poor Jane is gonna hate me! Oh! I also got two old porcelain door knobs because I need a change in my bedroom and I'm going with panel drapes now and I'm thinking a bamboo rod with those as finials would just be too cool for school! (I'll let you know how that works out.)

After I left that sale, I literally was in a fog of euphoria. Surprisingly, I was in no great rush to get to the next sale because I knew that even though it was only 6:45 in the morning, my day was complete. Fortunately, I was able to leave La La Land and get back on track. I stopped at the high school where they were having a sale to take the students to Ecuador (please, Lord, let my kids get into the Lyceum program.....please!!!). I got a snazzy Loft sweater and a pretty (already painted and shabby!) frame.

Next up I got a beautiful pair of shoes (which are in Euro sizes so you know they're expensive) and a pair of Roxy flip flops. I normally never find shoes because I'm a size 10 and typically drag queens don't have yard sales so I'm s.o.l. but not not this time. (Incidentally, the lady having this sale was not a drag queen just cursed with Yeti extremities like myself.) I also got a plastic sandwich holder because the kids are starting school next week and hell if I'm always out of sandwich bags!

After that, I went to a couple of sales that weren't the greatest (especially by today's standards). I did get a child's coat rack with a vintage(esque) clown head on the top, a gumball machine (always sell well) and a beautiful old shabby column. I could have driven home after that and been delighted with today's finds but because this was an extra special day, I scored a great wooden step stool in the garbage on the side of the road! Is it Christmas or something?

So, there you have my amazing day. You can't possibly know how much it's killing me not to be playing with my new goodies right now! Where will I start first? Anyone want to come over and play post office with me? After 'work' we can enjoy a few cold ones out of my new super cool wash tub. Today is going to be a great day! Why aren't they all like this? Yard Sale Gods....I owe you one! You giveth me yet another splendid morning in ye Treasure Temple! Amen!

Decoupaged Vintage Recipe Book Pages on Kitchen Shelves

My New Zebra Print Dining Room Chairs!!!!

The Twilight Zone, Marty Feldman and Delusions of Grandeur

Today was nothing shy a Twilight Zone episode. Every sale I went to took sooooo damn long. I literally felt like I was trapped at these carnival houses! And just to add to the insanity, there were some hid-e-ous people out this morning. In fact, there could be another yard sale blogger right now writing about this smokin' hot babe at the yard sales today because compared to these mutants, I was Cindy Crawford in her prime! I want to tell ya'll right now about the gal at my last sale but you're just gonna have to wait! I'll try to get through this quickly....

So! I got up extra early because there were three sales that started at 6:00! The first was a fundraiser so I started there. I did get a pretty nice painting but mostly it was crap. The next two were across the street from each other but only one rolled out of bed in time for the sale (arrrrr!). As for the sole survivor....she should have slept in as well. I did buy a lemonade from her very aggressive children (good for them!!!) but that was it.

After that, I went to an estate sale (can be wonderful!) but the prices were staggering! In the garage, however, were goods that weren't marked so I thought I'd take a chance. There was no one to ask about prices so I had to wait on line. I waited for twenty minutes!!!!! By the time I was a couple of people away from Betty and Myrtle running the sale, my restless legs were going faster than the speed of sound! Luckily for my geriatric check out girls, they priced me right and I was finally out of there. I scored an odd old kid's chair with a really high back with a loop on the top. I don't quite get it but I love it nonetheless. I also got a beautiful old oil painting that Myrtle said her grandmother painted of a creek in Alabama. It's signed by Sara Long which sounded so familiar and sure enough, when I got home, I looked around my house and found another painting (this one of a barn and a field) by none other than Ms. Sara Long!! How crazy is that? Maybe I can open a gallery of her work. Aren't posthumous artists worth more money? I'll have to check tax records and other documents downtown to see if I can find any more of her relatives to stalk. When did I get so creepy?

My next sale, I realized when I pulled up, was where I bought my fabulous dining room table for $40 so I was excited but I must have bought all their goodies last time because they had slim pickins today.

After that was also a site of a previous score (some great, rustic plant stands) but again, another let down.

Moving on......my next sale was inside an old, cool bungalow and they appeared to be moving (oh, boy!) but what a time consuming disappointment it was!! As soon as I walked in, I noticed a great, yellow wicker table. I asked, 'how much' to which the man replied, '$5 unless you buy some other stuff'. Five was just too much for the table so I began to look around. After digging through all their boxes, I found a sort of cute print of ladies on surfboards. I asked a different guy the price but he told me I had to ask Steve. Well! Steve (with his loud, North Jersey accent!) was doing 'big business' on the phone about an 'antique piece' (that was particle board crap from the 8o's!!!) and I had to wait.....and wait......and wait........until finally I stuck the print in his face and he whispered, 'just put it in your pile' and I thought I was going to lose it! He noticed my mood and finally hung up with his 'big buyer' only to tell me the print was $10!!! At that point, I put both over priced items down at his feet and finally, finally got out of there! What the hell was going on today? I can usually be in and out of a yard sale in under two minutes with great finds under my arms! Why was this morning so different?

..........and different it was!! The next sale was in a neighborhood that has had bogus sales the last few weeks but this one had signs so although there was nothing on their lawn, I just couldn't take it anymore and I knocked on the door. Just after I did I realized I was psycho and I turned around. Sure enough, as I was pulling away, a man wrapped in a towel came to the door. What the f*^# was going on this morning??????

The next sale had crap Goodwill would turn down but I still left with a pair of glasses with lobsters on them. They were red (you know that's my weakness!) and a dime a piece so why not? Unfortunately, my purchase led her to tell me her life story and I wanted to shoot myself but when I die I don't want it to be on Throw-Mama-From-the-Train's front lawn. Man was she a looker!!

Finally, my last sale was in the backyard (which tend to be good ones) but not this time. The sale, so help me God, consisted of two plastic lounge chairs, rusty tools and a sheet with six items of clothes that the world's ugliest woman was laying out. Not only did she have a severe lazy eye but she talked really slowly. All of that could have been over looked but she looked so much like Marty Feldman, particularly from Young Frankenstein, that it was uncanny! I think I gasped when she turned around! What the hell has my life come to? What am I doing with these people every Saturday morning? Can't I be a normal mom and take my kids to soccer? I guess at least I have my looks. Then again I'm going by this morning's bell curve. Maybe next, I'll get a bite to eat at The Waffle House! I could do some shopping at Walmart. Maybe even stop by The Division of Motor Vehicles! Man, I could ride this wave of delusional beauty for a week if I tried! Keep your comments to yourself, people! It's been a loooong morning!